Dear Burglar

I hesitate to call you a burglar, simply for the fact that you did not actually burglarize me, well I guess in the strict, legal definition of the word “burglary” you did burglarize me, but you didn’t actually take anything so I will just call you an invader.

Dear Invader,

First of all, I would like to applaud your sharp eye for unlocked doors. Typically I am very diligent when it comes to locking my car door. This probably stems from a past experience where my car was burglarized in every sense of the word, but I can’t be too sure. I assume it was my remote key that is to blame for your invasion of my property, lately it has been under-performing and I have been forced to click the lock  and unlock button several times before my car responds. Regardless of where my habit of routine car locking came from, or why I failed to secure my vehicle last night, you managed to catch me the one time I slipped up. So, kudos to you.

The real question here is: why did you break into my car, empty out my backpack, rifle through my glove compartment, and remove my stereo deck/dashboard from its original place, but proceed to not steal any of it? This, I have been speculating on all morning, but I simply do not understand.

My first thought was that perhaps someone caught you in the act. This is definitely possible, because if I were breaking into someones car and got busted I would have also probably stopped. However, based on how thorough you were in your search for valuable items, I can only assume you left on your own terms. I mean you found the secret compartment that took me like three weeks to discover, so either you are an expert on the subject of 1997 Honda Cr-V’s, or you had a considerable amount of time to raid my car. I am going to assume the latter.

The problem now, is that your decision not to take anything becomes a complete mystery. Maybe you saw that I had a butter knife holding my glove compartment shut. This ghetto problem solution/brilliant display of resourcefulness would have indicated to you that I,(and I can only assume) like you, are in a sticky financial situation. Perhaps you empathized with me and had a change of heart mid-burgle. If that is the case, then thank you! I appreciate that you understood how much I needed my backpack, sunglasses, graphing calculator and stereo. In fact, I would like to buy you a beer and you and I can have a long discussion about graphing calculators and stereos, or maybe we can just joyfully reflect on what a funny word “burgle” is. I truly want to believe that you only half-robbed me because you had a fundamental change of heart during the course of your break in, the only problem is that I am kind of a cynical guy. In other words, I understand that you are the type of person who would break into a stranger’s car in the first place, which leads me to believe that you are a pile-of-shit. (sorry, the curse words may have been unwarranted)

If that is the case, and your decision not to rob me did not come from a place of empathy, then that leaves me with two options:

1) You had the full intention of robbing me, but after examining the contents of my car, you found nothing that you believed to be valuable or worth stealing. If so, I am deeply offended and I urge you to please reassess the monetary value of my belongings. Because unless you are one of the rare highbrow car burglars, I don’t understand why you would leave my graphing calculatorstereo, or sunglasses… I mean their Tommy Hilfiger for Christ’s sake.

2) You have been following me for weeks, maybe even months, and have discovered that I am a neat freak. This is the most disturbing possible motive for your half-burglary, not only because it means you have been stalking me, but because it means that you trashed the interior of my car for the sole purpose of terrorizing me. You knew that the mess you made would give me a considerable amount of anxiety, and would then force me to be late to class because I had to tidy it up a little bit before driving. This also means that if my suffering brought you some kind of happiness, then you are probably a maniac and you are also very likely to strike again. The question is, how?

Will you break into my room and reorganize my Harry Potter book collection so that it is not in numerical order?

Will you remove the batteries from my remotes and hide them?

Will you go into my text books and write believable, but incorrect answers and tips in the margins?

Will you switch my pillow covers so that I can’t tell which one is the comfy one until I put my head on it?

Will you displace one of the slats under my bed so that if I sit down too hard on my bed it will fall and my mattress will be lopsided?

I guess the purpose of my letter, Mr. Burglar… or sorry, Mr. Invader, is to get to know you a little better. I hope you write me back, and tell me all about you. I’d like to know so many things, like do you live in the area? Is burglary a full time job for you, or more of a hobby? Do you have kids? Do they burglarize cars? Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever been in a fight? What’s your sign (in the zodiac/ astrology sense of the word)? Did your horoscope tell you to break into my car and not actually take anything? Do you also dislike gluten-free people? No rush and no pressure, all I want to do is try to better understand the events that transpired May 1st sometime between the hours of 12:00 and 7:45am. Just send me a letter, I’m sure you know the address.

Look forward to hearing from you.




What is this Feeling?

What is this feeling? 
Like somehow she looks more incredible everyday which is probably why I catch myself secretly staring at her like she’s some girl I don’t even know. 
What is this feeling? 
Like when I picture her in my mind she’s walking trough the woods and animals and forest critters are just coming up to her and casually walking hand in hand with her. Such a weird image, but it keeps coming into my mind. Probably because she is so kind-hearted that even animals can tell. 
What is this feeling? 
Like she knows just how to position herself against my body so that I am unable to move, breath, wake up, or fall asleep. Like I’m stuck in some crazy world in between reality and a dream but I know with certainty there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. 
What is this feeling?
Like the second I realized I hurt her I felt so sick that I nearly vomited. There’s a scene from some crappy movie called the happening where a guy lays down underneath a riding mower and lets it run him over… I think I know what he felt like. 
What is this feeling?
Like when I make her smile I get a sense of pride. Like I added some beauty to the world as if I wrote a romantic poem or painted a breathtaking picture. When she smiles I swear the air somehow gets warmer and my heart swells with pride because I made her smile and she’s smiling at me. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I miss her when she leaves, even if its only for a day. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I have had a caterpillar in my stomach for the last twenty two  years and somehow it turned into a butterfly the first time she put her hand on my cheek and pressed her lips against mine. And like the butterfly is going crazy even as I write this now.
What is this feeling? 
Like she gives me incredible amounts of confidence while simultaneously making me tremble in fear. Like I have been searching for a girl like her for so long and now that I found her I am terrified to lose her. Like I am “the man” for “getting” her but in no universe do I deserve a girl like her.  
What is this feeling? 
Like her perfume lingers in my room for a few hours after she leaves and although the smell is new and foreign to my room it makes me feel like I am finally home. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I have the prettiest, sweetest, kindest, most creative, most bad-ass, warmest, funniest, most wonderful girlfriend ever and I cant wait to continue to feel the way she makes me feel. 

Killing Me Softly

For anyone who actually reads this, or read this (weird how read and read are two different tenses of the same word spelled the same huh?) Sorry I haven’t posted anything for awhile. Its not that I’ve been busy because, lets face it, I am on J-term. Its because I’ve been lazy and also because I have been dying slowly but in the best way possible. 

This is yet another post about the girl, who for now shall remain nameless, and the way that she is slowly killing me. In romance, just like in every other activity of the soul, the mortality rate is 100%. We all die, there just happens to be shameful and graceful ways to do it. Currently I am dying somewhere in between. The girl keeps me up all night. She is one of those people who doesn’t ever sleep at night. Not to be confused with an insomniac, because she does sleep, but she only sleeps between the hours of 4am and 2pm. Traditionally I have always been a morning person, so this sleeping pattern is what is slowly killing me. But the thing about it… about all the its she has or does… is that I fucking love it.

I may be a zombie during the day time, but I am truly alive during the crack-head hours of the night. We stay up late and talk and hold each other and despite the fact that it’s killing me, it makes me feel alive again. Somehow I’ve gotten back  the same youthful exuberance, I once had. The sparkle in my eye, if you will. The lust for life and romance and her. Normally being on an ass-backwards sleeping schedule would mean I was doing something bad, but I want to be good, and I want to be good for her. 

I want to show her off to everyone so that they can see what I see. To steal a line from Atmosphere, I want to make her smile just so I can sit and look at it. I want to take her to fancy places, even though I am poorer than the dirt in Detroit Michigan. I want to brag and show off how gorgeous she is, and how she somehow is out with me. But at the same time, I want to keep her a secret. I want to hide her in bed all day and count her freckles and feel the weight of her head on my chest.  I want to give her back massages, even though I am certain I enjoy giving them more than she enjoys getting them. I want to keep her a secret so that nobody better comes and steals her from me, as they so often do. 

I am starting to like the way the morning sounds sound different when you have been up all night. The sounds of people scraping the ice of their cars and the sounds of my roommates yelling at their dog are completely different when they are putting you to sleep rather than waking you up. Yes, this sleeping schedule is killing me softly and slowly, but dear God almighty I feel more alive than I have in a long time. 

How I Exist

Well this girl, the one that keeps reappearing in these posts, has done something for me that no one else ever has. She wrote about me and as far as I can tell that is the greatest gift a person can give you. Only when reading about yourself through the eyes of someone else, can you truly exist. I realize of course that sounds ridiculous but hear me out…

My theory, being the weird atheist or whatever I am, is that we only truly exist through the eyes of other people. I guess an example that would be easy to recognize is the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. In this movie the protagonist debates offing himself, when he is confronted by an angel who shows him what the world would be like if he had never been born. Through this angelic acid trip of an idea, he is able to truly understand who he is by understanding what it would be like without him.

My way of explaining it might be more subject to argument but it has far less Angels in it. I say that we can only exist through other people. Imagine for a second that you did not exist. I think it would be pretty reasonable to say that some things might be different (like in It’s a Wonderful Life) but things would still happen and nobody would really care because they never knew the world with you in it. But now imagine that you do exist, but nobody else does. You are the only one and only thing around… it’s harder to imagine isn’t it? If there is no one and nothing else there, do you really even exist at all? I believe that it doesn’t matter what you believe about yourself, because the way you exist and the way that you make your mark on the world is through the impressions you leave on other people.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I am very thankful that she wrote about me and I was able to see how I exist in the eyes of someone other than myself. I would also like to thank the rest of the people who help me exist  and say a little something about them. I know in my very first post I said I would leave the past out of it but here you might accidentally find some historical events. lo siento…

Jeff- You are first person I would have ever considered to be my brother. I know that you have an actual brother, but I think maybe you feel the same way about me. You have been there for me for as long as I can remember. I admire your competitive spirit and how smart you are. You have challenged me throughout my entire life to be a better person and I don’t think you even realized it. You are vastly smarter than me, but I think we can find common ground over the fact that we both over-intellectualize everything which has made for some great conversations.We have gone through some pretty awful things together, when your father got sick in 3rd grade I knew I was supposed to be the one to talk you through it and offer you advice and all that, but I knew that nothing I could say would ever change anything substantial, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I just kept things normal. You came over every morning and we played video games and waited at the bus together. If I recall you were a lot more popular in elementary school than I was, so we ran with different crowds, but for all intents and purposes we were… we are family. You were the first person to ever just walk into my house without ringing a doorbell or calling ahead of time and I think that sums it up better than anything could. I will always think of you as family and I have a feeling I will die one day thinking of you as my brother.

Will- I think that you and I have one of the strongest bonds that two people can have. We both have almost identical senses of humor. Throughout our entire friendship you have made me laugh infinitely more than anyone I know. You are another person I consider to be a member of my family, like a brother or relative that I never want to lose touch with. You are honest with everyone you meet, including me and you are one of my personal heroes. I think that any amount of my personality that people would consider outgoing, I got from you. You taught me to not be so worried about what other people think, at least the people that aren’t so important to you. We are the greatest Concur’s Bad Fur Day players of all time, and that is not a bond that many people can say. I can say with certainty that you have my back, and that I have yours. We will be lifelong friends, whether you like it or not.

Ross- If you read the notes to Will and Jeff you will have probably noticed that I called them brothers and family, but you are my big brother. As a matter of fact, you are the only person I publicly call my brother. What I mean is that when people say, “who’s that guy?” I say, “that guy is my brother.” We haven’t been friends our whole lives like some of my other brothers but we didn’t need to be. Ever since you moved in, or at least slept over every single night during junior and senior year, you quickly became my big brother. Although you are less than a month older than me, I think of you as much wiser and much more experienced than me. I know that you have been the man of the house since you were just a kid, but no matter what happened you were always so motivated and so successful in everything that you did. Even playing baseball against you as a kid, I looked up to you. You were like Benny “the jet” Rodriguez (the sandlot), you were an in-house legend. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I heard the words, “oh shit… Ross is pitching.” But baseball seems trivial compared to the accomplishments you have made in your life. Every time I look at you I can’t help but feel a sense of pride, simply for the fact that you are who you are. You have always challenged me to be a better person, and I love you for it. I never worry for a second that you will stray from the path to greatness and I look forward to seeing how high the rocket can fly. (possible slogan opportunity)

Joe- I realized the second I typed your name that you would be a tough one to write about. I have known you for the better part of my life and I still wonder about what is going on in your mind. I think that you might take that in a negative way, but you shouldn’t. I mean it as high praise. You are truly one of a kind and the most loyal person I know, I doubt we would ever get into a situation like this but if we did I would take a bat to someones head for you and I think you would do the same for me. Over the years we have gotten even closer, and we have been bickering and arguing more, but if you ask me, I think that is a sign of a true friendship. We are comfortable enough to point out each other’s flaws and honest enough to tell the other person they are wrong. That is not something I could say about just anybody. I know I say it as a joke all the time, that we are hetero life partners, but we basically are. I was so happy when you chose St. Thomas, and although we argue, I would not want to live in a house without you. I think that I have not been as good a friend to you as you have to me and I will try to change that. I know you struggle with an addictive personality, but I know without any doubt that you will be fine. You are an ambitious person and I don’t think you realize how smart you actually are. You are the first person I felt comfortable sharing my writing with, and that is only because I knew you would not tell me you liked it if you didn’t. This became even more clear later on when you ripped multiple story pitches to shreds. I think that you just need to find the confidence in yourself and you will overcome any obstacle in your path. I will do my best to help you find that confidence, and at the same time try to figure out what is going on in your mind which goes infinitely inward. We are both dreamers and I know we will be lifelong friends.

David- You are easily the most genuine person I know. You always stand up for what is right and what you believe in. I think that whether you know it or not, you have what I call the IT FACTOR with girls, and nobody deserves it more than you. What I mean is that ever since we were kids all the girls loved you and I think it was because you are a good person down to your core. I know that’s why I love you. It seems like we will go months and months without talking, but I think we have the kind of friendship that does’t require talking because when I do see you, we can pick up right where we left off. I don’t think we were ever as close as you and Joe are, but I still consider you part of my family. We grew up together and I can’t wait to see what you do with your life, because I know whatever it is you will do it with more passion than I am even capable of. You are another exceedingly loyal person and we will always have each other’s backs. I know it’s just a video game, but we are the best zombies team in the world and hey, if a zombie apocalypse ever happens we should team up. I hope you believe me when I say that, coming from me, that is the most complimentary of requests.

Rachel- I doubt you expected to be on this list, because you ran over my heart with a big metaphorical lawn mower, but you are and always will be one of the most important people in my life. I know you always say you can’t forgive yourself for what happened, and I know I can’t change how you feel, but I want you to know that I forgive you. In fact, I am far past forgiveness I am thankful. I am thankful to have ever known you and to have had the privilege of being your boyfriend. We braved it though the awkward phases of high school together, and I think that you might know me better than anyone else in the world, including myself. We grew up together and raised each other. You were my first love, and I know everyone always says young love isn’t real love, but that’s bullshit because I know what we had was real. I know that because I can still feel you inside my heart and I think I will until the day I die. I know you get stressed out about money and the future, but I never worry about you. Whatever you choose to do in life you will be great at, and I know that with 100% certainty. I don’t think you realize the effect you have on people, how they look up to you and how easy you are to fall in love with. My wish for you is that one day you will realize how remarkable you really are, I did my best to try and  show you, but I failed. One day you will meet someone who will show that.

Wes- If you read the previous letters to my high school friends you will notice I called them brothers. I do not consider you to be my brother, but I do consider you to be one of my best friends, maybe the best, which is in no way a downgrade from brother. We met freshmen year… 3.5 years ago and I feel like I have known you my whole life. I can’t even begin to say how impressive what you have accomplished in life so far is, and I could not begin to imagine how far your charisma and intelligence will bring you. I’m sure you have noticed, but you make a great impression on everyone who is lucky enough to meet you. I admire how you are able to be so wise and mature and at the same time be just as goofy and childish as I am. I think we will be lifelong friends, and if not I will probably just move into you and Brooke’s garage and force you to be my friends, because I am not sure where I would be without you. Regarding you and Brooke, what can be said about you two that hasn’t already been said about Marshall and Lilly (how i met your mother)? It has been a wonderful experience for me being in the presence of true love and honestly until I met you two, I had all but given up on the notion of love. I think people search their entire lives to find what you two have, and I hope one day I can be a part of something so great. You are a truly great man and I see nothing but the best in your future.

The Way That….

If by some miracle you read AND remember my first post, you would recall the mention of a girl. Well good news! She has made a reappearance, a few of them actually. There was, unfortunately, a boyfriend situation that I thought might just be the end of our story, but luckily (for me, not so much for boyfriend) they broke up.

Yes, I cant help but feel responsible for the destruction of a relationship but if I have learned one thing in my years, it’s that although good things come to those who wait, far better things come to those who stop waiting around and get the fuck up and grab those good things and kiss them with as much passion as they have…. metaphorically speaking of course…

Anyway, after an incident last night… incident sounds so serious… after a moment last night I felt oddly compelled to write a new post. The moment in question was a nose bleed. Nose bleeds are normally slightly more than a minor annoyance, somewhere between a stone in your shoe and spilling on your shirt. However, This particular nosebleed came at a wildly inconvenient time. This was our second time kissing (cyber-highfive) and things were just starting to heat up… I wont get in to too much detail for the sake of gentlemanliness… but right in the middle of it she rolled over, clutching her nose and just like that the moment was over.

Normally this would be terribly upsetting to me, but for some reason it was one of the most adorable things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. And I don’t mean adorable like a puppy or a baby is adorable, I mean adorable in the “holy shit this girl is so vulnerable and embarrassed right now and yet she is still absolutely gorgeous and in complete control” sense of the word. So, after pondering this incident the remainder of the night and most of the next day it got me thinking about all the things that make me attracted to the fairer sex, and especially this girl. You will soon learn that I am a compulsive list maker and you should probably just get used to it… so, without further adieu, THE LIST:

The way that….

 Every girl is most beautiful when she is brushing her teeth.

The way that….
Making prolonged eye contact with a cute girl gives me butterflies in my stomach.

The way that….
She smiles while looking away, as if she is thinking something that she ought not say aloud.

The way that….
She walks with her arms glued to her side like she is sneaking, even though its impossible to sneak when you light up the room.

The way that….

Girls look exponentially cuter when they are wearing my clothes.

The way that….

They look with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.

The way that….

She makes me mentally discredit any reason I have to ever get out of bed.

The way that….

She looks with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.

The way that….
They say they suck at back massages, but lets be honest, just them touching you is more than enough.

The way that….
Their head always seem to find a spot directly above my heart when they fall asleep cuddling with me.

The way that….
Her lips feel so small when they are pressed up against mine.

The way that….
Her nose bleeds sometimes when things get too hot and heavy.

The way that….
She has so many other little idiosyncrasies that are just waiting for me to discover….

100 things

List of things I don’t like.  (In no order) 
  1. The show “talking dead”
  2. Crows
  3. Black licorice 
  4. Flo from progressive commercials
  5. Playing hockey 
  6. The phrase “hate fuck” as a verb
  7. Bone thugs and harmony 
  8. Domesticated cats  
  9. The smell of artichokes 
  10. Being hungover 
  11. Hermit crabs 
  12. LinkedIn 
  13. FaceTime /skype 
  14. The movie “the blindside”
  15. Bees
  16. When people complain about being fat 
  17. Accidentally eating grape stems 
  18. That game where you can win a lobster with a crane 
  19. Car racing video games 
  20. Lacrosse players 
  21. The concept of social host tickets 
  22. Hats that make people look like animals 
  23. Parents who don’t let their kids read Harry potter. 
  24. Sticky mouse traps. 
  25. Michael Bay movies 
  26. Gerard Butler 
  27. People who keep tarantulas as pets
  28. Putting the bed cover back on my bed. 
  29. The book “Emma” by Jane Austin 
  30. Batman’s voice in the dark night trilogy 
  31. Watching sportscenter twice in a row
  32. Video clips where things jump out and startle you. 
  33. The San Antonio spurs 
  34. Jack from lost 
  35. Unnecessarily gluten-free people
  36. Driving in Minneapolis 
  37. People that work out in jeans 
  38. Diet Pepsi 
  39. Misusing there, their, they’re 
  40. Snorkeling in lakes 
  41. Tequila 
  42. The sound of loud electronics 
  43. Nuns 
  44. Tapioca pudding 
  45. Collaflower 
  46. Traffic
  47. Bike chains 
  48. Fortune tellers
  49. Siri 
  50. The human centipede two 
List of things I like (not comprehensive)
  1. Dimples 
  2. Jell-O
  3. Zombies
  4. Grand theft auto games 
  5. The color green 
  6. Brushing my teeth 
  7. Whiskey-7s 
  8. Beyonce’s voice 
  9. Trains 
  10. Windmills 
  11. The sound of cards being shuffled 
  12. Foreplay 
  13. Frank’s red hot 
  14. Walking home drunk 
  15. The name Rex for a dog 
  16. Snuggling 
  17. When people abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated 
  18. Eating breakfast for dinner 
  19. Applesauce
  20. Seeing movies in theaters 
  21. Watching people eat spaghetti 
  22. Ninjas 
  23. When it’s warm in my bed but cold in my room. 
  24. The sound it makes when you create a peasant in age of empires 
  25. Catch phrase 
  26. Wolves 
  27. The word “sassy”
  28. Will Ferrell quotes 
  29. Yoga pants 
  30. Jude Law 
  31. Tinted windows 
  32. The song “baby I got your money” by Old Dirty Bastard 
  33. Softball 
  34. Giving back massages 
  35. Being drunk when nobody knows your drunk 
  36. Apple slices 
  37. My mom’s cooking
  38. Toy story 
  39. Beer pong and ping pong 
  40. Riding in boats 
  41. Moist towelettes  
  42. Cream cheese 
  43. The word razzmatazz (the drink at Jamba Juice)
  44. Harriet island 
  45. Goose down comforters 
  46. Betting one dollar at a time in roulette 
  47. Playing “would you rather”
  48. Catching flies 
  49. Dive bars 
  50. Swivel chairs