Bit Part

I would first like to apologize to anyone who has been checking my blog as of late, and found nothing new. I’ve been focusing my writing efforts elsewhere and  I have also been swamped watching netflix and eating chipotle. Okay, there’s your apology, let’s move passed it.

I would like to take a minute of your time to talk about the little people who have shaped the world… (not talking about midgets). The people I’m referring to are the bit parts that end up becoming famous in their own special ways. Oh, for those of you who don’t speak movie-nerd, a bit part is a role in which a character, with typically less than 5 lines, interacts with a main character. Their roles can be significant to the plot, or just throw away lines, but the point is they are not main characters, or even close. Side note: I’m not talking about extras, who are just in the background and are basically pointless.

1. Glen Coco. It should come as no surprise that the infamous Glen Coco, of Mean Girls, made the list. In about .7 seconds of screen time, Glen Coco won four candy cane grams, as well as the hearts of every basic white girl in America. You go Glen Coco!

2. Steven Glansberg. Poor Steven has no lines in Superbad, but has still managed to become the poster child for people who do any kind of activity completely alone. His character is portrayed as a young man who eats dessert by himself at whatever school Seth, Evan and Fogal attend. He is mentioned when Seth (Jonah Hill) says, “So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I’m fuckin’ Steven Glansberg?”  I like to think after graduation he went off to college and made tons of friends and never had to eat alone again… but hey i’m a glass-half-full kind of guy.

3. Dylan Toback. Also known as “the shusher” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the episode “the anti-social network”, Dennis is shushed by a stranger at a hip, new dive bar in Philly. Enraged, about being shushed so rudely, the gang sets out to find the perpetrator, but they end up following a trail of lies, gin bars and catfishers.

4. Boba Fett.  Probably kind of stretch to include Boba Fett in a list of bit parts, mostly because he is like the coolest character in Star Wars. However, he is a man of few words, awesome words, but few all the same, so he’s making the list. If you have anything to say about it, just remember, “You can run, but you’ll only die tired.”-Boba Fett (obviously).

5. Chris Gardocki. More commonly known as the guy who makes Will Farrell lick white dog shit in the movie Step Brothers. Mr. Gardocki has a small, but effective role in the film, and was the cause of one of my own personal favorite lines, “I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me… and now you lay this shit on me?”- Brennan Huff.

6. Rex. The name Rex may not ring bells for many of you, but he is personal hero of mine. You may remember him as the ultra-patriotic martial arts instructor from Napoleon Dynamite. In his scene he is wearing American flag, parachute pants, which begs the question: Would anybody want a roundhouse kick to the face while he’s wearing those bad boys? Forget about it. Oh, and don’t forget, “At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo.”

7. Dr. Delcavoli. You may not recognize this hero’s name, but you can go ahead and thank him for quite possibly the greatest 47 hours and 32 minutes of your life. Dr. Delcavoli is a renowned oncologist, known for his savvy, but not for offering services covered by major health insurance providers. However, the most important thing the good doctor ever did was oversee the treatment of a man named Walter White. Could you imagine a  version of Breaking Bad that had Walt dying of lung cancer after two seasons? Well thanks to Dr. Delcavoli you won’t have to. “Remember His Name.”

8.Reginald Ledoux.  *spoiler alert*. Reginald Ledoux is an absolutely terrifying character from the universe of True Detective. He is a primary suspect in the Dora Lange murder case, and during his short time on camera, is clearly up to some nefarious activities. His only lines are creepy incoherent rambling before Woody Harrelson basically just blows his head off. Personally, I thought Mr. Ledoux was a pretty awesome villain, but maybe that’s just me.

9. The Wicked Witch of the East.  We basically only see the bottoms of her shoes, but if not for her, the Wizard of Oz would have been an entirely different story. She was the tyrant responsible for enslaving the munchkins and  turning the Land of Oz into kind of a bummer. But, just like so many dictators before her, she was finally stopped when a teenage girl’s house landed on her. I think that’s how Joseph Stalin died too, but I’m not 100% sure.

10. Bonnie Grape.  Probably the butt of every yo’ momma joke for poor Gilbert Grape. Bonnie Grape is the morbidly obese, housebound mother in the 1993 film, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I’m not sure what the character breakdown was during the casting call for that role, but I imagine when Actress Darlene Cates was offered the role of the “fattest lady ever”, it probably stung a little bit. The good news is that the actress later lost some of the weight, I assume by eating exclusively subway sandwiches. Oh, by the way, if you haven’t seen this movie, you may be wondering if it was, in fact, Bonnie Grape who was Eating Gilbert Grape. The answer to your question is yes, but only metaphorically speaking.

Honorable Mention:

  • Squeeze Toy Aliens.   “The Claw.”    Toy Story.
  • Chazz Reinhold’s Mom.  (No lines)    Wedding Crashers.
  • Lunch Lady Serving Sloppy Joes.  “I know how you’s kids like ’em extra shloppy.”     Billy Madison
  • Creepy Shusher Lady.  “Shhh”     Shutter Island
  • Admiral Ackbar.  “It’s a trap!”     Return of the Jedi
  • J. Walter Weatherman.  “…And that’s why you always leave a note.”     Arrested Development
  • Jesus Quintana. “Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”     The Big Lebowski
  • The Gimp. “muffled nonsense.”     Pulp Fiction
  • Guy Who Likes To See Homos Naked. “Home is where you make it.”     Joe Dirt

Über Facts

ÜberFacts, for those of you who don’t know, is a twitter handle that posts random facts about basically any topic under the sun. The handle is extremely entertaining and I thoroughly enjoy being a follower. There is however, just one problem with Über facts: Every once in awhile they post things that are simply not facts. For example, they may post something like, “Happy people tend to be richer,” this may be true, but it’s important to remember that correlation does not always mean causation. Plus, I think there is a good chance they flipped the variables around. A more reasonable claim would be that,”Rich people tend to be more happy.”

Another questionable style of fact that Überfacts commonly tweets are extremely specific and unbelievable statements that sound more like hearsay than a proven fact. Sure, they may be true, but I think they would be hard-pressed to find more than one credible source to back them up. These tweets would be something like, “The mayor of Key West, FL declared war against the US, surrendered after one minute, then applied for one billion dollars in foreign aid.” 

They also regularly tweet links to articles that are 100% opinions. For example, “15 movies with terrible endings” or “10 stupid school dress code rules”. You get the idea.

These facts that aren’t necessarily facts combined with a statistics and marketing research course started bringing out the cynic in me. Now, I no longer trust any of tweets from Überfacts. But don’t worry, there is good news. This has given me the opportunity to make up my own list of facts that seem remotely possible, but may or may not be true. Did you know…

  • High school cafeterias throw away an average of 15,000 gallons of ketchup each year.
  • Singing can increase your sperm count.
  • 3 out of 5 college professor have reported taking pictures of their students with their smart phones.
  • Drawing three-dimensional cubes in the margins of a notebook can reduce your risk of cancer by 10%.
  • In ancient Madagascar, women with blonde hair were called pissmops.
  • Mixing toothpaste with UV-blue causes the same reaction in the brain as smoking bath-salts.
  • Gullible spelled backwards is eblillug
  • Jar-Jar Binks is Arabic for “Snitches get stitches”
  • Steve Jobs came up with the idea for iPod after he ran out of room to hold his illegally pirated music downloads.
  • Due to contractual issues, In the 5th and 6th Harry Potter films, Harry Potter is actually played by Justin Timberlake wearing a Daniel Radcliffe mask.
  • In China, it is common to put soy sauce in sprite.
  • In 1907 a man contracted rabies from licking old newspapers.
  • It would take approximately 27 years to chew through a standard refrigerator door.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is not an attempt to slander Überfacts, in fact, (<<see what I did there) I am loyal follower and look forward to reading their tweets every morning. I am simply pointing out how easy it is to make up facts, and how important it is to get information from a credible source.

100 things

List of things I don’t like.  (In no order) 
  1. The show “talking dead”
  2. Crows
  3. Black licorice 
  4. Flo from progressive commercials
  5. Playing hockey 
  6. The phrase “hate fuck” as a verb
  7. Bone thugs and harmony 
  8. Domesticated cats  
  9. The smell of artichokes 
  10. Being hungover 
  11. Hermit crabs 
  12. LinkedIn 
  13. FaceTime /skype 
  14. The movie “the blindside”
  15. Bees
  16. When people complain about being fat 
  17. Accidentally eating grape stems 
  18. That game where you can win a lobster with a crane 
  19. Car racing video games 
  20. Lacrosse players 
  21. The concept of social host tickets 
  22. Hats that make people look like animals 
  23. Parents who don’t let their kids read Harry potter. 
  24. Sticky mouse traps. 
  25. Michael Bay movies 
  26. Gerard Butler 
  27. People who keep tarantulas as pets
  28. Putting the bed cover back on my bed. 
  29. The book “Emma” by Jane Austin 
  30. Batman’s voice in the dark night trilogy 
  31. Watching sportscenter twice in a row
  32. Video clips where things jump out and startle you. 
  33. The San Antonio spurs 
  34. Jack from lost 
  35. Unnecessarily gluten-free people
  36. Driving in Minneapolis 
  37. People that work out in jeans 
  38. Diet Pepsi 
  39. Misusing there, their, they’re 
  40. Snorkeling in lakes 
  41. Tequila 
  42. The sound of loud electronics 
  43. Nuns 
  44. Tapioca pudding 
  45. Collaflower 
  46. Traffic
  47. Bike chains 
  48. Fortune tellers
  49. Siri 
  50. The human centipede two 
List of things I like (not comprehensive)
  1. Dimples 
  2. Jell-O
  3. Zombies
  4. Grand theft auto games 
  5. The color green 
  6. Brushing my teeth 
  7. Whiskey-7s 
  8. Beyonce’s voice 
  9. Trains 
  10. Windmills 
  11. The sound of cards being shuffled 
  12. Foreplay 
  13. Frank’s red hot 
  14. Walking home drunk 
  15. The name Rex for a dog 
  16. Snuggling 
  17. When people abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated 
  18. Eating breakfast for dinner 
  19. Applesauce
  20. Seeing movies in theaters 
  21. Watching people eat spaghetti 
  22. Ninjas 
  23. When it’s warm in my bed but cold in my room. 
  24. The sound it makes when you create a peasant in age of empires 
  25. Catch phrase 
  26. Wolves 
  27. The word “sassy”
  28. Will Ferrell quotes 
  29. Yoga pants 
  30. Jude Law 
  31. Tinted windows 
  32. The song “baby I got your money” by Old Dirty Bastard 
  33. Softball 
  34. Giving back massages 
  35. Being drunk when nobody knows your drunk 
  36. Apple slices 
  37. My mom’s cooking
  38. Toy story 
  39. Beer pong and ping pong 
  40. Riding in boats 
  41. Moist towelettes  
  42. Cream cheese 
  43. The word razzmatazz (the drink at Jamba Juice)
  44. Harriet island 
  45. Goose down comforters 
  46. Betting one dollar at a time in roulette 
  47. Playing “would you rather”
  48. Catching flies 
  49. Dive bars 
  50. Swivel chairs