February 14th used to be a day to celebrate love. A day of card sending, of flower picking, of chocolate eating, of romantic gestures, of flying babies who arbitrarily shoot nubile tweens, teens and young adults with hormone-dipped arrows, of bloody sacrifices to Roman gods of agriculture, of Chicagoan mobsters massacring each other, of war-hungry emperors and secret illegal marriages, and of teddy bear giving… I almost forgot about teddy bears.
It seems strange to rant about the culture of my own generation, but I think someone my age needs to stand up for good old V-Day. Of course you all have heard it said that Valentine’s day is nothing more than a Hallmark holiday, and to some extent that is true. February 14th has been over-commercialized to an absurd degree, especially in the last decade or two. In fact, it seems as though my generation… the “Millennials”, are all but fed up with Valentine’s day. We feel pressured into spending our money on things like flowers and diamonds… and teddy bears, and we just don’t think this pressure is fair. We feel that the media is telling us how to put a price on our love and we should just be able to love each other every day for free.
“Valentine’s Day is a multi-million dollar industry”
“The media destroyed Valentine’s Day”
“I love my wife/girlfriend the other 364 days a year… why should Valentines’s Day be so special?”
I’m sure you have heard these things said before. Probably not direct quotes, but the essence is there right?. Now, I agree with all of these statements, at least on some level, but I am going to play a little devil’s advocate… wait… Cupid’s advocate.. yeah that’s better.
First off, let’s all back off the media, as well as the card manufactures, jewelers, restaurateurs, and flower shops for a second. They are simply supplying the demand that We have created. Maybe it is just because I plan on having a career in marketing one day, but I firmly believe the media and commerce are reflections of society and not the other way around. I also think that blaming the Valentine’s Day merch’ vendors, like Hallmark and Kay Jewelers, is nothing but a testament to how irrational of consumers We actually are. They are not forcing us to buy these things, they are simply giving us what we want. Maybe it’s our obsessive need to one-up each other, but there seems to be a somewhat competitive nature to V-day. We are competing against other couples to see who gets the best or most thoughtful gift for their Valentine and it has turned us all off to the true meaning of the holiday. I guess my point here is that we should stop blaming the media and Hallmark for ruining Valentine’s day, when we clearly did it ourselves.
Secondly, I am sick of the “I love my girlfriend every day so February 14th isn’t anything special” thing. IT’S A HOLIDAY… BRO… For the Christian’s in the crowd, you acknowledge every day, or at least you are supposed to, that Jesus Christ died for your sins. He is just as dead and his death is just as significant today as it was on Monday and maybe even last Thursday, right? Well allow me to introduce you to Good Friday. The single day you all celebrate and honor his martyrdom. Also what exactly is good about him being crucified? The name of the holiday just doesn’t make sense to me, but I’ll get back to the point. Just because you have one day a year where you actively commemorate the death of your lord and savior, doesn’t mean you forget about him and the other 364 days you don’t appreciate his sacrifice. This is the same case for Valentine’s day. We may love our lovers every single day, and that’s great, but is it so wrong to have one day a year that we go out of our way to express this to one another?
It doesn’t matter which Valentine’s Day origin you choose to go with, there are tons of them. Maybe you want to honor a Priest named Valentine illegally marrying people in direct defiance of Emperor Claudius II, who forbid marriage because single men made better soldiers. Maybe you want to commemorate the Pagan fertility festival, Lupercalia, where basically a bunch of Romans met in a cave and murdered a goat and a dog and then proceeded to smear blood on all the crops and women. I’m not sure why you would choose that one, but hey it’s an option. Either way, Valentine’s Day today does not have to be a religious thing, it doesn’t have to be a lucrative greeting-card opportunity, it doesn’t have to be a big ordeal, and hell, you don’t even have to have someone to call your Valentine. You don’t need reservations at a five star restaurant, just write “I love you” on the bathroom mirror when you’re done taking shower or something. It doesn’t matter how you celebrate V-Day, but don’t let some money or a weird hatred towards Hallmark cause you to lose sight of how important love really is.
This Valentine’s Day let’s all take a break from being cynical and simply set aside a day to celebrate the power of love.
To start things, off let me just say that I am in no way an expert on the subject of girls and relationships. I am what people might call a hopeless romantic, with an enormous emphasis on the hopeless part. However, I have loved and lost and been around the block and whatnot, so even though I am not an expert, my advice may have some benefit to you.
- The best reason to buy someone flowers is no reason at all.
Why wait until valentines day when you will just be a big fat cliche? Get them flowers just because they deserve some.
- Don’t be skimpy on the back massages.
Women are always sore, even if they don’t do physical labor or exercise. Plus its an excuse to get some girlfriend-sanctioned groping in so… win-win.
- Don’t invade each others privacy
Reading your girlfriends texts or Facebook messages or whatever will never, under any circumstance end well for you. Best case scenario, you find nothing sketchy but then you end up feeling guilty about snooping around. Worst case scenario, you find out some stuff that will be devastating to your relationship.
- Always say good night and good morning, even if it’s just a text
Who doesn’t like to hear sweet dreams before bed, and wake up to a heartfelt good morning? Its comforting and it shows that you are thinking of them.
- Pause the video games
If your girl calls you while you are playing a video game, pause the game and answer it. If she texts you, its probably okay to wait, but don’t wait too long. If you are playing multiplayer, you may get some grief from your friends but if they can’t understand why you would pause a game to answer your girlfriends phone call it is likely that they do not have a girlfriend… and that is likely because they prioritize video games over female interaction. Your girlfriend should be more important, and the video games can wait…unless you are playing Grand Theft Auto 5…. then she can wait.
- Tell them they are beautiful as much as possible.
Even if you never forget they are beautiful, they somehow do. Also, beautiful is not enough. Crack open a thesaurus and use some new goddamn adjectives…. Gorgeous, Stunning, Lovely, Angelic… feel free to use those.
- They are not going to tell you what they want, so stop waiting for that.
Girls don’t want to have to tell you what they want you to do, you should just know. I know it doesn’t seem rational or fair but its the way of the world. Besides, girls aren’t the only thing you have to learn to read non-verbally…Your dog doesn’t tell you what it wants either, you just have to stop being dumb and try to figure it out yourself. On second thought, don’t ever compare your girlfriend to a dog.
- Remember that you can be right and still lose an argument.
A girl will never admit when she’s wrong. Sorry that was a generalization… Every girl except YOU will never admit when she’s wrong. Just understand that even if you don’t think it matters it obviously matters to her. Humility… look it up.
- Learn to pass the tests.
If you are surprised in any way that she said she was fine with something, she is NOT fine with it. Do not proceed to do whatever it was that she approved of, It’s a test and you failed. Side-note: a text that says, “okaaaay”, “Kayyy” or “K :)” means you are probably actually okay. A text that says “okay”, “OK” or “K” means you’re fucked, so start apologizing immediately if not sooner.
- Make food.
Keep a woman well fed and things just kind of work out better. If you can’t cook, LEARN, its the 21st century, we have google.
- Be nice to her friends.
The vast majority of women care deeply about the opinions of their friends. They will probably only hear about the times you messed up and they will think you are a dick… Don’t give them anymore reason to think that. Side-note: They might want you to set them up with one of your friends. If your friend is a player or you aren’t certain things won’t end badly with them. DON’T SET THEM UP. If it ends badly with them its going to end badly for you too.
- Take her out and show her off.
As tempting as it is to stay twisted up like pretzels all day in your bed and watch Netflix, take it outside once in awhile. Girls get bored quickly so keep things interesting and be spontaneous.
- Don’t take advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about.
That includes me. I am just sharing my experiences and lessons I have learned in the hardest of ways, so don’t follow my words blindly. Your relationships are different than mine so read my impeccable words of wisdom and apply it to your own life.
For anyone who actually reads this, or read this (weird how read and read are two different tenses of the same word spelled the same huh?) Sorry I haven’t posted anything for awhile. Its not that I’ve been busy because, lets face it, I am on J-term. Its because I’ve been lazy and also because I have been dying slowly but in the best way possible.
This is yet another post about the girl, who for now shall remain nameless, and the way that she is slowly killing me. In romance, just like in every other activity of the soul, the mortality rate is 100%. We all die, there just happens to be shameful and graceful ways to do it. Currently I am dying somewhere in between. The girl keeps me up all night. She is one of those people who doesn’t ever sleep at night. Not to be confused with an insomniac, because she does sleep, but she only sleeps between the hours of 4am and 2pm. Traditionally I have always been a morning person, so this sleeping pattern is what is slowly killing me. But the thing about it… about all the its she has or does… is that I fucking love it.
I may be a zombie during the day time, but I am truly alive during the crack-head hours of the night. We stay up late and talk and hold each other and despite the fact that it’s killing me, it makes me feel alive again. Somehow I’ve gotten back the same youthful exuberance, I once had. The sparkle in my eye, if you will. The lust for life and romance and her. Normally being on an ass-backwards sleeping schedule would mean I was doing something bad, but I want to be good, and I want to be good for her.
I want to show her off to everyone so that they can see what I see. To steal a line from Atmosphere, I want to make her smile just so I can sit and look at it. I want to take her to fancy places, even though I am poorer than the dirt in Detroit Michigan. I want to brag and show off how gorgeous she is, and how she somehow is out with me. But at the same time, I want to keep her a secret. I want to hide her in bed all day and count her freckles and feel the weight of her head on my chest. I want to give her back massages, even though I am certain I enjoy giving them more than she enjoys getting them. I want to keep her a secret so that nobody better comes and steals her from me, as they so often do.
I am starting to like the way the morning sounds sound different when you have been up all night. The sounds of people scraping the ice of their cars and the sounds of my roommates yelling at their dog are completely different when they are putting you to sleep rather than waking you up. Yes, this sleeping schedule is killing me softly and slowly, but dear God almighty I feel more alive than I have in a long time.
Play One-Receiving a text message from the girl you like:
- Open it .4 seconds after your phone vibrates when you see its her.
- Feel a rush of excitement as if she professed her love for you, even if the text only says, “hey.”
- Immediately type out the response you actually want to say, which is probably sweet and romantic, but completely uncalled for and disproportionate.
- Debate whether or not you should send it because responding in 2.2 seconds makes it seem like you have no life.
- Don’t send it.
- Actively try not to send the response for as long as possible but then convince yourself that you HAVE TO.
- Re-read the draft of your original response.
- Decide that what you said makes you sound ridiculous.
- Respond with, “hey.”
- Several texts later, send the original romantic but misplaced text message.
- Wallow in your stupidity.
Play Two-Seeing a cute girl walk past you:
- Smile at her
- She smiles back
- Continue walking
- Tell yourself you should have said something because if you had, you might have hit it off and it might have started raining and you might have had to take shelter in a near-by coffee shop or movie theater and you might have kissed each other and you might have had a wildly romantic afternoon with her and that might make one killer-ass story to tell your kids one day.
- Continue walking until you see another cute girl.
- Rinse and repeat.
Play Three-Getting dumped:
- Cry, or try super hard not to cry.
- Go home and read every text or letter you two had ever exchanged, in an attempt to figure out what went wrong.
- When you finish reading the texts, send her something desperate or something you think makes you sound cool and indifferent but actually makes you sound like a douche-bag.
- She doesn’t text you back.
- Completely swear off girls.
- Decide that swearing off girls was a dumb plan and decide to be a player instead because you think that girls like assholes and being nice didn’t work out for you.
- Contact a bunch of girls you talked to before you were in a relationship.
- Realize that they are no longer interested because you have been in a relationship and obviously they moved on.
- Go to the bar to pick up girls but end up sitting with your friends and making up excuses as to why you did not make anything resembling an attempt to communicate with a female.
- Go home and text your ex-girlfriend something stupid.
- Tell her you were drunk the next day and you didn’t mean whatever you said.
- Completely give up on ever finding love.
- Fall in love with the next girl you see. (see play two)
Play four- Going on a date:
- Try to fit the words “I have a date tonight” into at least four conversations with four different people.
- Ask a female friend what to wear, but then end up wearing what you were going to wear anyway.
- Spend a tremendous amount of time and energy getting your hair to look like you spent no time on your hair.
- Make your bed and clean your room because she might be coming back there later.
- Sweat through the shirt you had originally picked out.
- Put on the shirt that your female friend told you to wear. (it was a better choice anyway)
- Brush your teeth.
- Gargle mouth wash.
- Practice laughing and smiling and making other random conversational faces in the mirror.
- Notice that what was once a tiny outline of a blemish is now an enormous white head.
- Tell yourself that you are ugly and even your own mom probably is embarrassed by you.
- Tell yourself that you didn’t mean it and that this girl and any girl would be lucky to have you because you are smart and funny and you can give a hell of a back massage.
- Think of a perfect opening line.
- Blast encouraging music in the car the whole way there.
- Realize you forgot a condom and convince yourself that you totally would have needed it.
- Pick up your date.
- Say your perfect opening line perfectly.
- Have to repeat your opening line because she asked “what?” and this time totally butcher it.
- Go on date.
- Convince yourself that it is probably not even a date and she just wanted to grab a bite to eat, but doesn’t actually like you.
- Spill something on your shirt.
- Awkwardly force a hug at the end of your not-date.
- Get back in your car.
- Realize that you like her ten times more than you originally did.
- Go home and stalk her via social media.
- End up friend requesting her boyfriend.
- Ask your dog if he still loves you.
- Your dog ignores you and goes downstairs and poops in the dining room.
Play Five-Hearing the words “I love you” for the first time:
- Remove heart from stomach.
- Stare at her studying her face to see if she really meant it.
- Think about how cool it is that you didn’t say it first this time.
- Pause for too long.
- She tells you its okay if you are not ready to say it.
- Tell her that you are ready.
- She doesn’t believe you.
- Continue doing what you were doing prior to hearing her say that.
- Be as distant as possible because your mind and heart are in a Sharknado.
- Half way home realize what a complete idiot you are.
- Make a borderline life-threatening U-turn on a busy street.
- Go back to her house.
- Call her and tell her to come outside.
- Kiss her with all you have.
- Tell her you loved her the second you met her and that you are sorry you didn’t say it earlier.
- Be in love for awhile.
- Plan the rest of your life with her in it.
- Break up. (see play three)
If by some miracle you read AND remember my first post, you would recall the mention of a girl. Well good news! She has made a reappearance, a few of them actually. There was, unfortunately, a boyfriend situation that I thought might just be the end of our story, but luckily (for me, not so much for boyfriend) they broke up.
Yes, I cant help but feel responsible for the destruction of a relationship but if I have learned one thing in my years, it’s that although good things come to those who wait, far better things come to those who stop waiting around and get the fuck up and grab those good things and kiss them with as much passion as they have…. metaphorically speaking of course…
Anyway, after an incident last night… incident sounds so serious… after a moment last night I felt oddly compelled to write a new post. The moment in question was a nose bleed. Nose bleeds are normally slightly more than a minor annoyance, somewhere between a stone in your shoe and spilling on your shirt. However, This particular nosebleed came at a wildly inconvenient time. This was our second time kissing (cyber-highfive) and things were just starting to heat up… I wont get in to too much detail for the sake of gentlemanliness… but right in the middle of it she rolled over, clutching her nose and just like that the moment was over.
Normally this would be terribly upsetting to me, but for some reason it was one of the most adorable things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. And I don’t mean adorable like a puppy or a baby is adorable, I mean adorable in the “holy shit this girl is so vulnerable and embarrassed right now and yet she is still absolutely gorgeous and in complete control” sense of the word. So, after pondering this incident the remainder of the night and most of the next day it got me thinking about all the things that make me attracted to the fairer sex, and especially this girl. You will soon learn that I am a compulsive list maker and you should probably just get used to it… so, without further adieu, THE LIST:
The way that….
Every girl is most beautiful when she is brushing her teeth.
The way that….
Making prolonged eye contact with a cute girl gives me butterflies in my stomach.
The way that….
She smiles while looking away, as if she is thinking something that she ought not say aloud.
The way that….
She walks with her arms glued to her side like she is sneaking, even though its impossible to sneak when you light up the room.
The way that….
Girls look exponentially cuter when they are wearing my clothes.
The way that….
They look with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.
The way that….
She makes me mentally discredit any reason I have to ever get out of bed.
The way that….
She looks with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.
The way that….
They say they suck at back massages, but lets be honest, just them touching you is more than enough.
The way that….
Their head always seem to find a spot directly above my heart when they fall asleep cuddling with me.
The way that….
Her lips feel so small when they are pressed up against mine.
The way that….
Her nose bleeds sometimes when things get too hot and heavy.
The way that….
She has so many other little idiosyncrasies that are just waiting for me to discover….