Films of the 21st Century

Top 25 films of the 21st century:

  1. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)
  2. There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)
  3. The Social Network (David Fincher)
  4. Inglorious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino)
  5. Pan’s Labyrinth (Guillermo del Toro)
  6. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)
  7. No Country For Old Men (Ethan Coen, Joel Coen)
  8. Adventureland (Greg Mottola)
  9. Short Term 12 (Destin Daniel Cretton)
  10. Django Unchained (Quentin Tarantino)
  11. Boyhood (Richard Linklater)
  12. Lucky Number Slevin (Paul McGuigan)
  13. The Lord of the Rings (Peter Jackson)
  14. Inside Out (Pete Docter)
  15. Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott)
  16. Finding Nemo (Andrew Stanton)
  17. City of God (Fernando Meirelles)
  18. Memento (Christopher Nolan)
  19. Children of Men (Alfonso Cuarón)
  20. Superbad (Greg Mottola)
  21. Gladiator (Ridley Scott)
  22. Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola)
  23. Ex Machina (Alex Garland)
  24. 3:10 To Yuma (James Mangold)
  25. Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn)

Top films of the 21st century Honorable Mention:

  • Spirited Away (Hayao Miyazaki)
  • The Departed (Martin Scorsese)
  • The Town (Ben Affleck)
  • The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)
  • Almost Famous (Cameron Crowe)
  • The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)
  • Seven Psychopaths (Martin McDonagh)
  • Avatar (James Cameron)
  • The Big Short (Adam McKay)
  • Inside Man (Spike Lee)
  • Hell or High Water (David Mackenzie)

 

Top 10 Comedy Films of the 21st century:

  1. Adventureland (Greg Mottola)
  2. Superbad (Greg Mottola)
  3. Knocked Up (Judd Apatow)
  4. Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola)
  5. Sideways (Alexander Payne)
  6. Seven Psychopaths (Martin McDonagh)
  7. Juno (Jason Reitman)
  8. The Wolf of Wallstreet (Martin Scorsese)
  9. Mean Girls (Mark Waters)
  10. Nebraska (Alexander Payne)

Top 10 Horror Films of the 21st century:

  1. Let the Right One in (Tomas Alfredson)
  2. The Witch (Robert Eggers)
  3. The Babadook (Jennifer Kent)
  4. Paranormal Activity 3 (Ariel Schulman)
  5. The Cabin in the Woods (Drew Goddard)
  6. The Others (Alejandro Amenábar)
  7. It Follows (David Robert Mitchell)
  8. The Mist (Frank Darabont)
  9. American Psycho (Mary Harron)
  10. Saw (James Wan)

Top 10 films of the 21st century that I Could Watch Over and Over Again:

  1. The Social Network (David Fincher)
  2. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird)
  3. Django Unchained (Quentin Tarantino)
  4. Seven Psychopaths (Martin McDonagh)
  5. Superbad (Greg Mottola)
  6. Chef (Jon Favreau)
  7. Troy (Wolfgang Peterson)
  8. Mean Girls (Mark Waters)
  9. Knocked Up (Judd Apatow)
  10. 8 Mile (Curtis Hanson)

Top 10 Romance Films of the 21st century:

  1. Adventureland (Greg Mottola)
  2. Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola)
  3. Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russel)
  4. Brooklyn (John Crowley)
  5. Juno (Jason Reitman)
  6. Her (Spike Jonze)
  7. 500 Days of Summer (Marc Webb)
  8. Moonrise Kingdom (Wes Anderson)
  9. The Spectacular Now (James Ponsoldt)
  10. Brokeback Mountain (Ang Lee)

Top 10 Sports Films  of the 21st century:

  1. Friday Night Lights (Peter Berg)
  2. The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)
  3. Moneyball (Bennett Miller)
  4. Lords of Dogtown (Catherine Hardwicke)
  5. Warrior (Gavin O’Connor)
  6. Creed (Ryan Coogler)
  7. Million Dollar Baby (Clint Eastwood
  8. Fighter (David O. Russell)
  9. Foxcatcher (Bennett Miller)
  10. Hardball (Brian Robbins)

Top 10 Animated Films  of the 21st century:

  1. Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich)
  2. Inside out (Pete Docter)
  3. Finding Nemo (Andrew Stanton)
  4. Spirited Away (Hayao Miyazaki)
  5. Shrek (Vicky Jenson, Andrew Adamson)
  6. Up (Pete Docter, Bob Peterson)
  7. Wall-E (Andrew Stanton)
  8. Zootopia (Byron Howard, Rich Moore, Jared Bush)
  9. Monsters, Inc. (Pete Docter, Lee Unkrich, David Silverman)
  10. The Incredibles (Brad Bird)

Top 10 War Films  of the 21st century:

  1. Inglorious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino)
  2. Pan’s Labyrinth (Guillermo del Toro)
  3. Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott)
  4. American Sniper (Clint Eastwood)
  5. The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)
  6. Enemy at the Gates (Jean-Jacques Annaud)
  7. Troy (Wolfgang Peterson)
  8. Zero Dark Thirty (Kathryn Bigelow)
  9. The Pianist (Roman Polanski)
  10. Beasts Of No Nation (Cary Fukunaga)

Top 10 Music Films of the 21st century:

  1. Almost Famous (Cameron Crowe)
  2. Inside Llewyn Davis (Ethan Coen, Joel Coen)
  3. Crazy Heart (Scott Cooper)
  4. Whiplash (Damien Chazelle)
  5. 8 Mile (Curtis Hanson)
  6. O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Ethan Coen, Joel Coen)
  7. Straight Outta Compton (F. Gary Gray)
  8. Walk The Line (James Mangold)
  9. School of Rock (Richard Linklater)
  10. Ray (Taylor Hackford)

Top 10 Science Fiction Films of the 21st century:

  1. Children of Men (Alfonso Cuarón)
  2. Ex Machina (Alex Garland)
  3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Michel Gondry)
  4. Avatar (James Cameron)
  5. Minority Report (Steven Spielberg)
  6. The Martian (Ridley Scott)
  7. Source Code (Duncan Jones)
  8. 28 Days later (Danny Boyle)
  9. Arrival (Denis Villeneuve)
  10. Signs (M. Night Shyamalan)

Top 5 Found Footage films of the 21st century:

  1. End of Watch (David Ayer)
  2. Cloverfield (Matt Reeves)
  3. Paranormal Activity 3 (Ariel Schulman)
  4. Chronicle (Josh Trank)
  5. Paranormal Activity (Ariel Schulman)

Top 10 Hidden Gems of the 21st century:

  1. Adventureland (Greg Mottola)
  2. Short Term 12 (Destin Daniel Cretton)
  3. Nebraska (Alexander Payne)
  4. Chef (Jon Favreau)
  5. Safety Not Guaranteed (Colin Trevorrow)
  6. Moonrise Kingdom (Wes Anderson)
  7. I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore (Macon Blair)
  8. Punch Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson)
  9.  The Spectacular Now (James Ponsoldt)
  10. Stranger than Fiction (Marc Forster)

Top 10 Obscene-Budget-Action-Explosion-Pump-Up Guilty Pleasure films of the 21st century:

  1. Inception (Christopher Nolan)
  2. Apocalypto (Mel Gibson)
  3. Mission Impossible:Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird)
  4. Crank (Brian Taylor)
  5. Furious 7 (James Wan)
  6. Guardians of the Galaxy (James Gun)
  7. Pacific Rim (Guillermo del Toro)
  8. Mad Max: Fury Road (George Miller)
  9. Kill Bill (Quentin Tarantino)
  10. John Wick (Chad Stahelski, David Leitch)

Boys and Girls

I’m sure that all of you have read numerous blog posts about the differences between men and women. I think we can all agree that the differences between us are far more complex than the presence or absence of a Y chromosome. The real issue here, and I am aware of how potentially offensive this may be, is which gender is better. I think this is an important thing to discuss. We watch the olympics to certify our athletic dominance over every other country. Don’t you think it would be upsetting to watch the olympics only to be told that although USA’s basketball team crushed Japan 120-56, the real difference was between the countries’ cultures? I sure do.

Let’s be clear. Because I am a man… not the manliest of men by any means, but a man nonetheless, some people might think there are some personal biases in my scoring system. That is 100% true. Everything I am about to say could be considered sexist, prejudice, misogynistic, maybe even demonizing (just learned that word today), or downright unfair. But guess what? This issue needs to be settled, so I don’t care.

Anyways,  I will be evaluating each gender on their ability to perform in a number of categories. These categories are not meant to favor any gender in particular, although in some cases, one is just better than the other. We will start, as most critical debates do, with drinking.

*Disclaimer* Nothing I write for the duration of this post will be politically correct. It is written with the intention of being humorous and entertaining, not to offend or to belittle anybody. I am hesitant to even post it, but I think all of us are mature enough to be able to laugh at ourselves once in awhile. Anyways, please don’t hate me.

Drinking:  Its no secret that men can drink more than women, at least in volume. In addition to being larger and more able to consume liquid in mass quantities, men are cursed with hubris and can easily convince themselves that they can/should drink their body weight in beer. This makes it so men will drink more than women whether they are able to or not. The hubris factor will also result in a few fights, and some unprecedented philandering.

On the other hand, a woman’s drinking ability can be evaluated on a curve. The origin of the curve would start at the first drink. A woman will be careful and have a map of their entire evening drawn out in their mind. If we are graphing, the coordinates of that first drink are (0,0). The next notable coordinate would be (3,3). That’s three drinks, three significant events. This is also the point where the curve  should stop, because after this, well…. shit rolls downhill.  At (6,6) the girl will have minor alcohol poisoning, have lost her best friend and have interviewed at least two candidates for a new best friend. At (8,8) it’s time to confiscate the cell phone, call a cab and call in sick the next day.

Boys 1. Girls 0. 

Locker Rooms:

I’ll wrap this one up quickly. Women’s locker rooms are full of naked pillow fights and girls helping other girls apply soap to the unreachable areas of their backs. I think we can all agree that that is 100% true.

Men’s locker rooms, on the other hand, are full of old men, who are way too comfortable in their skin, walking around naked, blow-drying their junk and invading the personal space of teenagers who are facing the wall and changing with their eyes closed.

Boys 1. Girls 1. 

Bathrooms: 

This one may come as a surprise to a lot of people… but not to those who have worked in the service industry. Although men are far more vocal about their bowel movements and restroom experiences, the girls’ restroom is just down right disgusting. The worst you will find in the men’s room is an un-flushed #2 and maybe the remnants of some bad aim, while in a girls bathroom you might just find every single bodily fluid… ever.

Boys 2. Girls 1. 

Sports:

I’m talking about actual sports, not sailing, cheer leading, air-hockey, baton twirling, fishing, and especially not dance. I will also begin by disputing the whole, “Dance is a sport” submission. Girls say that dance is a sport because it is hard and a lot of guys could not do it. This is true. Through a series of unfortunate events, I was forced to participate in a dance line routine, and it was quite difficult. However, the difficulty of a task does not determine it’s status as a sport. Calculus, throwing a tic-tac into a water bottle from 100 feet away, and  doing 1,000 push ups are also very difficult activities, and a lot of guys probably couldn’t do it, but the fact remains… they are not sports.

Here’s the deal… Men are better at sports. You might think I’m bias and that’s fine, but let’s compare the best NBA player to the best WMBA player. Let’s compare the best MLB player to the best softball player. Let’s compare the best NHL player to the best women’s hockey player. Let’s compare the best NFL player to the best… oh wait…

Boys 3. Girls 1. 

Outward Sexuality:

This has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is simply a matter of observation. Let’s compare the attributes of the male physique to that of the female. Men’s bodies are hard and hairy and full of tan lines and ingrown hairs. When men work hard they stink of body odor, and to top it all of, they have hairy butts.

The female physique is soft and curvy. Elegant and graceful. Smooth and hairless (typically). When women work hard their faces turn flushed and omit a warm glow… and in the words of my own girlfriend, “Girl’s have boobs.”

Boys 3. Girls 2. 

Dating:

Once in a relationship, men and women behave quite differently. A man’s strengths in a relationship are typically his loyalty and willingness to stand up for his girlfriend. A “good boyfriend” will do whatever it takes to please his girlfriend and do whatever it takes to avoid letting her down. The only problem is that they fail miserably. Despite admirable attempts to listen, take hints, and be caring and thoughtful, we just kind of suck at all of those things.

Women’s weaknesses in a relationship come from their lofty expectations, passive-aggressive war tactics, and cryptic forms of communication. However, their strengths lie in the fact that they get to set the expectations, they are incapable of losing arguments, and ability to control their boyfriend’s actions by withholding sexy-time.

Boys 3. Girls 3. 

The Bible: 

Sorry ladies, but men kind of dominate this category. We got Jesus. We got Moses. We got Noah! We got Adam!! We got Abraham!!! We got all twelve disciples… Beeeyaaahhh!!!!

The girls counter with an MVP worthy performance by The Virgin Mary and a noteworthy showing from Eve, but they sadly come up short. Plus, we all know who sinned first… amiright?

Boys 4. Girls 3. 

Handwriting: 

Girls, with the exception of college professors, have impeccable handwriting. Men on the other hand have abysmal handwriting. Even in the increasingly paperless world we live in, people still have to write things down. In a classroom setting, a female student will be able to look back at her lecture notes and even share her notes with other classmates. Her male counterpart, will perhaps be able to look back at his own notes and read them, but when it comes time to share he will spend most of the time clarifying what he wrote. Example: “Is that a Q or an A?” “Is this a 0 or an 8?” “Is this word dividend or a drawing of a dog eating a candy cane?”

Boys 4. Girls 4. 

Cage Fighting:

Whoa… didn’t expect this to be a category did ya? But bear with me, it illustrates a point. Men are given a clear physical advantage in the “cage fighting” category. They are bigger, stronger, faster and typically more competitive. In a society where winners and losers were determined by the outcome and nothing more, men would dominate this category. But sadly we don’t live in a society like that.

Women gain their advantage in cage fighting by creating an unwinnable contest for their male opponents. If a man wins a cage fight against a woman, it does not make him look good. In fact, it makes him look quite despicable in the eyes of his peers because only a jerk would beat the crap out of a girl. And, if a woman beats a man in a cage fight, she is a hero in the eyes of her peers and has succeeded in publicly shaming her opponent. Therefor, a cage fight between a man and woman, presents a lose-lose outcome for men and a win-win outcome for women.

Boys 4. Girls 5. 

Manual Labor:

Typically, it is the men who do the majority of the manual labor. We lift the heavy stuff. We fix the fences. We build sheds. We know how to operate a jackhammer. We can look at a car engine and immediately know what is wrong with it…. or so I’m told.

Women have men do their manual labor for them. Obviously, that is a better gig.

Boys 4. Girls 6. 

Friendship:

From what I have observed, women tend to have around 3 friends. I’m not talking about acquaintances or people that you talk to on facebook, I am talking about people who you spend your time with, share your secrets with, and would basically consider part of your family. Those are the kinds of friends I am talking about, and of this particular kind of friend, girls have around 3. Usually, one of the four girls in the group is secretly hated by the other three, and is mercilessly ridiculed behind her back.  One advantage that girls have is that the interactions within their friend group are overwhelmingly positive and supportive.

Men seem to have no cap on the amount of friends they can have. Although, unlike women, the interactions within a friend group are almost exclusively insulting. The result is that when a guy actually compliments one of his friends, it is received with suspicion and a barrage of homophobic responses. However, at the end of the day, most guys would defend their friends against any army and would put a friends life before just about anything.

Boys 5. Girls 6. 

Personal Care & Hygiene:

Although women seem to be generally cleaner than men, it comes at a much higher cost. For a man to be clean, he will take a shower, brush his teeth, and put on deodorant. He might shave, but some men can get away without doing that.

A women has do all of those things, plus shave their legs, straighten/curl their hair, shape their eyebrows, put on makeup, take showers that inexplicably last for 45 minutes, paint their nails, put on jewelry… etc. So, women definitely end up looking better, but men have managed to set the bar so ridiculously low, awarding them the point.

Boys 6. Girls 6. 

Originally I was only going to have twelve categories, but obviously I can’t end this contest in a tie. In a debate of this magnitude there are very few satisfactory tie-breakers. However, because the topic of this debate is boiled down to which gender is better at being people, the only way this can end is a seven round, seven heavenly virtues, shootout extravaganza. So, according to the epic poem The Contest of the Soul, by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius, and confirmed on Wikipedia, The Seven Heavenly Virtues consist of: Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility. For the sake of word count we will do this rapid fire, with a quick refresher on what those words actually mean.

1. Chastity: Purity and discretion of sexual conduct. Boys 6. Girls 7. 

2. Temperance: Moderation and constant mindfulness of others. Boys 6. Girls 8. 

3. Charity: Generosity and self-sacrifice. Boys 7. Girls 8. 

4. Diligence: Careful nature in one’s actions while upholding one’s convictions at all times. Boys 7. Girls 9. 

5. Patience: Endurance through moderation, resolving conflicts peacefully as opposed to violently. Boys 7. Girls 10. 

6. Kindness: Compassion for its own sake. Trust without prejudice or resentment. Boys 8. Girls 10. 

7. Humility. The courage to take on tedious or unglamorous tasks, while refraining from despair. Boys 9. Girls 10. 

So, at the risk of further offending every reader, and losing all my friends, I present to you your champion. Girls!

Über Facts

ÜberFacts, for those of you who don’t know, is a twitter handle that posts random facts about basically any topic under the sun. The handle is extremely entertaining and I thoroughly enjoy being a follower. There is however, just one problem with Über facts: Every once in awhile they post things that are simply not facts. For example, they may post something like, “Happy people tend to be richer,” this may be true, but it’s important to remember that correlation does not always mean causation. Plus, I think there is a good chance they flipped the variables around. A more reasonable claim would be that,”Rich people tend to be more happy.”

Another questionable style of fact that Überfacts commonly tweets are extremely specific and unbelievable statements that sound more like hearsay than a proven fact. Sure, they may be true, but I think they would be hard-pressed to find more than one credible source to back them up. These tweets would be something like, “The mayor of Key West, FL declared war against the US, surrendered after one minute, then applied for one billion dollars in foreign aid.” 

They also regularly tweet links to articles that are 100% opinions. For example, “15 movies with terrible endings” or “10 stupid school dress code rules”. You get the idea.

These facts that aren’t necessarily facts combined with a statistics and marketing research course started bringing out the cynic in me. Now, I no longer trust any of tweets from Überfacts. But don’t worry, there is good news. This has given me the opportunity to make up my own list of facts that seem remotely possible, but may or may not be true. Did you know…

  • High school cafeterias throw away an average of 15,000 gallons of ketchup each year.
  • Singing can increase your sperm count.
  • 3 out of 5 college professor have reported taking pictures of their students with their smart phones.
  • Drawing three-dimensional cubes in the margins of a notebook can reduce your risk of cancer by 10%.
  • In ancient Madagascar, women with blonde hair were called pissmops.
  • Mixing toothpaste with UV-blue causes the same reaction in the brain as smoking bath-salts.
  • Gullible spelled backwards is eblillug
  • Jar-Jar Binks is Arabic for “Snitches get stitches”
  • Steve Jobs came up with the idea for iPod after he ran out of room to hold his illegally pirated music downloads.
  • Due to contractual issues, In the 5th and 6th Harry Potter films, Harry Potter is actually played by Justin Timberlake wearing a Daniel Radcliffe mask.
  • In China, it is common to put soy sauce in sprite.
  • In 1907 a man contracted rabies from licking old newspapers.
  • It would take approximately 27 years to chew through a standard refrigerator door.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is not an attempt to slander Überfacts, in fact, (<<see what I did there) I am loyal follower and look forward to reading their tweets every morning. I am simply pointing out how easy it is to make up facts, and how important it is to get information from a credible source.

Professional Crastination

If you are reading this, then I am sorry. This post will cover a random string of thoughts that will most likely lead you to believe I have Asperger’s. It is the stupidest thing I have ever written, but it is vastly superior to doing homework. Now that I got that off my chest, here is a list of things I would rather think about than my assignment… which is due tomorrow at 9:55 am:

  • How long could an average human being survive on a strict diet of Peeps and Four Loko?
  • Somewhere, be it in this dimension or another, there is a warehouse filled with missing socks and expired snapchats.
  • I wonder who the first person was to stand up in front of a crowd and just tell jokes. I also wonder why anyone came to the first stand-up comedy performance.
  • If walls could talk, they would probably tell a lot of people to wash their hands after using the toilet.
  • I bet Leonardo DiCaprio has never eaten at Tacobell.
  • Snorgasm– A word used to describe a disappointing sexual encounter. Your welcome English language.
  • If yoga pants survive the zombie apocalypse then it won’t be that bad.
  • If someone slips on an icy sidewalk and no one is there to laugh at them, is it still funny?
  • If Nikki Menage (or however you spell that) and Waka Flaka had a baby, then more people would be pro-choice.
  • Salmon – Verb. Vigorously slapping your hand back and forth between someones thighs, making a noise that sounds like what salmon sound like… I guess.
  • Two extremely underrated experiences are opening up a book to the correct page on the first try and double spacing an essay after you are finished writing it.
  • About 1% of Americans actually have Celiac Disease. Therefore, if you are in the other 99%, stop being gluten free, its super douchey.
  • My International Marketing Professor looks kind of like Larry David, but he is significantly less funny.
  • Golf and the tremendous 12 at Perkins are two things that I love, but also sometimes make me wish I were dead.
  • Ferbies.
  • I wish that I understood how airplanes work.
  • The fact that women who spend a lot of time together synchronize their menstrual cycles makes me think that magic is real.
  • If I could date a website I would date Netflix….. but I would totally cheat on it with Amazon sometimes.
  • If dodgeball was a high school sport, then I would have been on varsity. I will believe that until the day I die.
  • Girls always complain about how when men behave promiscuously they are held in high regard, but when women behave the same way they are called sluts. I personally think there exists a double standard that is far more unjust: the fact that when black people wear Loony Toons shirts they look cool, but when white people wear them they just look foolish.
  • Jack is the worst character on LOST.
  • The Hunger Games should actually exist and the tributes should be selected from a list of people who order at restaurants right before they are closed, and everyone involved with the shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant.
  •  Why is there a “P” at the start of pneumonia? In fact, what jackass decided that’s how pneumonia should be spelled?
  • Staring at a blank wall is boring. But, when you introduce some homework to the equation, staring at a blank wall is practically like watching your favorite movie.
  • I don’t care what anyone says,  I have the same respect for Sandra Bullock that I have for Jar-Jar Binks.
  • I think fortune cookies taste terrible, but I eat them anyways because I want my future to be predicted by a prophecy… like Frodo or Neo from The Matrix.
  • I think that The Wolf of Wall Street should have won best picture, but only because 12 Years a Slave gave me a considerable amount of white guilt.
  • I don’t think I was ever truly ready to make the switch from Myspace to Facebook.

 

If you somehow made it to the end of that list, then you are probably somehow dumber than you were beforehand. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day… I know I wont…. because I will be doing homework.

 

 

Poking Holes In Common Idioms

It is what it is.”

Not only is this completely redundant, but it also makes you sound as dumb as you are stupid.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

I personally have eaten almost every cake that I have had. I’m not really sure what else you do with a cake… unless you’re that weird cake farts lady. Side note: if you haven’t seen that video, you should, it’s totally gross.

Make sure to stop and smell the roses.”

I try not to do this, A) because I really don’t see roses growing on the side of the road, at least on my regular walking paths and B) because you might be late for something that’s actually important.

“The pen is mightier than the sword.”

Yeah, Ghenghis Khan raped and pillaged half a continent and created the Mongol Empire… with a pen.

 “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

That just all depends on the kind of bird in question. A crow in the hand is worth nothing, and two crows in the bush is also worth nothing. An iPhone with Flappy-bird on it in the hand is worth a butt-load on ebay. Two iPhones with Flappy-bird in the bush is worth two buttloads on ebay… I mean they are sitting in a bush so they are pretty much free for the taking.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Unless the cover has a an Oprah book club sticker on it… then judge away my friend.

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Well that settles it… the egg came first.

Poking Holes In Famous Quotes

“Do one thing every day that scares you”-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Inspirational yes, but you know what scares me? Terrorism, Cancer, AIDS, Identity Theft, a Nuclear Holocaust and  I guess bees. I think even Eleanor would agree that trying any one of those things might be counterproductive.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”- Albert Einstein 

The thing:  Call somebody on the phone.                    The same thing: Call somebody on the phone again.

The expectation: They will answer.                               The expectation: They will answer.

The result: They do not answer.                                      The result: They answer.

The thing:  Shoot a deer.                                                     The same thing: Shoot the same deer again.

The expectation: It will die.                                               The expectation: It will die.

The result: It is still alive.                                                           The result: It dies.

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”-Unknown

True, but whoever was quoted saying this probably grew up to become a serial killer.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  – Bernard M. Baruch

Unless, of course, you are a racist.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi

The changes I wish to see in the world are free gasoline and dippin’ dots being really really healthy.  I am unsure how to become either one of these things. Also, I assume Hitler thought something along these lines when he wished there were nobody but blonde white Christian folks.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” -Mark Twain

Except your home address, social security number and girlfriend’s birthday.

100 things

List of things I don’t like.  (In no order) 
  1. The show “talking dead”
  2. Crows
  3. Black licorice 
  4. Flo from progressive commercials
  5. Playing hockey 
  6. The phrase “hate fuck” as a verb
  7. Bone thugs and harmony 
  8. Domesticated cats  
  9. The smell of artichokes 
  10. Being hungover 
  11. Hermit crabs 
  12. LinkedIn 
  13. FaceTime /skype 
  14. The movie “the blindside”
  15. Bees
  16. When people complain about being fat 
  17. Accidentally eating grape stems 
  18. That game where you can win a lobster with a crane 
  19. Car racing video games 
  20. Lacrosse players 
  21. The concept of social host tickets 
  22. Hats that make people look like animals 
  23. Parents who don’t let their kids read Harry potter. 
  24. Sticky mouse traps. 
  25. Michael Bay movies 
  26. Gerard Butler 
  27. People who keep tarantulas as pets
  28. Putting the bed cover back on my bed. 
  29. The book “Emma” by Jane Austin 
  30. Batman’s voice in the dark night trilogy 
  31. Watching sportscenter twice in a row
  32. Video clips where things jump out and startle you. 
  33. The San Antonio spurs 
  34. Jack from lost 
  35. Unnecessarily gluten-free people
  36. Driving in Minneapolis 
  37. People that work out in jeans 
  38. Diet Pepsi 
  39. Misusing there, their, they’re 
  40. Snorkeling in lakes 
  41. Tequila 
  42. The sound of loud electronics 
  43. Nuns 
  44. Tapioca pudding 
  45. Collaflower 
  46. Traffic
  47. Bike chains 
  48. Fortune tellers
  49. Siri 
  50. The human centipede two 
 
List of things I like (not comprehensive)
  1. Dimples 
  2. Jell-O
  3. Zombies
  4. Grand theft auto games 
  5. The color green 
  6. Brushing my teeth 
  7. Whiskey-7s 
  8. Beyonce’s voice 
  9. Trains 
  10. Windmills 
  11. The sound of cards being shuffled 
  12. Foreplay 
  13. Frank’s red hot 
  14. Walking home drunk 
  15. The name Rex for a dog 
  16. Snuggling 
  17. When people abbreviate words that don’t need to be abbreviated 
  18. Eating breakfast for dinner 
  19. Applesauce
  20. Seeing movies in theaters 
  21. Watching people eat spaghetti 
  22. Ninjas 
  23. When it’s warm in my bed but cold in my room. 
  24. The sound it makes when you create a peasant in age of empires 
  25. Catch phrase 
  26. Wolves 
  27. The word “sassy”
  28. Will Ferrell quotes 
  29. Yoga pants 
  30. Jude Law 
  31. Tinted windows 
  32. The song “baby I got your money” by Old Dirty Bastard 
  33. Softball 
  34. Giving back massages 
  35. Being drunk when nobody knows your drunk 
  36. Apple slices 
  37. My mom’s cooking
  38. Toy story 
  39. Beer pong and ping pong 
  40. Riding in boats 
  41. Moist towelettes  
  42. Cream cheese 
  43. The word razzmatazz (the drink at Jamba Juice)
  44. Harriet island 
  45. Goose down comforters 
  46. Betting one dollar at a time in roulette 
  47. Playing “would you rather”
  48. Catching flies 
  49. Dive bars 
  50. Swivel chairs 

 

Toilet Paper

Have you ever just wondered about how something came to be? I mean somethings you just get why they were invented and you can speculate on the events that transpired in order for them to be invented. Take for example the air conditioner… Someone was complaining about how hot it was and then someone smarter took it upon themselves to make make an air conditioner. But what about the things that no one wants to talk about. What about toilet paper? 

Imagine the world before toilet paper. People just walked, uncomfortably, around with crusty unwiped butt-cracks. Clearly this was a problem for everyone and they needed a solution, but so many people could have thought that it was just them. Imagine the first people to bring it up. “Hey Dave… can I talk to you about something?” “When you poop does it just basically… dry on there and itch and burn all day after?” Could you just imagine how uncomfortable it would be for Dave and the fear the speaker might have that Dave would say something like. “no… you should probably go get that checked out.” Imagine even further about the first two people to talk about how corn doesn’t digest fully. They had seen corn in their poop before but how many times do you think they wanted to ask someone if it was normal and could not find the courage? 

I guess my point is that we should all take a moment and just thank those brave enough to talk about things like butt wiping.