Unquote

Being quoted has to be an amazing feeling. To have your words echo through eternity and effect the lives of those who come across them, would be an exceptionally rewarding experience. I often like to speculate on whether these philosophers, celebrities, athletes and government officials spoke these words with the intention of them being quoted generations later by people who never even knew them. I also wonder how upsetting it would be to Einstein, Plato, Warhol, Jordan, Marilyn Monroe, and any other frequently quoted person to learn that their words of infinite wisdom were mostly being used by teenagers who quote them on their Facebook pages when they feel a little philosophical or down in the dumps.

Personally, I hope it does upset them. Personally, I think it’s bull-crap that those individuals with bonafide celebrity status have completely monopolized the quote market. Is this not America? Is this not a land of equal opportunity? It doesn’t seem fair to me that the incoherent ramblings of some nut-job like Marilyn Monroe can be quoted for eternity by misunderstood teenage girls, but my insightful quips and life-changing advice will fall upon deaf ears. Well, I plan to change this social injustice by simply quoting myself.

So, if you ever find yourself looking for some inspiration, or you need something to quote in order to effectively kick off your commencement speech at graduation, here are some quotes from the not quite as famous as he probably should be Jacob Guenther. (keep in mind that most of these are just me tweaking common sayings and quotes to be way more awesomer)

“There are very few things more glorious and more rewarding than watching the sun rise. One of them is sleeping in.” –Jacob Guenther 

“I’ve heard it said that the best things in life are free, but I disagree. You know what kinds of things costs exactly $0.00 plus tax? AIDS, Cancer, starving to death, being mauled by a grizzly bear, hypothermia, I could go all day. You know what kinds of things you have to pay for? ATVs, sweatshirts, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and a subscription to HBO.” –Jacob Guenther

“Sure, when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, but don’t get too comfortable with that notion. Because guess what, one day, life might just hand you a gator, and if you sit around trying to make Gatorade you might just get your leg bitten off.” –Jacob Guenther 

“Finish your dinner, there are starving kids in district 12.” – Jacob Guenther

“I never understood how people treat women as objects. What are people doing with objects these days?”-Jacob Guenther

“The early bird gets the worm, but the late bird gets half-off appetizers at Applebees.”- Jacob Guenther 

“Stop blaming illegal immigrants for taking American jobs. This is America, stupid, we don’t want to do those crappy jobs anyway.” – Jacob Guenther 

“If Jesus had been born in 1990 and started saying he was the son of God we would have just prescribed him some Adderall and told him to shut the hell up.” –Jacob Guenther

“There are two kinds of people in the world: Elton John fans and members of Al Qaeda.” –Jacob Guenther

“You can spend your whole life trying to be unique and original, but at the end of the day you are still just a hippie.” -Jacob Guenther 

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R.A.P.

Rhythm Assisted Poetry 

October 8, 2002. The day that Rhythm Assisted Poetry gave way to Retards Advertised Profitably. October 8th, 2002: The official release date of lil’ Jon and The East Side Boyz’s album, Kings of Crunk. Now I know what you are thinking, you bought that CD just like everyone else you hypocrite, and you are right. “Get Low” was a smash hit and I will still sing along every time I hear it. The only reason I place so much blame on little Jonathon is that after this album, people started realizing that fame and fortune was attainable without any talent, as long as you had a cool beat and somebody shouting affirmative interjections in the background. After “The Kings of Crunk” rap started becoming what it is today and ladies and gentleman it is not pretty. Somehow the lyrics have gone from  true stories of overcoming poverty, east and west coast battles and deep personal confessions, to money, lies, big-booty-hoes, and nonsensical phrases that kind of rhyme with the N-word.  Here are some of my personal favorite rap lyrics: 

“Love is evil, spell it backwards, I’ll show ya.” Eminem 

  E-V-O-L…. what’s that spell? Evol. For those of you interested Evol is actually an all-girl pop group… from South Korea. Now I may be in the minority here, but the new Eminem just doesn’t do it for me, and the worst part is that he is still one of the best. This is likely a textbook case of playing at the level of your competition, because in the 90’s and 2000’s Eminem was a genius… now he just sounds like a white lil’ Wayne.  

“I exchange V-cards with the retards”- Mack Maine

To steal a line from my boy, Lil’ Jon, uhhhhhWHAAAAAAT!!??      

“Clap clap clap for my money
Clap clap clap if you count money
Clap clap clap throw some money
Slap her in the booty, with some money
(Flocka Waka Flocka Waka)”

“That’s that white clear shit, I don’t fear shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m my CEO shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m a artist with a artist, and his single hard as mine, that’s real shit” -Walka Flocka Flame

Mr. Flocka teaches us that believe it or not, money rhymes with money, and shit rhymes with shit… no matter how many times you say it.

“Bandz a make her dance”- Juicy J

Schoolz a make you smart.    

“As the sun rotates and Pit gets bigger
And more countries in the world like Hitler
Commando bomb, double 0, 3, 0, 5
AKA Mr. Worldwide, ha ha ha”

“Now watch him make a movie like Albert Hitchcock” – Pitbull

Who the fuck is Albert Hitchcock?  A quick test to make sure you are listening to a Pitbull song is to ask yourself the following questions: Does he randomly say “Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305 and Dale” about 26 times? Does he arbitrarily shout the names of densely populated cities? Does he say nonsensical things that sound inspirational at first, but are actually meaningless and stupid? If so, there is a good chance you are listening to mistah worldwide himself. 

“I don’t have no trouble with you fuckin’ me, but I got a little problem wit’ you not fuckin’ me” -Old Dirty Bastard

WU-TANG! 

“Boy, I’m cock-a-manian
The most zaniest, insaniant
Pulling up in Merced-iance
Rolling up like I’m Damian
I love girls that’s Arabian, Albanian, caucasian
I ride around gettin cranium cause my dick is hard as titanium”

“Ok I say that shit again, I said it once before
I just, I just, I just, I just want it all
I glisten and shine with miss’s fine model chick,
Big behind, bad enough to skip the line” -Big Sean

Big Sean teaches us that it is possible to throw together a hit song with a tenuous grasp of the English language,  provided you are able to just kind of make up words… Hell, they don’t even have to rhyme. 

They know who I be, cuz my name on my clothes”- Soulja Boy

Fun fact, Soulja boy did come out with his own line of clothing in 2008. Unfortunately, the song this is quoted from came out in 2007. So in other words Soulja boy was just writing his name on some shirts. 

“They ask me what I do and who I do it for
And how I come up with this shit up in the studio
All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe”

“She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty”

“Her pussy’s so good I bought her a pet
Anyway, every day I’m trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under “Big Booty”

2 Chainz is probably most famous for his obsession with prostitutes who have larger than average Gluteal muscles. Also, in what ass-backwards universe do the words “FOR” and “STUDIO” rhyme? 

“I live by two words: Fuck you, Pay me”- Kanye West 

I counted four words there… but hey I was never much of a mathematician. 

Poking Holes In Common Idioms

It is what it is.”

Not only is this completely redundant, but it also makes you sound as dumb as you are stupid.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

I personally have eaten almost every cake that I have had. I’m not really sure what else you do with a cake… unless you’re that weird cake farts lady. Side note: if you haven’t seen that video, you should, it’s totally gross.

Make sure to stop and smell the roses.”

I try not to do this, A) because I really don’t see roses growing on the side of the road, at least on my regular walking paths and B) because you might be late for something that’s actually important.

“The pen is mightier than the sword.”

Yeah, Ghenghis Khan raped and pillaged half a continent and created the Mongol Empire… with a pen.

 “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

That just all depends on the kind of bird in question. A crow in the hand is worth nothing, and two crows in the bush is also worth nothing. An iPhone with Flappy-bird on it in the hand is worth a butt-load on ebay. Two iPhones with Flappy-bird in the bush is worth two buttloads on ebay… I mean they are sitting in a bush so they are pretty much free for the taking.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Unless the cover has a an Oprah book club sticker on it… then judge away my friend.

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Well that settles it… the egg came first.

Poking Holes In Famous Quotes

“Do one thing every day that scares you”-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Inspirational yes, but you know what scares me? Terrorism, Cancer, AIDS, Identity Theft, a Nuclear Holocaust and  I guess bees. I think even Eleanor would agree that trying any one of those things might be counterproductive.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”- Albert Einstein 

The thing:  Call somebody on the phone.                    The same thing: Call somebody on the phone again.

The expectation: They will answer.                               The expectation: They will answer.

The result: They do not answer.                                      The result: They answer.

The thing:  Shoot a deer.                                                     The same thing: Shoot the same deer again.

The expectation: It will die.                                               The expectation: It will die.

The result: It is still alive.                                                           The result: It dies.

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”-Unknown

True, but whoever was quoted saying this probably grew up to become a serial killer.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  – Bernard M. Baruch

Unless, of course, you are a racist.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi

The changes I wish to see in the world are free gasoline and dippin’ dots being really really healthy.  I am unsure how to become either one of these things. Also, I assume Hitler thought something along these lines when he wished there were nobody but blonde white Christian folks.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” -Mark Twain

Except your home address, social security number and girlfriend’s birthday.