Dear Burglar

I hesitate to call you a burglar, simply for the fact that you did not actually burglarize me, well I guess in the strict, legal definition of the word “burglary” you did burglarize me, but you didn’t actually take anything so I will just call you an invader.

Dear Invader,

First of all, I would like to applaud your sharp eye for unlocked doors. Typically I am very diligent when it comes to locking my car door. This probably stems from a past experience where my car was burglarized in every sense of the word, but I can’t be too sure. I assume it was my remote key that is to blame for your invasion of my property, lately it has been under-performing and I have been forced to click the lock  and unlock button several times before my car responds. Regardless of where my habit of routine car locking came from, or why I failed to secure my vehicle last night, you managed to catch me the one time I slipped up. So, kudos to you.

The real question here is: why did you break into my car, empty out my backpack, rifle through my glove compartment, and remove my stereo deck/dashboard from its original place, but proceed to not steal any of it? This, I have been speculating on all morning, but I simply do not understand.

My first thought was that perhaps someone caught you in the act. This is definitely possible, because if I were breaking into someones car and got busted I would have also probably stopped. However, based on how thorough you were in your search for valuable items, I can only assume you left on your own terms. I mean you found the secret compartment that took me like three weeks to discover, so either you are an expert on the subject of 1997 Honda Cr-V’s, or you had a considerable amount of time to raid my car. I am going to assume the latter.

The problem now, is that your decision not to take anything becomes a complete mystery. Maybe you saw that I had a butter knife holding my glove compartment shut. This ghetto problem solution/brilliant display of resourcefulness would have indicated to you that I,(and I can only assume) like you, are in a sticky financial situation. Perhaps you empathized with me and had a change of heart mid-burgle. If that is the case, then thank you! I appreciate that you understood how much I needed my backpack, sunglasses, graphing calculator and stereo. In fact, I would like to buy you a beer and you and I can have a long discussion about graphing calculators and stereos, or maybe we can just joyfully reflect on what a funny word “burgle” is. I truly want to believe that you only half-robbed me because you had a fundamental change of heart during the course of your break in, the only problem is that I am kind of a cynical guy. In other words, I understand that you are the type of person who would break into a stranger’s car in the first place, which leads me to believe that you are a pile-of-shit. (sorry, the curse words may have been unwarranted)

If that is the case, and your decision not to rob me did not come from a place of empathy, then that leaves me with two options:

1) You had the full intention of robbing me, but after examining the contents of my car, you found nothing that you believed to be valuable or worth stealing. If so, I am deeply offended and I urge you to please reassess the monetary value of my belongings. Because unless you are one of the rare highbrow car burglars, I don’t understand why you would leave my graphing calculatorstereo, or sunglasses… I mean their Tommy Hilfiger for Christ’s sake.

2) You have been following me for weeks, maybe even months, and have discovered that I am a neat freak. This is the most disturbing possible motive for your half-burglary, not only because it means you have been stalking me, but because it means that you trashed the interior of my car for the sole purpose of terrorizing me. You knew that the mess you made would give me a considerable amount of anxiety, and would then force me to be late to class because I had to tidy it up a little bit before driving. This also means that if my suffering brought you some kind of happiness, then you are probably a maniac and you are also very likely to strike again. The question is, how?

Will you break into my room and reorganize my Harry Potter book collection so that it is not in numerical order?

Will you remove the batteries from my remotes and hide them?

Will you go into my text books and write believable, but incorrect answers and tips in the margins?

Will you switch my pillow covers so that I can’t tell which one is the comfy one until I put my head on it?

Will you displace one of the slats under my bed so that if I sit down too hard on my bed it will fall and my mattress will be lopsided?

I guess the purpose of my letter, Mr. Burglar… or sorry, Mr. Invader, is to get to know you a little better. I hope you write me back, and tell me all about you. I’d like to know so many things, like do you live in the area? Is burglary a full time job for you, or more of a hobby? Do you have kids? Do they burglarize cars? Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever been in a fight? What’s your sign (in the zodiac/ astrology sense of the word)? Did your horoscope tell you to break into my car and not actually take anything? Do you also dislike gluten-free people? No rush and no pressure, all I want to do is try to better understand the events that transpired May 1st sometime between the hours of 12:00 and 7:45am. Just send me a letter, I’m sure you know the address.

Look forward to hearing from you.




Personality Quiz

The entire time I have been posting on this blog, all I have been doing is rambling on and on about myself. Seeing as how I am the 15th least interesting person on the planet, and in the interest of being a team-player, I have decided to write about you. I’m not going to write any stories about any one person in particular because A, that’s no fun and B, people get left out and its a mess. Instead, I will give you the opportunity to learn a little more about who you really are. After decades of social experiments and psychological research, I have compiled a list of open-ended, multiple-choice and would-you-rather personality quiz questions that will allow the quizee to truly reflect on what it is that makes them who they are. *Disclaimer: if any of the following questions offend you, then your personality probably sucks anyways and I recommend you toughen up for the real world.*

1. If you were a naughty word, which one would you be?


2. If you could whisper one sexually suggestive remark in Oprah Winfrey’s ear, without consequence, what would it be?


3. If kitchen appliances were self-aware and could talk, think, feel and love, which one would you date?


4. Would you rather hold hands with your celebrity crush, or win a $15 gift card to Applebees?


5. If you were toast would you:

A) be covered in Jelly?

B) be covered in Jam?

C) be used to make some type of sandwich?

D) be burnt because your toaster is offended by your answer to Question 3?


6. Would you rather eat a used tampon or a half-pound of human hair?


7.If you were a hotdog, what percentage beef would you be?


8. If you met actor Michael Peña would you address him using Tù, or the formal Usted?


9. Do the words “The Plaza” mean anything special to you?


10. If you were an item on the McDonald’s dollar menu, which one would you be?


11. Would you rather have two wooden peg-legs or have both your hands be replaced with hooks?


12. If you could rewrite the english dictionary how would you spell the word that is defined:

       Noun. “An opaque white or blueish-white liquid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals, serving for the nourishment of their young”

A) Malk

B) Milk

C) Melk


13. *For men* Would you rather have an extra nose where your penis is supposed to be, or an extra penis where your nose is supposed to be?


13. *For women* Would you rather date a guy who had an extra nose where his penis is supposed to be, or an extra penis where is nose is supposed to be?


14. Would you rather find out that your spouse of 20 years was a terrorist, or find out that he/she was a pedophile?


15. Have you ever referred to your relationship status as “between girlfriends/boyfriends”? 


 To Check out what your answers mean, follow the link



The Four Stages of Taco Bell

Stage One- Reasoning

During this stage you have realized that you as a consumer have a need and you have identified that need as hunger. You are searching for viable options, maybe make a snack at home, maybe wait  until the morning… or maybe hit the drive-thru at your nearest Taco Bell. Typically if you have even considered the Taco bell option, you have more than likely been abusing some controlled substances or your mind has been altered in some kind of way. Whatever the cause, something is hindering your ability to evaluate your options in a reasonable or rational way. You are likely in the car on the way home from somewhere, and you are likely not alone. Normally you would consider things like health benefits, your financial state, or even just what time it is, but then someone in the car utters the fateful words, “Should we swing by taco bell?” 

Stage Two- Submission

 Even if by some strange sequence of events you are in any state of mind to be making a decision, you have already reasoned with yourself and it is game over for you. You have  managed to convinced yourself that if you do not purchase and ingest 3,500 calories worth of beef, cheese, sour cream, dog meat and pink slime you will literally parish from starvation on the way home. Your car pulls up, you look at the menu, and it all just seems so tasty and so affordable. The vague adjectives the marketing geniuses use at taco bell HQ to describe the various items on the menu entice you. Beefy five layer burrito, cheesy gordita crunch, Doritos Loco taco, cheesy-crunchy-beefy-potatoey-crispy-chewy-zesty-grilled-stuffed-whatever-the-fuck, it all just sounds delicious. 

Stage Three- The Feast

You and your partners have somehow collectively ordered 27 burritos, 14 tacos, 5 Baja-blast Mountain dews and 9 miscellaneous food items that are unique to taco bell’s  menu. Your total bill is 8 bucks. Everyone instantly starts chowing down. The driver pulls over because it’s hard to eat Mexican food while driving and he squeezed the first beefy-five-layer-burrito too hard causing it to squirt cheese and sour cream on his jacket. There is no time to distribute each person’s order so there is one person holding the bags on his lap. Meat sweat drips out of your every pore as you shout to the bag-holder for more hot sauce and your next taco.With the car parked in some sketchy location, the occupants of your vehicle devour the meal until it is nothing but a sad memory. 

Stage Four- Guilt & Resentment 

Somehow you have gone from profound satisfaction, to a deep state of sadness and guilt. You have just eaten more than your fill of, what the FDA would not allow taco bell to call, beef. You feel the inside of your stomach judging you, as it attempts to digest what you so eagerly stuffed down your gullet. Although you have spent almost no money, you feel shame that you spent any amount of coin on this food, when you should have come home and eaten a PB&J. You ask yourself, “WHY?” and, “Who is to blame for this  madness?” but you have only yourself to blame. You might even swear off taco bell for life after the guilt and resentment you feel about what you have done, but you will be back….. they always come back. 

Poking Holes In Famous Quotes

“Do one thing every day that scares you”-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Inspirational yes, but you know what scares me? Terrorism, Cancer, AIDS, Identity Theft, a Nuclear Holocaust and  I guess bees. I think even Eleanor would agree that trying any one of those things might be counterproductive.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”- Albert Einstein 

The thing:  Call somebody on the phone.                    The same thing: Call somebody on the phone again.

The expectation: They will answer.                               The expectation: They will answer.

The result: They do not answer.                                      The result: They answer.

The thing:  Shoot a deer.                                                     The same thing: Shoot the same deer again.

The expectation: It will die.                                               The expectation: It will die.

The result: It is still alive.                                                           The result: It dies.

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”-Unknown

True, but whoever was quoted saying this probably grew up to become a serial killer.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  – Bernard M. Baruch

Unless, of course, you are a racist.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi

The changes I wish to see in the world are free gasoline and dippin’ dots being really really healthy.  I am unsure how to become either one of these things. Also, I assume Hitler thought something along these lines when he wished there were nobody but blonde white Christian folks.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” -Mark Twain

Except your home address, social security number and girlfriend’s birthday.

The Neurotic Hopeless-Romantic Playbook

Play One-Receiving a text message from the girl you like:

  • Open it .4 seconds after your phone vibrates when you see its her.
  • Feel a rush of excitement as if she professed her love for you, even if the text only says, “hey.”
  • Immediately type out the response you actually want to say, which is probably sweet and romantic, but completely uncalled for and disproportionate.
  •  Debate whether or not you should send it because responding in 2.2 seconds makes it seem like you have no life.
  • Don’t send it.
  • Actively try not to send the response for as long as possible but then convince yourself that you HAVE TO.
  • Re-read the draft of your original response.
  • Decide that what you said makes you sound ridiculous.
  • Respond with, “hey.”
  • Several texts later, send the original romantic but misplaced text message.
  • Wallow in your stupidity.

Play Two-Seeing a cute girl walk past you:

  • Smile at her
  • She smiles back
  • Continue walking
  • Tell yourself you should have said something because if you had, you might have hit it off and it might have started raining and you might have had to take shelter in a near-by coffee shop or movie theater and you might have kissed each other and you might have had a wildly romantic afternoon with her and that might make one killer-ass story to tell your kids one day.
  • Continue walking until you see another cute girl.
  • Rinse and repeat.

Play Three-Getting dumped:

  • Cry, or try super hard not to cry.
  • Go home and read every text or letter you two had ever exchanged, in an attempt to figure out what went wrong.
  • When you finish reading the texts, send her something desperate or something you think makes you sound cool and indifferent but actually makes you sound like a douche-bag.
  • She doesn’t text you back.
  • Completely swear off girls.
  • Decide that swearing off girls was a dumb plan and decide to be a player instead because you think that girls like assholes and being nice didn’t work out for you.
  • Contact a bunch of girls you talked to before you were in a relationship.
  • Realize that they are no longer interested because you have been in a relationship and obviously they moved on.
  • Go to the bar to pick up girls but end up sitting with your friends and making up excuses as to why you did not make anything resembling an attempt to communicate with a female.
  • Go home and text your ex-girlfriend something stupid.
  • Tell her you were drunk the next day and you didn’t mean whatever you said.
  • Completely give up on ever finding love.
  • Fall in love with the next girl you see.          (see play two)

Play four- Going on a date: 

  • Try to fit the words “I have a date tonight” into at least four conversations with four different people.
  • Ask a female friend what to wear, but then end up wearing what you were going to wear anyway.
  • Spend a tremendous amount of time and energy getting your hair to look like you spent no time on your hair.
  • Make your bed and clean your room because she might be coming back there later.
  • Sweat through the shirt you had originally picked out.
  • Put on the shirt that your female friend told you to wear. (it was a better choice anyway)
  • Brush your teeth.
  • Gargle mouth wash.
  • Practice laughing and smiling and making other random conversational faces in the mirror.
  • Notice that what was once a tiny outline of a blemish is now an enormous white head.
  • Tell yourself that you are ugly and even your own mom probably is embarrassed by you.
  • Tell yourself that you didn’t mean it and that this girl and any girl would be lucky to have you because you are smart and funny and you can give a hell of a back massage.
  • Think of a perfect opening line.
  • Blast encouraging music in the car the whole way there.
  • Realize you forgot a condom and convince yourself that you totally would have needed it.
  • Pick up your date.
  • Say your perfect opening line perfectly.
  • Have to repeat your opening line because she asked “what?” and this time totally butcher it.
  • Go on date.
  • Convince yourself that it is probably not even a date and she just wanted to grab a bite to eat, but doesn’t actually like you.
  • Spill something on your shirt.
  • Awkwardly force a hug at the end of your not-date.
  • Get back in your car.
  • Realize that you like her ten times more than you originally did.
  • Go home and stalk her via social media.
  • End up friend requesting her boyfriend.
  • Ask your dog if he still loves you.
  • Your dog ignores you and goes downstairs and poops in the dining room.

Play Five-Hearing the words “I love you” for the first time:

  • Remove heart from stomach.
  • Stare at her studying her face to see if she really meant it.
  • Think about how cool it is that you didn’t say it first this time.
  • Pause for too long.
  • She tells you its okay if you are not ready to say it.
  • Tell her that you are ready.
  • She doesn’t believe you.
  • Continue doing what you were doing prior to hearing her say that.
  • Be as distant as possible because your mind and heart are in a Sharknado.
  • Half way home realize what a complete idiot you are.
  • Make a borderline life-threatening U-turn on a busy street.
  • Go back to her house.
  • Call her and tell her to come outside.
  • Kiss her with all you have.
  • Tell her you loved her the second you met her and that you are sorry you didn’t say it earlier.
  • Be in love for awhile.
  • Plan the rest of your life with her in it.
  • Break up.                                                                 (see play three)

Pokemon: The Untold Story

On windy nights their voices can still be heard. Merely echos of a once great nation. Countless victim’s bones lay merely inches below the dirt and yet over the span of a few short years they have been forgotten. We remember the Holocaust and the Atlantic Slave trade, both sick and shameful examples of genocide and ethnic cleansing. But somehow the capture and slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Pocket Monsters (Pokemon) in the 1990’s, seems to slip our minds.

The initial movement started in Western Kanto, in the small village of Pallett Town. Here, children were given a domesticated Pokemon at a young age as a method of desensitizing them to the violent life of becoming a Pokemon Trainer. What they called Trainers, historians say are comparable to the position of SS-Scharführer in the Nazi party, who captured and deported Jews to ghettos and extermination camps. The Trainers were instructed to raise the domesticated Pokemon until they were strong enough to fight. Then the Trainers were sent from their homes on a bloody pilgrimage across the land, to search far and wide for free Pokemon to capture and force into captivity.

Some of the methods they used have been lost in translation as Pokemon become a more distant memory, but I will try to break down the process as best I can. A Trainer would traditionally keep captured Pokemon inside what were called Pokeballs. The engineering and design that went into Pokeballs was simply astonishing for the early 90’s and is still not fully understood today. Physicists believe that they had a particle accelerating core and held as much energy per mass as an atomic bomb. Pokemon as large as a fully grown, 200lb Charizard could be reduced to the size of a tennis ball and stored easily in a backpack or on a utility belt. Inside these tiny and uncomfortable balls, the Pokemon experienced what was likely a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and after being held captive and beaten for days they developed a dependence and love for their trainer that was so strong , they would willingly fight and die for them. When the Trainers came across a free Pokemon, they would force the domesticated to attack and scourge it until it could no longer fight back. Once it was near death and posed no threat to the Trainer, it was captured inside a Pokeball and later forced to perform the same acts of violence.

As time went on, and the capture and trade of Pokemon became common-hat,  the Trainers began to make games out of fighting the Pokemon. Similar to the concept of Mandingo fighting during the Atlantic Slave trade, two trainers would each place a bet, then each chose one captured Pokemon and force them to fight each other to the death. This practice was known as “battling”, and its popularity spread like wildfire because of its high entertainment value and money making potential. Soon, some trainers with particularly large and powerful collections of Pokemon built gyms, where the majestic animals were born and raised for the sole purpose of fighting. The gym leaders were commonly known as Pokemasters and were idolized by young trainers. Ash Ketchum, born and raised in Pallett Town, was one of the most well known Pokemasters, famous for his coined phrase: “gotta catch ’em all.” Some historians believe that he might have been the very best… like no one ever was.

Because of the Pokemon’s low cognitive ability, they were not capable of much resistance. In fact, with a few exceptions, they could only make noises that sounded like the name of their species classification, or some variation of it. There is no doubt that an average Pokemon would defeat a human in hand-to-hand combat but because of their low intelligence and poor organizational skills, they were no match for the technology that the Trainers possessed. The only documented resistance against the Pokemon Trainers was from a rebel group known as Team Rocket, which was made up of 2 humans and one of the rare talking Pokemon. However, leaders of the Fascist Pokemon training movement, like the infamous Professor Oak, used propaganda such as a Pokemon TV show and Pokemon trading cards to squash the resistance. The media at the time positioned Team Rocket as a group of foolish villains who were hell bent on world domination. Because of how they were portrayed, Team Rocket received little support and their efforts were ultimately unsuccessful.

The Fascist Pokemon training movement eventually failed when people’s interests just kind of changed and the capture and slaughter of Pokemon became nothing more than a distant memory and a game that nerds play on weekends. Although it has diminished in popularity, there are still people who perform Pokemon battles using the methods championed by the Pokemasters of the 1990’s. We may never completely rid the world of such horrific behavior, but I write this essay for the purpose of remembrance. So that we never forget the innocent Pokemon that lost their lives and the tragic acts of senseless violence that went unpunished. So come with me, the time is right and there’s no better team. Arm and arm, we’ll win the fight, it’s always been our dream. We must work together to ensure that the Pokemon are never forgotten.