A Transcript from the 2020 Presidential Debate

Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper of CNN, which i’m now obligated by law to say is fake news. We would like to welcome you to University of Phoenix for the first presidential debate between President Donald Trump and seventeen-time world wrestling champion Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson. Tonight’s debate will be a town hall format which gives voters the chance to ask the candidates questions directly. Both candidates will have two minutes to answer each question. We would like to ask that— you know what? F** it. Clearly the whole world has lost its damn mind, so do whatever the hell you want. Here are your candidates. President Trump, the first question is directed to you and comes from Gina Franklin. Gina?

Franklin: Thank you. These last four years have been defined by political distrust, impropriety and turmoil. How do you plan to fix that during your presidency.

Trump: So, let me say this, let me tell you first of all, these questions are supposed to be unbiased and clearly this is a person who watches fake news and buys in to the liberal agenda, who doesn’t support the truth. Let me ask you this. Where do you get your news from, Gina?

Cooper: Mr. Trump, please just ans—

Trump: I’ll tell you, you see what I’m saying? She probably watches CNN. My answer to your question, which I shouldn’t even have to be answering, but I will anyway, is that the last four years have been a tremendous success. We have solved the crisis in the Middle East, we have ISIS on their heels, we have more jobs here in the United States than we ever did under the Obama administration, health care prices have dropped astronomically and we have begun construction on the wall. So when you ask me about political turmoil, I see that as nothing but words, when I have provided tremendous actions with huge results.

Cooper: To be clear, Mr. Trump, the crisis in the Middle East is far from solved, there have been no documented changes in ISIS activity and fewer than 60% of American citizens are able to afford health insurance.

Trump: Here we go again, Anderson. Why don’t we let my opponent, who has no political experience answer that question?

Cooper: (taking pull from fifth of Jack Daniels) Sure. Go ahead, The Rock.

Johnson: First of all, Gina, that is just an awesome question. Thank you guys all so much for the support you’ve shown me. As president, I will make it my job to listen to the American people, and do everything in my power to T.C.O.B. that’s take care of business. I’m a guy who busts his ass early in the morning working out everyday, and I’ll bring a new energy and new positive vibes to the white house. These last four years you’ve had leadership that’s lied to you, that’s ignored you that’s—

Trump: NO.

Johnson: —That’s spread hate.

Trump: NO.

Johnson: And the American people—

Trump: Wrong.

Johnson: (raises eyebrow at Donald Trump) —And the American People deserve a leader that can be honest and can be held responsible for his actions. Less talkin’ more rockin’. (Finger guns)

Cooper: Thank you… The Rock. Our next question comes from Steve Conan. Go ahead Steve.

Conan: America is completely divided on almost every issue and this has been a catalyst for hateful rhetoric, violent protests, and even racism. How will you solve these issues, and unite us once again?

Cooper: The Rock, you may answer this one first.

Johnson: Steve, once again, awesome question, you really look like you work out, by the way. While my opponent grew up rich and inherited money from his father, I grew up poor and worked my way to the top. I have been a registered republican, and I have voted democrat. My allegiance isn’t with one party, but with the people. I’m literally made of the people, look. This is the people’s eyebrow. This is the people’s elbow. I, Kevin, am the people’s champ. Look at my opponent, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he looks like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

Cooper: (spit takes Jack Daniels)

Johnson: What the people need is a strong leader. And who is stronger than me?

Trump: Can I talk now? Can I? Anderson, Can I?

Cooper: (loosening tie) Yep, we can’t wait.

Trump: When my opponent claims, that he will solve this violence that is plaguing the American people, who I love more than he does, he is lying to you. He says he doesn’t stand for hate, but this is a man who made his living off of violence. He is a professional wrestler, do you know what that means? That means that him and another man, and sometimes even a woman, will fight, and this is all true, you can quote me on this, they will fight in a ring in front of a crowd and he gets paid for it. Is that the message you want to send your children? That it’s okay to hit and to kick and to do the People’s Elbow? And do you know what else he’s not telling you? I know this because I have the top people briefing me, he want’s you to think that his wrestling is real, but in reality, and I’m not making this up, it’s not real. He’s acting, or more accurately, lying to each and every one of you. Is that the man you want leading a country that is, as Marvin said, divided? I don’t think so. SAD.

Cooper: So… should I? Or do you want to?

Johnson: I’ll take this one, Anderson. President Trump. Are you under the impression that educated American citizens believe—

Trump: And I’ll tell you what else. He claims to be this strong leader. But ask any top scientist, and I don’t mean fake, liberal, scientist. But ask any real, top scientist and he’ll tell you the human body is like a battery and exercising, as much as this man does, is-just-is-you- It’s-just-it’s bad for you. You wan’t a president who’s going in for knee surgery after every time he travels  because he drained his body? No.

Johnson: So you think you’re stronger than me?

Trump: I know, I’m stronger than you. I’m smarter than you. I’m more successful than you. And I’m a better president than you. Ask everyone.

Cooper: For the record, you had one of the lowest approval ratings of any president, and Mr. Johnson, please keep your shirt on, I feel like I shouldn’t need to say that.

Johnson: (now in slacks and wife beater) Cooper, you better ask the next question before I pound this Jabroni.

Cooper: Great idea. This next question comes from Dan Carlson. Go ahead Dan.

Johnson: Actually, Coop, I have my own question.

Cooper: This isn’t the time for questions—

Johnson: And this question doesn’t concern Gina Franklin. It doesn’t concern Steve Conan.

Cooper: Mr. Johnson, please, you are slowing down the debate.

Trump: See, you let him keep talking but you cut me off, you owe the American People an apology. Losing—

Johnson: And this question doesn’t concern Anderson Cooper, and it doesn’t concern Dan Carlson. This is a question for you, Donald Trump. (rips microphone from podium) IF YOU SMELL-EL-EL-EL-L-L-L!!—

Cooper: Oh please God no.

Johnson: WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!? (Rips slacks off, revealing wrestling speedo underneath.)

(Johnson runs across stage and clotheslines President Trump. Secret Service rush the stage. Johnson begins hitting them with metal chair, while simultaneously stomping the ground to create the sound effect. Trump comes up behind him and hits him with a microphone. The blow does nothing but anger Johnson who grabs President Trump, inverts him, and pile-drives him through a folding table that no one had noticed on the stage. Anderson Cooper downs the rest of his fifth of whiskey and throws it into the crowd. Johnson, begins throwing elbow pads into the crowd. The crowd cheers for the people’s elbow. Johnson elbow drops President Trump on the stage.)

Cooper: There you have it folks (slurring his words). We’ll see you on October 10th, at the University of Michigan in Flint for the second presidential debate.

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An unjust world

Have you ever heard the expression, “If life is fair, then why do roses have thorns?”

Well, I have. I also think that as far as the injustices go, roses having thorns is pretty unimportant.

First of all, roses don’t have thorns because life is unfair. They have thorns because the first roses with thorns were protected from predators which allowed them to survive and pass on the “thorn trait” to the next generation of roses, who passed it on to the next, and blah, blah, evolutionary, blah.

But don’t get me wrong. I believe the world we live in has more than its fair share of things that are unjust, unfair or just plain wrong. Here’s a list of some true injustices:

  • Separating darks and lights while doing  laundry is racist and promotes segregation and unfair biases.
  • People are totally diggin’ sand all day and night, but then, when people finally take sand home with them, they treat it like garbage.
  • Leaving a little bit of milk in the carton so that the next person can have some is a selfless act of generosity and yet it is never appreciated.
  • A girl can say “I only like tall guys” and that’s cool. But, if I say “I only fly first class” then I go broke.
  • We have no problem giving people, who already have food, a bite of our food. But when an ant, who has no food, wants a bite we fucking murder them.
  •  Just because bees are an essential part of the environment, we have to protect them, even though they are dicks, and they are willing to kill themselves in order to inflict a small amount of pain on innocent people. Yet, 10,000 years ago, there were peaceful elephant-sized sloths and humans hunted them to extinction without anyone saying ‘boo’.
  • We have the right to bear arms but not the right to arm bears… Although, on second thought, maybe that’s a good thing.
  • People always say, we should leave a better world for the generations after us, but the people before us managed to evolve from primates. Then they let themselves go generation, after generation, and now primates can beat the shit out of humans, are way better at climbing trees, and have way less debt from student loans.
  • Gangsters can wear Loony Toons shirts and look cool and I can’t even dress nice and look cool.
  • Weathermen, politicians and Siri are allowed to constantly be wrong and answer questions that are different than the one that was asked, and no one really thinks twice. But, if I do that, even only 1/4th of the time,  I get a C on my exam or get fired from my job.
  • You need a license to drive a car, but you don’t need a license to tell people that spiders can crawl in your mouth when you are sleeping.

Boys and Girls

I’m sure that all of you have read numerous blog posts about the differences between men and women. I think we can all agree that the differences between us are far more complex than the presence or absence of a Y chromosome. The real issue here, and I am aware of how potentially offensive this may be, is which gender is better. I think this is an important thing to discuss. We watch the olympics to certify our athletic dominance over every other country. Don’t you think it would be upsetting to watch the olympics only to be told that although USA’s basketball team crushed Japan 120-56, the real difference was between the countries’ cultures? I sure do.

Let’s be clear. Because I am a man… not the manliest of men by any means, but a man nonetheless, some people might think there are some personal biases in my scoring system. That is 100% true. Everything I am about to say could be considered sexist, prejudice, misogynistic, maybe even demonizing (just learned that word today), or downright unfair. But guess what? This issue needs to be settled, so I don’t care.

Anyways,  I will be evaluating each gender on their ability to perform in a number of categories. These categories are not meant to favor any gender in particular, although in some cases, one is just better than the other. We will start, as most critical debates do, with drinking.

*Disclaimer* Nothing I write for the duration of this post will be politically correct. It is written with the intention of being humorous and entertaining, not to offend or to belittle anybody. I am hesitant to even post it, but I think all of us are mature enough to be able to laugh at ourselves once in awhile. Anyways, please don’t hate me.

Drinking:  Its no secret that men can drink more than women, at least in volume. In addition to being larger and more able to consume liquid in mass quantities, men are cursed with hubris and can easily convince themselves that they can/should drink their body weight in beer. This makes it so men will drink more than women whether they are able to or not. The hubris factor will also result in a few fights, and some unprecedented philandering.

On the other hand, a woman’s drinking ability can be evaluated on a curve. The origin of the curve would start at the first drink. A woman will be careful and have a map of their entire evening drawn out in their mind. If we are graphing, the coordinates of that first drink are (0,0). The next notable coordinate would be (3,3). That’s three drinks, three significant events. This is also the point where the curve  should stop, because after this, well…. shit rolls downhill.  At (6,6) the girl will have minor alcohol poisoning, have lost her best friend and have interviewed at least two candidates for a new best friend. At (8,8) it’s time to confiscate the cell phone, call a cab and call in sick the next day.

Boys 1. Girls 0. 

Locker Rooms:

I’ll wrap this one up quickly. Women’s locker rooms are full of naked pillow fights and girls helping other girls apply soap to the unreachable areas of their backs. I think we can all agree that that is 100% true.

Men’s locker rooms, on the other hand, are full of old men, who are way too comfortable in their skin, walking around naked, blow-drying their junk and invading the personal space of teenagers who are facing the wall and changing with their eyes closed.

Boys 1. Girls 1. 

Bathrooms: 

This one may come as a surprise to a lot of people… but not to those who have worked in the service industry. Although men are far more vocal about their bowel movements and restroom experiences, the girls’ restroom is just down right disgusting. The worst you will find in the men’s room is an un-flushed #2 and maybe the remnants of some bad aim, while in a girls bathroom you might just find every single bodily fluid… ever.

Boys 2. Girls 1. 

Sports:

I’m talking about actual sports, not sailing, cheer leading, air-hockey, baton twirling, fishing, and especially not dance. I will also begin by disputing the whole, “Dance is a sport” submission. Girls say that dance is a sport because it is hard and a lot of guys could not do it. This is true. Through a series of unfortunate events, I was forced to participate in a dance line routine, and it was quite difficult. However, the difficulty of a task does not determine it’s status as a sport. Calculus, throwing a tic-tac into a water bottle from 100 feet away, and  doing 1,000 push ups are also very difficult activities, and a lot of guys probably couldn’t do it, but the fact remains… they are not sports.

Here’s the deal… Men are better at sports. You might think I’m bias and that’s fine, but let’s compare the best NBA player to the best WMBA player. Let’s compare the best MLB player to the best softball player. Let’s compare the best NHL player to the best women’s hockey player. Let’s compare the best NFL player to the best… oh wait…

Boys 3. Girls 1. 

Outward Sexuality:

This has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is simply a matter of observation. Let’s compare the attributes of the male physique to that of the female. Men’s bodies are hard and hairy and full of tan lines and ingrown hairs. When men work hard they stink of body odor, and to top it all of, they have hairy butts.

The female physique is soft and curvy. Elegant and graceful. Smooth and hairless (typically). When women work hard their faces turn flushed and omit a warm glow… and in the words of my own girlfriend, “Girl’s have boobs.”

Boys 3. Girls 2. 

Dating:

Once in a relationship, men and women behave quite differently. A man’s strengths in a relationship are typically his loyalty and willingness to stand up for his girlfriend. A “good boyfriend” will do whatever it takes to please his girlfriend and do whatever it takes to avoid letting her down. The only problem is that they fail miserably. Despite admirable attempts to listen, take hints, and be caring and thoughtful, we just kind of suck at all of those things.

Women’s weaknesses in a relationship come from their lofty expectations, passive-aggressive war tactics, and cryptic forms of communication. However, their strengths lie in the fact that they get to set the expectations, they are incapable of losing arguments, and ability to control their boyfriend’s actions by withholding sexy-time.

Boys 3. Girls 3. 

The Bible: 

Sorry ladies, but men kind of dominate this category. We got Jesus. We got Moses. We got Noah! We got Adam!! We got Abraham!!! We got all twelve disciples… Beeeyaaahhh!!!!

The girls counter with an MVP worthy performance by The Virgin Mary and a noteworthy showing from Eve, but they sadly come up short. Plus, we all know who sinned first… amiright?

Boys 4. Girls 3. 

Handwriting: 

Girls, with the exception of college professors, have impeccable handwriting. Men on the other hand have abysmal handwriting. Even in the increasingly paperless world we live in, people still have to write things down. In a classroom setting, a female student will be able to look back at her lecture notes and even share her notes with other classmates. Her male counterpart, will perhaps be able to look back at his own notes and read them, but when it comes time to share he will spend most of the time clarifying what he wrote. Example: “Is that a Q or an A?” “Is this a 0 or an 8?” “Is this word dividend or a drawing of a dog eating a candy cane?”

Boys 4. Girls 4. 

Cage Fighting:

Whoa… didn’t expect this to be a category did ya? But bear with me, it illustrates a point. Men are given a clear physical advantage in the “cage fighting” category. They are bigger, stronger, faster and typically more competitive. In a society where winners and losers were determined by the outcome and nothing more, men would dominate this category. But sadly we don’t live in a society like that.

Women gain their advantage in cage fighting by creating an unwinnable contest for their male opponents. If a man wins a cage fight against a woman, it does not make him look good. In fact, it makes him look quite despicable in the eyes of his peers because only a jerk would beat the crap out of a girl. And, if a woman beats a man in a cage fight, she is a hero in the eyes of her peers and has succeeded in publicly shaming her opponent. Therefor, a cage fight between a man and woman, presents a lose-lose outcome for men and a win-win outcome for women.

Boys 4. Girls 5. 

Manual Labor:

Typically, it is the men who do the majority of the manual labor. We lift the heavy stuff. We fix the fences. We build sheds. We know how to operate a jackhammer. We can look at a car engine and immediately know what is wrong with it…. or so I’m told.

Women have men do their manual labor for them. Obviously, that is a better gig.

Boys 4. Girls 6. 

Friendship:

From what I have observed, women tend to have around 3 friends. I’m not talking about acquaintances or people that you talk to on facebook, I am talking about people who you spend your time with, share your secrets with, and would basically consider part of your family. Those are the kinds of friends I am talking about, and of this particular kind of friend, girls have around 3. Usually, one of the four girls in the group is secretly hated by the other three, and is mercilessly ridiculed behind her back.  One advantage that girls have is that the interactions within their friend group are overwhelmingly positive and supportive.

Men seem to have no cap on the amount of friends they can have. Although, unlike women, the interactions within a friend group are almost exclusively insulting. The result is that when a guy actually compliments one of his friends, it is received with suspicion and a barrage of homophobic responses. However, at the end of the day, most guys would defend their friends against any army and would put a friends life before just about anything.

Boys 5. Girls 6. 

Personal Care & Hygiene:

Although women seem to be generally cleaner than men, it comes at a much higher cost. For a man to be clean, he will take a shower, brush his teeth, and put on deodorant. He might shave, but some men can get away without doing that.

A women has do all of those things, plus shave their legs, straighten/curl their hair, shape their eyebrows, put on makeup, take showers that inexplicably last for 45 minutes, paint their nails, put on jewelry… etc. So, women definitely end up looking better, but men have managed to set the bar so ridiculously low, awarding them the point.

Boys 6. Girls 6. 

Originally I was only going to have twelve categories, but obviously I can’t end this contest in a tie. In a debate of this magnitude there are very few satisfactory tie-breakers. However, because the topic of this debate is boiled down to which gender is better at being people, the only way this can end is a seven round, seven heavenly virtues, shootout extravaganza. So, according to the epic poem The Contest of the Soul, by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius, and confirmed on Wikipedia, The Seven Heavenly Virtues consist of: Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility. For the sake of word count we will do this rapid fire, with a quick refresher on what those words actually mean.

1. Chastity: Purity and discretion of sexual conduct. Boys 6. Girls 7. 

2. Temperance: Moderation and constant mindfulness of others. Boys 6. Girls 8. 

3. Charity: Generosity and self-sacrifice. Boys 7. Girls 8. 

4. Diligence: Careful nature in one’s actions while upholding one’s convictions at all times. Boys 7. Girls 9. 

5. Patience: Endurance through moderation, resolving conflicts peacefully as opposed to violently. Boys 7. Girls 10. 

6. Kindness: Compassion for its own sake. Trust without prejudice or resentment. Boys 8. Girls 10. 

7. Humility. The courage to take on tedious or unglamorous tasks, while refraining from despair. Boys 9. Girls 10. 

So, at the risk of further offending every reader, and losing all my friends, I present to you your champion. Girls!

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Throughout human history, there have been countless cases of a small minority of people ruining something great for everyone else. We see it all the time, but there was one recent example that compelled me to write this post. It came about when a full-size, one ton pickup truck pulled up next to me at a red light. The truck was comically large and probably had enough towing power to transport the Statue of Liberty. A passenger in my car, who shall remain nameless, said, in reference to the truck, “He must be compensating for something.”

We all laughed at this comment, but it sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Just because this man drove an enormous pick up truck did not mean that he was using it to compensate for his lack of size or girth in other areas of his life. Maybe he just needed it for work, or he rented it to move some furniture into his new house. I felt bad for the man, and any other large pickup truck drivers who have been the subject of presumptuous claims about the correlation between automobile size and shortcomings regarding male genitalia. Sure there have probably been more than a few cases of Ford F-350 drivers who were anything but well-endowed using the trucks as a method of compensation, but does that mean that they should ruin it for everyone else?

This got me thinking about some other examples of perfectly good products and activities that we can’t utilize because people get the wrong idea. Allow me to share a few that I came up with…

Ski Masks

The ski mask is a prime example of a practical invention being ruined by a few bad-apples. Growing up in Minnesota, I learned that cold weather is not something to be taken lightly. In December and January, THIS YEAR, I must have heard about 30 state-wide announcements warning citizens that if our skin is exposed outdoors for more than 14 seconds, the only way to save our lives is to immediately amputate our entire faces. Okay, kind of an exaggeration, but still, the winters here ain’t no joke. 

Personally, I trudge through the streets of St. Paul wearing a winter hat, a jacket, a sweatshirt, gloves, glove-liners, long underwear, the warmest jeans I can find, wool socks and winter boots. And guess what America? I am still freezing my face off. Not a figure of speech, literally freezing my face off. Now, I know what you are thinking. Why don’t you just wear something that covers your face, like a ski mask? Well maybe it’s because, in this day and age, anyone who wears a ski mask is immediately presumed to be in the process of committing some type of heinous crime. 

Think about it. When is the last time you saw a person wearing a full-face ski mask and they weren’t trying to rob, rape or murder somebody? I would love to have been able to wear one when I walked to class this winter, but unfortunately, the full-face ski mask’s reputation for protecting my skin from the violent Minnesota weather is preceded only by its reputation for effectively concealing my identity while I hold up a Super America. Don’t believe me? Wear a ski mask to work tomorrow and see what happens.

It is truly unfair that because of the choice of wardrobe in a few dozen bank robberies, I am faced with the choice of being profiled as a criminal, or stage-5 frostbite. I say during this winter’s polar vortex, we take back the full-face ski mask. Who’s with me, Midwest?

 

Conversion Vans

Conversion Vans are large vans, often used for commercial distribution, but are sometimes used by the public for standard transportation. The advantages of conversion vans include durability, seating capacity and ample room for cargo. You know them as rape vans. That’s all I am going to say about that. 

 

Clowns 

Clowns are yet another example of a nice idea, gone horribly, horribly wrong. Dating all the way back to 2400 BC, clowning was done for the simple purpose of introducing some humor and joy to the otherwise miserable medieval existence. They were invented to take peoples’ minds of the fact that they were poor, sick, starving, and didn’t have 4G wireless internet access. Their sole intention was to spread joy, but somewhere along the way, they changed from a source of comedy to giving off sort of a psychopathic serial killer/ nightmarish-evil-monster cannibal  type of vibe. I blame Stephen King. 

 

Chatroulette  

For those of you who do not know what Chatroulette is, it is a website that pairs two users at random for a webcam-based conversation. At any point in the conversation either user can simply click “next” and will be paired with another user at random. I like to belief the purpose of the website was to overcome geographical or socioeconomic barriers and create friendships and love connections that would otherwise be unlikely. The random nature of the video chats allowed for people from all woks of life to converse with anyone else, anywhere, at any time… It was beautiful. 

But, like most websites that are open to the public, Chatroulette was extremely susceptible to online sexual perversion. What was once an vitual melting pot of cultural diversity and social exploration, is now populated almost exclusively by deviant masturbaters. The result of this change in user base is that now, if you go on chatroulette, everyone automatically assumes you are a big weirdo.

 

Chainsaws

Chainsaws, at least within the city limits, have picked up somewhat of a bad rep. The innovation of chainsaws is undeniable. The power and functionality of a chainsaw deserves a profound respect, even from those who know almost nothing about them (like me). I am sure that chainsaws have revolutionized the construction and the Lumberjacking industry (I don’t actually know if lumberjacking is the name for that industry,I am a naive city kid, but you get it.). The problem is that I unintentionally overlook the marvelous engineering and innovation that went into the invention of chainsaws, and immediately jump to murder weapon. This may just be a personal issue for me, but when I happen upon a person using a chainsaw, no matter the context, I assess the situation using the following check-down process of elimination. 

1.  Is this a serial killer?   2. Is this a crazy redneck?   3. Is this a crazy redneck serial killer?   4. Am I in Texas, and is this a chainsaw massacre?   5. Something about Tony Montana from Scarface.   6.Is this a law-abiding, tax-paying American, who is simply doing some type of construction or yard work? 

See, the problem here is that despite all the good that chainsaws have done for the world, it only took a few bad apples to force me to reason passed five, dangerous, probably irrational, alternatives, before assuming the chainsaw user is just a regular, non-murderer, type person.

 

Father’s Day

To all the fathers and father figures out there, I wish you the happiest of Father’s Days. Becoming a dad is not always something you plan on, it’s not always something you want to be, and it’s certainly not the easiest of jobs. I was lucky enough to have been born to a father who is at the tippy-top of the A-list in the dad category… or dadegory. He has bestowed his wisdom, wonderful sense of humor and life savings onto me, and for that, I will spend my life trying to repay him.

I could write a loving, heart-felt essay about how my dad is exponentially cooler than your dad, but I think both of our time would be better spent elsewhere. Maybe you don’t feel as though your dad falls under that elite dadegory, but whether you have one dad, two dads… red dads or blue dads, I can assure you that you are luckier than a lot of children… both human or otherwise. So, in honor of the celebration of paternal love, I bring to you a list of the absolute worst dads in the business.

Cuckoo Birds

Cuckoo birds are some of the most immoral parental figures anyone could ask for. They have become famous for several reasons, one being those irritating cuckoo-clocks, and another being their bizarre and morally bankrupt breeding habits. Cuckoo birds are classified as brood parasites. For those of you who are not up on your zoology vocab words, brood parasites are organisms that manipulate hosts parents into raising their young. In even simpler terms, these sons-a-bitches lay their eggs in another bird’s nest, and then proceed to trick the other bird into raising their chicks as its own offspring. It seems like the other bird would quickly realize that one or more of its babies is an entirely different species, but I guess the Cuckoo birds bank on the fact that for the most part, birds are pretty dumb. Needless to say, Cuckoo birds do not make very good dads and they probably do not celebrate Father’s Day with the same enthusiasm as we do. Fun fact: The term cuckold, which refers to a man whose wife has taken a lover outside of the marriage, is actually derived from the nefarious breeding habits of the cuckoo bird.

 

Lions

With the exception of Mufasa, lions are some of the worst dads around. Once their cubs are born, male lions contribute basically nothing to their upbringing. They sit around in shaded areas while the mothers hunt, and provide for the family. If they were humans, they would be the kind of dads who sit in the garage drinking beer and watching sports center all day, while their wife works 3 jobs and goes to school in order to put food on the table, and once there is food there, he eats all the good stuff and leaves the scraps for mom and the kids. Most of us can probably agree that we wouldn’t want a lion as our father, but what you really, REALLY don’t want is a lion as your step-father. As worthless and lazy as daddy lions are, they are much worse when it comes to raising step-cubs. When a new lion takes over as head of the pride, (basically man of the house) he then proceeds to murder all the cubs who were born to the previous head of the pride. This is to avoid any potential competition, free up resources, and to allow him more opportunities to mate with the lionesses of the pride who no longer have to worry about their cubs. Despite the advantages of killing the step-children in cold blood, I think it’s safe to say that this is still kind of a dick-move by the King Of The Jungle.

 

Bears (Polar & Grizzly)

Despite being very solitary creatures, male bears will travel great lengths to mate and reproduce. However, once they impregnate a mamma bear, they get while the gettin’ is good. Abandoning your baby-mamma is pretty common among both the animal kingdom, and humans, but there is one major difference that makes papa-bear worse than your average absentee father. Not only does a Male bear skip out on child support payments, if it comes across a bear cub (even its own) it will kill and eat it. This violent, territorial, cannibalistic form of parenting is unanimously frowned-upon, and earns papa-bear a secure spot in the bad-dad-category… or badadegory (okay I might be reaching with that one). 

 

Assassin Bugs 

With such a good-natured name, it comes as a shock that Assassin Bugs are not up for the Father of the Year Award, but they too dabble in the art of killing and eating their own offspring. Assassin Bug dads are charged with the task of protecting their eggs from parasitic wasps, just as any good dad would, however they are known to snack on a few babies here and there. Protecting the nest can be exhausting work, and similar to carboloading before a marathon, Assassin Bugs will eat the eggs on the outer edges of the brood in order provide themselves with much needed nutrients. Eating the eggs on the outer edges of the brood is also a method of protecting the eggs in the center. And you thought your dad picked favorites…

 

With these dads in mind, I hope you have a greater appreciation for how great your dad is in comparison. Maybe your dad wasn’t there for you as much as you would hope for,  or he couldn’t afford to put you through college or buy you an Xbox, but hey… at least he didn’t kill you and eat you. Happy Father’s Day everyone!

College House

If you are planning on going to college, are currently in college, or went to college at some point in your life, I think you will be able to relate to this post. Throughout my higher education, I have lived in three different college houses, each one with varying degrees of mayhem. The first one I have extremely fond memories of. It was one of those houses where you have to wear shoes in the living room for fear of stepping on glass or dead bodies. It was, for all intents and purposes, a party house. It was complete with holes that were punched in the wall, a roof to sit on, and a wide assortment of couch people. Couch people, for the laymen, refers to a segment of people who chose not to live in their own house, but simply sleep on the couch at other people’s houses. They are typically male, and they typically like to party, but as long as you keep them fed they don’t cause much trouble.  But despite our running it into the ground, it was home and I had some of the best times of my life there.

The second house I lived at was about 15x nicer than the first one, probably due to the fact that I had two fewer roommates and we kept it very clean. It was fun, and I was able to impose my neat-freakiness onto the whole house, but it was quiet and a little boring. The house was very conducive to getting good grades, but we rarely went out and lived extremely far away from campus. All that being said, once I moved into my third college house, I would give anything to move back to that small quiet/boring house.

Some quick background on this house: It was likely built between 1814 and 1905. It is insulated about as well as swiss cheese. Its surrounding neighbors are primarily old ladies, who will not hesitate to alert the authorities when they see a car parked on the street after 8:30PM. The house’s floor-plan could be described as borderline insanity, featuring a bathroom that is the only entrance to the basement, as well as outlets that are strategically placed in useless locations and never where you would plug something in.  Now, that you have an idea of the background, allow me to walk you through a virtual tour of my third college house. ..

Let’s start with the upstairs bathroom. You will notice from this short video clip, that turning the doorknob does not actually turn the latch mechanism. This is a relatively new development in the post-apocalyptic wasteland I call home, and what it means is that nobody will be able to shut the bathroom door. I can already see good times ahead.

8sf4e

 

 

Now if you would kindly follow me downstairs to the living room you will find a wide assortment of strange and mysterious things. The first thing I would like to comment on are the objects in this photo. We have A) a belt B) some slippers C) an empty backpack (that doesn’t belong to any of the roommates) D) National Lampoons family Vacation (the case is empty) and E) a half drinkin’ Miller lite. And the winner for most concerning object on the living room floor goes to….. A) the belt.

photo 1

 

In addition to the strange and unexplainable objects, our living room is host to possibly the largest Red Dog shrine in the entire continental U.S. Now I can imagine what you are thinking, A) dope instagram filter and B) clearly that is about a decade’s worth of Red Dog consumption, but you are sadly mistaken. However, fear not Mom and future employers, it was a collection from a large gathering of which Red Dog was the unofficial sponsor, so its not like my three roommates and I casually threw back twelve hundred beers one afternoon.

 photo (6)

 

As we continue through the main level, you will find our spacious dining room. We have never actually eaten a meal at this table, although we have played a significant amount of beer-pong, which I actually prefer to eating dinner. This room is pretty standard for a college house other than one small detail. If you would direct your attention to the bottom left of this image, you will notice that there is a toaster oven on the floor. You may be wondering, why is there a toaster oven on the floor in the dining room? And to that, I will respond by saying, I have no fucking idea.

 photo 2

You may remember from the brief time we spent in the upstairs bathroom, that the door did not shut. Well, this is the other bathroom option in the house and the light has been burned out for the last month.This leaves me with two potty options, a door that doesn’t shut or doing my business while in total darkness. How many soon-to-be-graduated fully grown men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Apparently more than four.

photo 4

 

 

This door leads to the fourth bedroom, which is occupied by a fourth roommate. I have not seen, or heard from this fourth roommate in a few weeks and I am unsure if he is dead or alive. However, there isn’t any smell coming from under the door so I think that strongly supports the latter. In most houses, the occupants would know if any of their roommates had moved out, left the country or spontaneously combusted, but in a college house? Hey… Why not?

 photo (5)

 

I realize now that I made a mistake when I said my potty options were between the two previous bathrooms. There is in fact, a third toilet and this one is extra special. It lives in the basement and is surrounded by no barrier. This toilet is used almost exclusively by Samara, the evil demon/ghoul that lives in the basement. I typically do not try to use this toilet because Samara is kind of a territorial evil demon/ghoul and she gets upset when I use her toilet paper. She has yet to come upstairs and cast spells on us, or murder us, or whatever it is that evil demons/ghouls do, and I attribute that solely to the fact that I have not encroached on her personal restroom.

photo (4)

The moral of this story is that I am extremely excited to move out of this house and into a place with light bulbs, working doors and a general feeling of safety. For anyone reading this who has had experience with a college house, I hope you can relate somewhat to my every day life.  As for Samara, I hope she finds what she is looking for in the afterlife. Also, Samara, if you kidnapped my fourth roommate, then you should bring him back because he is probably falling behind in his schoolwork.

Über Facts

ÜberFacts, for those of you who don’t know, is a twitter handle that posts random facts about basically any topic under the sun. The handle is extremely entertaining and I thoroughly enjoy being a follower. There is however, just one problem with Über facts: Every once in awhile they post things that are simply not facts. For example, they may post something like, “Happy people tend to be richer,” this may be true, but it’s important to remember that correlation does not always mean causation. Plus, I think there is a good chance they flipped the variables around. A more reasonable claim would be that,”Rich people tend to be more happy.”

Another questionable style of fact that Überfacts commonly tweets are extremely specific and unbelievable statements that sound more like hearsay than a proven fact. Sure, they may be true, but I think they would be hard-pressed to find more than one credible source to back them up. These tweets would be something like, “The mayor of Key West, FL declared war against the US, surrendered after one minute, then applied for one billion dollars in foreign aid.” 

They also regularly tweet links to articles that are 100% opinions. For example, “15 movies with terrible endings” or “10 stupid school dress code rules”. You get the idea.

These facts that aren’t necessarily facts combined with a statistics and marketing research course started bringing out the cynic in me. Now, I no longer trust any of tweets from Überfacts. But don’t worry, there is good news. This has given me the opportunity to make up my own list of facts that seem remotely possible, but may or may not be true. Did you know…

  • High school cafeterias throw away an average of 15,000 gallons of ketchup each year.
  • Singing can increase your sperm count.
  • 3 out of 5 college professor have reported taking pictures of their students with their smart phones.
  • Drawing three-dimensional cubes in the margins of a notebook can reduce your risk of cancer by 10%.
  • In ancient Madagascar, women with blonde hair were called pissmops.
  • Mixing toothpaste with UV-blue causes the same reaction in the brain as smoking bath-salts.
  • Gullible spelled backwards is eblillug
  • Jar-Jar Binks is Arabic for “Snitches get stitches”
  • Steve Jobs came up with the idea for iPod after he ran out of room to hold his illegally pirated music downloads.
  • Due to contractual issues, In the 5th and 6th Harry Potter films, Harry Potter is actually played by Justin Timberlake wearing a Daniel Radcliffe mask.
  • In China, it is common to put soy sauce in sprite.
  • In 1907 a man contracted rabies from licking old newspapers.
  • It would take approximately 27 years to chew through a standard refrigerator door.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is not an attempt to slander Überfacts, in fact, (<<see what I did there) I am loyal follower and look forward to reading their tweets every morning. I am simply pointing out how easy it is to make up facts, and how important it is to get information from a credible source.

Patent Pending

With an impending graduation and no offer for a career-type-job with salary and benefits, my future remains uncertain and frankly, quite scary. However, recently I have made the decision to opt-out of a career of short-order cooking and “livin’ in a van down by the river” and decided to make my fortune the new-fashion way. Rather than work hard for my money, I will make millions of dollars from one or more of the following genius ideas:

Bottled Air

There is so much pollution in the air these days, especially in large urban areas, that it can be nearly impossible to get a breathe of fresh air. Well now, a clean and refreshing breathe is as easy as opening a bottle. Instead of breathing toxic air, like a poor person,  you can carry around your own personal bottle of fresh air. Whether you want the air from a crisp ocean breeze, a northern forest pine, or the wind from the top of a mountain, all you have to do is open up the top and breath in, and your lungs will be transported to a cabin in Northern Minnesota, a beach on the Almafi Coast, or a chair lift in the Swiss Alps. As a potential investor I can imagine you may be wondering, “why would anyone pay for air, when they can breath it for free?”  Well allow me to answer your question with a question, why would anyone pay for water when they can drink tap water for 1/100th of the cost? The answer is simple, because we are stupid Americans.

 

Rent-a-Ninja, Inc. 

This business model is simple really. Customer feels unsafe… customer rents a Ninja to protect them. Despite the fact that martial arts still exist, you rarely see ninjas in your day-to-day lives. I believe this to be because of a major job shortage for ninjas which left the vast majority of them unemployed. Rent-a-Ninja, Inc. will not only offer these unemployed ninjas a job, it will offer an effective security rental service to every day consumers. All you do is place an order for a ninja using our toll-free number (the Rent-a-Ninja mobile app is coming soon) explain the nature of your request, and a ninja will arrive at your location within the hour.

  • You are expecting a night time commute through The Bronx? There’s a ninja for that.
  • You drive a Mercedes Benz and you are afraid someone might break in? There’s a ninja for that.
  • You are getting picked on at your middle school? There’s a ninja for that. 
  • Your daughter and her friend were kidnapped in Europe and sold into white slavery? There’s a ninja for that. 
  • You are lonely and you just want someone to snuggle with? There’s a ninja for that. (Rent-a-Ninja does not support the use of services for the purpose of any illegal, immoral, romantic, sexual, or otherwise nefarious activity)

 

The App Closing App

Perhaps this is a problem that I alone face, but having my iPhone’s battery die 12 seconds after I unplug it is a reoccurring source of displeasure in my life. I had owned exclusively blackberries for about five years, so when I first got the iPhone, I was a virgin to the concept of Apps and Apple products in general. I loved the phone, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why it was dying so quickly, even when I was barely using it. Then, after raising my concern to my uncle, a long-time iPhone user, he took one look and explained to me that I have had 4,572 apps open since pretty much the first day. After calling me stupid, he then asked me why I had literally never closed any app I had opened, and how I could expect my phone to last all day when I have been running Apple Maps for 9 months strait. I responded to his questions in the following way. I had fully assumed that when I pressed the big button with the square, and whatever app I was using ceased to be visible on the screen, that meant that the app was closed. My assumption had clearly been wrong, and I learned that you have to click the big button with the square twice, and then you could go through and close all the apps you had opened. As useful as this app-closing revelation was, I still managed to forget to close the 4,572 apps and continue to do so today. So, without further adieu, I bring you this: The App Closing App. This app would be the only one you never close, and its only function will be actually closing an app when you click the big button with the frickin’ square on it. The result: longer battery life and a significant amount of dough in my pockets.

 

Mandaids

Whether you are a 9 year-old girl who fell off her bike, or a 215 pound Navy Seal who stubbed his toe on a guy he just killed, every once in awhile you bleed. While its okay for small children and woman-folk to cover their boo-boos with adhesive bandages, tough guys like you and me are ridiculed and emasculated when we use them. Quick riddle: How do you solve a major social injustice while you simultaneously invest in a sure-fire start up business? Answer: Mandaids. These adhesive bandages allow men to protect their open cuts and lacerations while avoiding the humiliation of  wearing a Dora the Explorer Band-aid. The outer, visible side of the bandage will have pictures of things like severely infected knife wounds and road rash, so that the injury appears much worse to any potential critics and the user can heal without any criticism.

Imagine, while making copies of your expense reports, you give yourself a deep and painful paper cut. If you use the band-aids at the office, your coworker, Chad, will call you a pussy and then pretend to call the waaahhmbulence and all of your other coworkers will laugh at you, after which you will spend the rest of the afternoon quietly weeping in the men’s room about both your paper cut, and your loss of masculinity. Pretty humiliating right?  Well this time, imagine you cover up your paper cut with a Mandaid. Instead of looking like a “pussy”, your finger will look like you got it caught in a table-saw. That douche-bag Chad and all of your other coworkers will think you are such a bad-ass  because you A) own a table saw and B) didn’t even need to cover up your wound when you mangled your finger in it. Problem solved.   “Mandaids. The first bandage for tough guys”

 

Vulgar Emojis

As great as Emojis undoubtedly are, sometimes you simply cannot find one that encapsulates the emotion you want to express. Vulgar Emojis would offer its users a couple more pages of emoticon options, however, these particular emoticons will be vulgar, offensive and generally inappropriate. Examples include: A middle finger emoticon, a Helen Keller emoticon, a decapitated horse emoticon, a Hitler emoticon, and various emoticons murdering each other in creative but violent ways.

 

World’s Least Safe Minivan

This idea might have a few potential set backs, but allow me to explain. The product itself is a minivan, for the sake of this pitch, visualize a Honda Odyssey, but instead of earning the 2014 Top Safety Pick+ from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, it is ranked as the most dangerous car on the road. This minivan will basically just fold after colliding with pretty much anything. It will feature chain-link airbags that deploy with the force of a right-hook from boxing legend Mike Tyson, as well as a 99% window tint on all six windows (inside and out). The minivan will offer no shoulder-belted seat belts, side-mirrors or anti-lock breaks. Trial research has reported reoccurring incidences that include, but are not limited to:

  • Hit a pot-hole: the entire axle falls.
  • Get rear-ended: the engine explodes while the doors automatically lock.
  • A bird poops on the windshield: the two rear tires pop.
  • Park for too long: Van turns on and accelerates without warning or anyone in the driver seat.
  • Turn sharply: Chain-link airbags deploy causing blunt-force trauma, closed head injury and sometimes death.

Although market trend reports have suggested a consumer preference toward high safety ratings, this minivan will feature a negative 2-star safety rating, earning it the title of Motor Trends’ 2014 death-trap of the year. Now again, as a potential investor you may be wondering, What kind moron would purchase a van like this?  The answer to your question is Moms with multiple children (commonly referred to as Soccer Moms), and the reason why can be chalked up to basic self-handicapping. If you are unfamiliar with this term, it is defined as the process by which people avoid effort in the hopes of keeping failure from hurting self-esteem. One common form of this is alcoholism. People who experience early success will sometimes turn to alcohol so that if they begin to fail, they will be able to blame their alcoholism, or conversely, if they succeed people will say, “wow! they were able to do all that, even when they were drunk the whole time.” Another example would be a golfer who uses sub-par clubs (pun intended). This way they can either lose because of the clubs or win despite the clubs. The reason that this would apply to the dangerous minivan, is that our marketing communications strategy would provide soccer moms with an opportunity to satisfy their “esteem needs” according to Maslows’s hierarchy of needs. The objective will be to subtly explain the minivan’s self-handicapping function as a method of satisfying a sense of esteem for our target market. To do this, we will use taglines like “it’s not the car its the driver”, “Cars don’t save people, people save people” “The best bowlers in the world don’t need bumpers”. The proud owners of our van will be able to brag to the other moms who need to drive cars with high safety ratings. They will be able to say that they are the safest drivers, because they get all the kids safely to practice despite driving a car with a subzero safety rating. The producer of this minivan will enjoy the low manufacturing cost, as well as capitalize on my extensive and practical knowledge of consumer behavior.

 

Selfie Hat 

All of your friends want to know what you are doing at all times, no matter how boring or private. Of course your friends need to know when you are working out, or when you are at the club, or even when you are performing mundane household chores. And what better way to show them what you’re doing, than with a picture of your face while you’re doing it? But how many times has this happened to you?: You are at work and you are beginning to feel the boredom setting in. Suddenly, you receive a photo of your friend and her cat’s face with the caption, “hanging out with my kitty”. Clearly your next move is to snap an up-close photo of yourself bashfully pouting and to attach a caption that reads, “ugh…stuck at work”.  The problem is, all of your coworkers will see you taking the picture, which is, in most settings, socially unacceptable. Selfie Hat offers a simple solution to being able to casually and inconspicuously take a selfie.  The Selfie Hat is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a hat thats brim features a small, backwards facing camera lens. The camera connects wirelessly to your smart phone, tablet or computer device, and allows you to take high-definition photos of your face, and share them with your devoted fans. (Available in a variety of styles.)

 

Despite their ingenuity, these seven ideas are only pending at the USPTO, but there is no doubt in my mind that when they come to their senses, I will be granted exclusive rights to use and sell all seven ideas under U.S. Federal Law.  In other words, although these ideas are clearly just an attempt at humor and to poke fun at how irrational consumers are, and obviously not serious suggestions, you should not try to steal them.

R.A.P.

Rhythm Assisted Poetry 

October 8, 2002. The day that Rhythm Assisted Poetry gave way to Retards Advertised Profitably. October 8th, 2002: The official release date of lil’ Jon and The East Side Boyz’s album, Kings of Crunk. Now I know what you are thinking, you bought that CD just like everyone else you hypocrite, and you are right. “Get Low” was a smash hit and I will still sing along every time I hear it. The only reason I place so much blame on little Jonathon is that after this album, people started realizing that fame and fortune was attainable without any talent, as long as you had a cool beat and somebody shouting affirmative interjections in the background. After “The Kings of Crunk” rap started becoming what it is today and ladies and gentleman it is not pretty. Somehow the lyrics have gone from  true stories of overcoming poverty, east and west coast battles and deep personal confessions, to money, lies, big-booty-hoes, and nonsensical phrases that kind of rhyme with the N-word.  Here are some of my personal favorite rap lyrics: 

“Love is evil, spell it backwards, I’ll show ya.” Eminem 

  E-V-O-L…. what’s that spell? Evol. For those of you interested Evol is actually an all-girl pop group… from South Korea. Now I may be in the minority here, but the new Eminem just doesn’t do it for me, and the worst part is that he is still one of the best. This is likely a textbook case of playing at the level of your competition, because in the 90’s and 2000’s Eminem was a genius… now he just sounds like a white lil’ Wayne.  

“I exchange V-cards with the retards”- Mack Maine

To steal a line from my boy, Lil’ Jon, uhhhhhWHAAAAAAT!!??      

“Clap clap clap for my money
Clap clap clap if you count money
Clap clap clap throw some money
Slap her in the booty, with some money
(Flocka Waka Flocka Waka)”

“That’s that white clear shit, I don’t fear shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m my CEO shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m a artist with a artist, and his single hard as mine, that’s real shit” -Walka Flocka Flame

Mr. Flocka teaches us that believe it or not, money rhymes with money, and shit rhymes with shit… no matter how many times you say it.

“Bandz a make her dance”- Juicy J

Schoolz a make you smart.    

“As the sun rotates and Pit gets bigger
And more countries in the world like Hitler
Commando bomb, double 0, 3, 0, 5
AKA Mr. Worldwide, ha ha ha”

“Now watch him make a movie like Albert Hitchcock” – Pitbull

Who the fuck is Albert Hitchcock?  A quick test to make sure you are listening to a Pitbull song is to ask yourself the following questions: Does he randomly say “Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305 and Dale” about 26 times? Does he arbitrarily shout the names of densely populated cities? Does he say nonsensical things that sound inspirational at first, but are actually meaningless and stupid? If so, there is a good chance you are listening to mistah worldwide himself. 

“I don’t have no trouble with you fuckin’ me, but I got a little problem wit’ you not fuckin’ me” -Old Dirty Bastard

WU-TANG! 

“Boy, I’m cock-a-manian
The most zaniest, insaniant
Pulling up in Merced-iance
Rolling up like I’m Damian
I love girls that’s Arabian, Albanian, caucasian
I ride around gettin cranium cause my dick is hard as titanium”

“Ok I say that shit again, I said it once before
I just, I just, I just, I just want it all
I glisten and shine with miss’s fine model chick,
Big behind, bad enough to skip the line” -Big Sean

Big Sean teaches us that it is possible to throw together a hit song with a tenuous grasp of the English language,  provided you are able to just kind of make up words… Hell, they don’t even have to rhyme. 

They know who I be, cuz my name on my clothes”- Soulja Boy

Fun fact, Soulja boy did come out with his own line of clothing in 2008. Unfortunately, the song this is quoted from came out in 2007. So in other words Soulja boy was just writing his name on some shirts. 

“They ask me what I do and who I do it for
And how I come up with this shit up in the studio
All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe”

“She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty”

“Her pussy’s so good I bought her a pet
Anyway, every day I’m trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under “Big Booty”

2 Chainz is probably most famous for his obsession with prostitutes who have larger than average Gluteal muscles. Also, in what ass-backwards universe do the words “FOR” and “STUDIO” rhyme? 

“I live by two words: Fuck you, Pay me”- Kanye West 

I counted four words there… but hey I was never much of a mathematician.