Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper of CNN, which i’m now obligated by law to say is fake news. We would like to welcome you to University of Phoenix for the first presidential debate between President Donald Trump and seventeen-time world wrestling champion Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson. Tonight’s debate will be a town hall format which gives voters the chance to ask the candidates questions directly. Both candidates will have two minutes to answer each question. We would like to ask that— you know what? F** it. Clearly the whole world has lost its damn mind, so do whatever the hell you want. Here are your candidates. President Trump, the first question is directed to you and comes from Gina Franklin. Gina?
Franklin: Thank you. These last four years have been defined by political distrust, impropriety and turmoil. How do you plan to fix that during your presidency.
Trump: So, let me say this, let me tell you first of all, these questions are supposed to be unbiased and clearly this is a person who watches fake news and buys in to the liberal agenda, who doesn’t support the truth. Let me ask you this. Where do you get your news from, Gina?
Cooper: Mr. Trump, please just ans—
Trump: I’ll tell you, you see what I’m saying? She probably watches CNN. My answer to your question, which I shouldn’t even have to be answering, but I will anyway, is that the last four years have been a tremendous success. We have solved the crisis in the Middle East, we have ISIS on their heels, we have more jobs here in the United States than we ever did under the Obama administration, health care prices have dropped astronomically and we have begun construction on the wall. So when you ask me about political turmoil, I see that as nothing but words, when I have provided tremendous actions with huge results.
Cooper: To be clear, Mr. Trump, the crisis in the Middle East is far from solved, there have been no documented changes in ISIS activity and fewer than 60% of American citizens are able to afford health insurance.
Trump: Here we go again, Anderson. Why don’t we let my opponent, who has no political experience answer that question?
Cooper: (taking pull from fifth of Jack Daniels) Sure. Go ahead, The Rock.
Johnson: First of all, Gina, that is just an awesome question. Thank you guys all so much for the support you’ve shown me. As president, I will make it my job to listen to the American people, and do everything in my power to T.C.O.B. that’s take care of business. I’m a guy who busts his ass early in the morning working out everyday, and I’ll bring a new energy and new positive vibes to the white house. These last four years you’ve had leadership that’s lied to you, that’s ignored you that’s—
Johnson: —That’s spread hate.
Johnson: And the American people—
Johnson: (raises eyebrow at Donald Trump) —And the American People deserve a leader that can be honest and can be held responsible for his actions. Less talkin’ more rockin’. (Finger guns)
Cooper: Thank you… The Rock. Our next question comes from Steve Conan. Go ahead Steve.
Conan: America is completely divided on almost every issue and this has been a catalyst for hateful rhetoric, violent protests, and even racism. How will you solve these issues, and unite us once again?
Cooper: The Rock, you may answer this one first.
Johnson: Steve, once again, awesome question, you really look like you work out, by the way. While my opponent grew up rich and inherited money from his father, I grew up poor and worked my way to the top. I have been a registered republican, and I have voted democrat. My allegiance isn’t with one party, but with the people. I’m literally made of the people, look. This is the people’s eyebrow. This is the people’s elbow. I, Kevin, am the people’s champ. Look at my opponent, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he looks like a big fat bowl of Fruity Pebbles.
Cooper: (spit takes Jack Daniels)
Johnson: What the people need is a strong leader. And who is stronger than me?
Trump: Can I talk now? Can I? Anderson, Can I?
Cooper: (loosening tie) Yep, we can’t wait.
Trump: When my opponent claims, that he will solve this violence that is plaguing the American people, who I love more than he does, he is lying to you. He says he doesn’t stand for hate, but this is a man who made his living off of violence. He is a professional wrestler, do you know what that means? That means that him and another man, and sometimes even a woman, will fight, and this is all true, you can quote me on this, they will fight in a ring in front of a crowd and he gets paid for it. Is that the message you want to send your children? That it’s okay to hit and to kick and to do the People’s Elbow? And do you know what else he’s not telling you? I know this because I have the top people briefing me, he want’s you to think that his wrestling is real, but in reality, and I’m not making this up, it’s not real. He’s acting, or more accurately, lying to each and every one of you. Is that the man you want leading a country that is, as Marvin said, divided? I don’t think so. SAD.
Cooper: So… should I? Or do you want to?
Johnson: I’ll take this one, Anderson. President Trump. Are you under the impression that educated American citizens believe—
Trump: And I’ll tell you what else. He claims to be this strong leader. But ask any top scientist, and I don’t mean fake, liberal, scientist. But ask any real, top scientist and he’ll tell you the human body is like a battery and exercising, as much as this man does, is-just-is-you- It’s-just-it’s bad for you. You wan’t a president who’s going in for knee surgery after every time he travels because he drained his body? No.
Johnson: So you think you’re stronger than me?
Trump: I know, I’m stronger than you. I’m smarter than you. I’m more successful than you. And I’m a better president than you. Ask everyone.
Cooper: For the record, you had one of the lowest approval ratings of any president, and Mr. Johnson, please keep your shirt on, I feel like I shouldn’t need to say that.
Johnson: (now in slacks and wife beater) Cooper, you better ask the next question before I pound this Jabroni.
Cooper: Great idea. This next question comes from Dan Carlson. Go ahead Dan.
Johnson: Actually, Coop, I have my own question.
Cooper: This isn’t the time for questions—
Johnson: And this question doesn’t concern Gina Franklin. It doesn’t concern Steve Conan.
Cooper: Mr. Johnson, please, you are slowing down the debate.
Trump: See, you let him keep talking but you cut me off, you owe the American People an apology. Losing—
Johnson: And this question doesn’t concern Anderson Cooper, and it doesn’t concern Dan Carlson. This is a question for you, Donald Trump. (rips microphone from podium) IF YOU SMELL-EL-EL-EL-L-L-L!!—
Cooper: Oh please God no.
Johnson: WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!? (Rips slacks off, revealing wrestling speedo underneath.)
(Johnson runs across stage and clotheslines President Trump. Secret Service rush the stage. Johnson begins hitting them with metal chair, while simultaneously stomping the ground to create the sound effect. Trump comes up behind him and hits him with a microphone. The blow does nothing but anger Johnson who grabs President Trump, inverts him, and pile-drives him through a folding table that no one had noticed on the stage. Anderson Cooper downs the rest of his fifth of whiskey and throws it into the crowd. Johnson, begins throwing elbow pads into the crowd. The crowd cheers for the people’s elbow. Johnson elbow drops President Trump on the stage.)
Cooper: There you have it folks (slurring his words). We’ll see you on October 10th, at the University of Michigan in Flint for the second presidential debate.