Boys and Girls

I’m sure that all of you have read numerous blog posts about the differences between men and women. I think we can all agree that the differences between us are far more complex than the presence or absence of a Y chromosome. The real issue here, and I am aware of how potentially offensive this may be, is which gender is better. I think this is an important thing to discuss. We watch the olympics to certify our athletic dominance over every other country. Don’t you think it would be upsetting to watch the olympics only to be told that although USA’s basketball team crushed Japan 120-56, the real difference was between the countries’ cultures? I sure do.

Let’s be clear. Because I am a man… not the manliest of men by any means, but a man nonetheless, some people might think there are some personal biases in my scoring system. That is 100% true. Everything I am about to say could be considered sexist, prejudice, misogynistic, maybe even demonizing (just learned that word today), or downright unfair. But guess what? This issue needs to be settled, so I don’t care.

Anyways,  I will be evaluating each gender on their ability to perform in a number of categories. These categories are not meant to favor any gender in particular, although in some cases, one is just better than the other. We will start, as most critical debates do, with drinking.

*Disclaimer* Nothing I write for the duration of this post will be politically correct. It is written with the intention of being humorous and entertaining, not to offend or to belittle anybody. I am hesitant to even post it, but I think all of us are mature enough to be able to laugh at ourselves once in awhile. Anyways, please don’t hate me.

Drinking:  Its no secret that men can drink more than women, at least in volume. In addition to being larger and more able to consume liquid in mass quantities, men are cursed with hubris and can easily convince themselves that they can/should drink their body weight in beer. This makes it so men will drink more than women whether they are able to or not. The hubris factor will also result in a few fights, and some unprecedented philandering.

On the other hand, a woman’s drinking ability can be evaluated on a curve. The origin of the curve would start at the first drink. A woman will be careful and have a map of their entire evening drawn out in their mind. If we are graphing, the coordinates of that first drink are (0,0). The next notable coordinate would be (3,3). That’s three drinks, three significant events. This is also the point where the curve  should stop, because after this, well…. shit rolls downhill.  At (6,6) the girl will have minor alcohol poisoning, have lost her best friend and have interviewed at least two candidates for a new best friend. At (8,8) it’s time to confiscate the cell phone, call a cab and call in sick the next day.

Boys 1. Girls 0. 

Locker Rooms:

I’ll wrap this one up quickly. Women’s locker rooms are full of naked pillow fights and girls helping other girls apply soap to the unreachable areas of their backs. I think we can all agree that that is 100% true.

Men’s locker rooms, on the other hand, are full of old men, who are way too comfortable in their skin, walking around naked, blow-drying their junk and invading the personal space of teenagers who are facing the wall and changing with their eyes closed.

Boys 1. Girls 1. 

Bathrooms: 

This one may come as a surprise to a lot of people… but not to those who have worked in the service industry. Although men are far more vocal about their bowel movements and restroom experiences, the girls’ restroom is just down right disgusting. The worst you will find in the men’s room is an un-flushed #2 and maybe the remnants of some bad aim, while in a girls bathroom you might just find every single bodily fluid… ever.

Boys 2. Girls 1. 

Sports:

I’m talking about actual sports, not sailing, cheer leading, air-hockey, baton twirling, fishing, and especially not dance. I will also begin by disputing the whole, “Dance is a sport” submission. Girls say that dance is a sport because it is hard and a lot of guys could not do it. This is true. Through a series of unfortunate events, I was forced to participate in a dance line routine, and it was quite difficult. However, the difficulty of a task does not determine it’s status as a sport. Calculus, throwing a tic-tac into a water bottle from 100 feet away, and  doing 1,000 push ups are also very difficult activities, and a lot of guys probably couldn’t do it, but the fact remains… they are not sports.

Here’s the deal… Men are better at sports. You might think I’m bias and that’s fine, but let’s compare the best NBA player to the best WMBA player. Let’s compare the best MLB player to the best softball player. Let’s compare the best NHL player to the best women’s hockey player. Let’s compare the best NFL player to the best… oh wait…

Boys 3. Girls 1. 

Outward Sexuality:

This has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is simply a matter of observation. Let’s compare the attributes of the male physique to that of the female. Men’s bodies are hard and hairy and full of tan lines and ingrown hairs. When men work hard they stink of body odor, and to top it all of, they have hairy butts.

The female physique is soft and curvy. Elegant and graceful. Smooth and hairless (typically). When women work hard their faces turn flushed and omit a warm glow… and in the words of my own girlfriend, “Girl’s have boobs.”

Boys 3. Girls 2. 

Dating:

Once in a relationship, men and women behave quite differently. A man’s strengths in a relationship are typically his loyalty and willingness to stand up for his girlfriend. A “good boyfriend” will do whatever it takes to please his girlfriend and do whatever it takes to avoid letting her down. The only problem is that they fail miserably. Despite admirable attempts to listen, take hints, and be caring and thoughtful, we just kind of suck at all of those things.

Women’s weaknesses in a relationship come from their lofty expectations, passive-aggressive war tactics, and cryptic forms of communication. However, their strengths lie in the fact that they get to set the expectations, they are incapable of losing arguments, and ability to control their boyfriend’s actions by withholding sexy-time.

Boys 3. Girls 3. 

The Bible: 

Sorry ladies, but men kind of dominate this category. We got Jesus. We got Moses. We got Noah! We got Adam!! We got Abraham!!! We got all twelve disciples… Beeeyaaahhh!!!!

The girls counter with an MVP worthy performance by The Virgin Mary and a noteworthy showing from Eve, but they sadly come up short. Plus, we all know who sinned first… amiright?

Boys 4. Girls 3. 

Handwriting: 

Girls, with the exception of college professors, have impeccable handwriting. Men on the other hand have abysmal handwriting. Even in the increasingly paperless world we live in, people still have to write things down. In a classroom setting, a female student will be able to look back at her lecture notes and even share her notes with other classmates. Her male counterpart, will perhaps be able to look back at his own notes and read them, but when it comes time to share he will spend most of the time clarifying what he wrote. Example: “Is that a Q or an A?” “Is this a 0 or an 8?” “Is this word dividend or a drawing of a dog eating a candy cane?”

Boys 4. Girls 4. 

Cage Fighting:

Whoa… didn’t expect this to be a category did ya? But bear with me, it illustrates a point. Men are given a clear physical advantage in the “cage fighting” category. They are bigger, stronger, faster and typically more competitive. In a society where winners and losers were determined by the outcome and nothing more, men would dominate this category. But sadly we don’t live in a society like that.

Women gain their advantage in cage fighting by creating an unwinnable contest for their male opponents. If a man wins a cage fight against a woman, it does not make him look good. In fact, it makes him look quite despicable in the eyes of his peers because only a jerk would beat the crap out of a girl. And, if a woman beats a man in a cage fight, she is a hero in the eyes of her peers and has succeeded in publicly shaming her opponent. Therefor, a cage fight between a man and woman, presents a lose-lose outcome for men and a win-win outcome for women.

Boys 4. Girls 5. 

Manual Labor:

Typically, it is the men who do the majority of the manual labor. We lift the heavy stuff. We fix the fences. We build sheds. We know how to operate a jackhammer. We can look at a car engine and immediately know what is wrong with it…. or so I’m told.

Women have men do their manual labor for them. Obviously, that is a better gig.

Boys 4. Girls 6. 

Friendship:

From what I have observed, women tend to have around 3 friends. I’m not talking about acquaintances or people that you talk to on facebook, I am talking about people who you spend your time with, share your secrets with, and would basically consider part of your family. Those are the kinds of friends I am talking about, and of this particular kind of friend, girls have around 3. Usually, one of the four girls in the group is secretly hated by the other three, and is mercilessly ridiculed behind her back.  One advantage that girls have is that the interactions within their friend group are overwhelmingly positive and supportive.

Men seem to have no cap on the amount of friends they can have. Although, unlike women, the interactions within a friend group are almost exclusively insulting. The result is that when a guy actually compliments one of his friends, it is received with suspicion and a barrage of homophobic responses. However, at the end of the day, most guys would defend their friends against any army and would put a friends life before just about anything.

Boys 5. Girls 6. 

Personal Care & Hygiene:

Although women seem to be generally cleaner than men, it comes at a much higher cost. For a man to be clean, he will take a shower, brush his teeth, and put on deodorant. He might shave, but some men can get away without doing that.

A women has do all of those things, plus shave their legs, straighten/curl their hair, shape their eyebrows, put on makeup, take showers that inexplicably last for 45 minutes, paint their nails, put on jewelry… etc. So, women definitely end up looking better, but men have managed to set the bar so ridiculously low, awarding them the point.

Boys 6. Girls 6. 

Originally I was only going to have twelve categories, but obviously I can’t end this contest in a tie. In a debate of this magnitude there are very few satisfactory tie-breakers. However, because the topic of this debate is boiled down to which gender is better at being people, the only way this can end is a seven round, seven heavenly virtues, shootout extravaganza. So, according to the epic poem The Contest of the Soul, by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius, and confirmed on Wikipedia, The Seven Heavenly Virtues consist of: Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility. For the sake of word count we will do this rapid fire, with a quick refresher on what those words actually mean.

1. Chastity: Purity and discretion of sexual conduct. Boys 6. Girls 7. 

2. Temperance: Moderation and constant mindfulness of others. Boys 6. Girls 8. 

3. Charity: Generosity and self-sacrifice. Boys 7. Girls 8. 

4. Diligence: Careful nature in one’s actions while upholding one’s convictions at all times. Boys 7. Girls 9. 

5. Patience: Endurance through moderation, resolving conflicts peacefully as opposed to violently. Boys 7. Girls 10. 

6. Kindness: Compassion for its own sake. Trust without prejudice or resentment. Boys 8. Girls 10. 

7. Humility. The courage to take on tedious or unglamorous tasks, while refraining from despair. Boys 9. Girls 10. 

So, at the risk of further offending every reader, and losing all my friends, I present to you your champion. Girls!

Bit Part

I would first like to apologize to anyone who has been checking my blog as of late, and found nothing new. I’ve been focusing my writing efforts elsewhere and  I have also been swamped watching netflix and eating chipotle. Okay, there’s your apology, let’s move passed it.

I would like to take a minute of your time to talk about the little people who have shaped the world… (not talking about midgets). The people I’m referring to are the bit parts that end up becoming famous in their own special ways. Oh, for those of you who don’t speak movie-nerd, a bit part is a role in which a character, with typically less than 5 lines, interacts with a main character. Their roles can be significant to the plot, or just throw away lines, but the point is they are not main characters, or even close. Side note: I’m not talking about extras, who are just in the background and are basically pointless.

1. Glen Coco. It should come as no surprise that the infamous Glen Coco, of Mean Girls, made the list. In about .7 seconds of screen time, Glen Coco won four candy cane grams, as well as the hearts of every basic white girl in America. You go Glen Coco!

2. Steven Glansberg. Poor Steven has no lines in Superbad, but has still managed to become the poster child for people who do any kind of activity completely alone. His character is portrayed as a young man who eats dessert by himself at whatever school Seth, Evan and Fogal attend. He is mentioned when Seth (Jonah Hill) says, “So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I’m fuckin’ Steven Glansberg?”  I like to think after graduation he went off to college and made tons of friends and never had to eat alone again… but hey i’m a glass-half-full kind of guy.

3. Dylan Toback. Also known as “the shusher” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the episode “the anti-social network”, Dennis is shushed by a stranger at a hip, new dive bar in Philly. Enraged, about being shushed so rudely, the gang sets out to find the perpetrator, but they end up following a trail of lies, gin bars and catfishers.

4. Boba Fett.  Probably kind of stretch to include Boba Fett in a list of bit parts, mostly because he is like the coolest character in Star Wars. However, he is a man of few words, awesome words, but few all the same, so he’s making the list. If you have anything to say about it, just remember, “You can run, but you’ll only die tired.”-Boba Fett (obviously).

5. Chris Gardocki. More commonly known as the guy who makes Will Farrell lick white dog shit in the movie Step Brothers. Mr. Gardocki has a small, but effective role in the film, and was the cause of one of my own personal favorite lines, “I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me… and now you lay this shit on me?”- Brennan Huff.

6. Rex. The name Rex may not ring bells for many of you, but he is personal hero of mine. You may remember him as the ultra-patriotic martial arts instructor from Napoleon Dynamite. In his scene he is wearing American flag, parachute pants, which begs the question: Would anybody want a roundhouse kick to the face while he’s wearing those bad boys? Forget about it. Oh, and don’t forget, “At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo.”

7. Dr. Delcavoli. You may not recognize this hero’s name, but you can go ahead and thank him for quite possibly the greatest 47 hours and 32 minutes of your life. Dr. Delcavoli is a renowned oncologist, known for his savvy, but not for offering services covered by major health insurance providers. However, the most important thing the good doctor ever did was oversee the treatment of a man named Walter White. Could you imagine a  version of Breaking Bad that had Walt dying of lung cancer after two seasons? Well thanks to Dr. Delcavoli you won’t have to. “Remember His Name.”

8.Reginald Ledoux.  *spoiler alert*. Reginald Ledoux is an absolutely terrifying character from the universe of True Detective. He is a primary suspect in the Dora Lange murder case, and during his short time on camera, is clearly up to some nefarious activities. His only lines are creepy incoherent rambling before Woody Harrelson basically just blows his head off. Personally, I thought Mr. Ledoux was a pretty awesome villain, but maybe that’s just me.

9. The Wicked Witch of the East.  We basically only see the bottoms of her shoes, but if not for her, the Wizard of Oz would have been an entirely different story. She was the tyrant responsible for enslaving the munchkins and  turning the Land of Oz into kind of a bummer. But, just like so many dictators before her, she was finally stopped when a teenage girl’s house landed on her. I think that’s how Joseph Stalin died too, but I’m not 100% sure.

10. Bonnie Grape.  Probably the butt of every yo’ momma joke for poor Gilbert Grape. Bonnie Grape is the morbidly obese, housebound mother in the 1993 film, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I’m not sure what the character breakdown was during the casting call for that role, but I imagine when Actress Darlene Cates was offered the role of the “fattest lady ever”, it probably stung a little bit. The good news is that the actress later lost some of the weight, I assume by eating exclusively subway sandwiches. Oh, by the way, if you haven’t seen this movie, you may be wondering if it was, in fact, Bonnie Grape who was Eating Gilbert Grape. The answer to your question is yes, but only metaphorically speaking.

Honorable Mention:

  • Squeeze Toy Aliens.   “The Claw.”    Toy Story.
  • Chazz Reinhold’s Mom.  (No lines)    Wedding Crashers.
  • Lunch Lady Serving Sloppy Joes.  “I know how you’s kids like ’em extra shloppy.”     Billy Madison
  • Creepy Shusher Lady.  “Shhh”     Shutter Island
  • Admiral Ackbar.  “It’s a trap!”     Return of the Jedi
  • J. Walter Weatherman.  “…And that’s why you always leave a note.”     Arrested Development
  • Jesus Quintana. “Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”     The Big Lebowski
  • The Gimp. “muffled nonsense.”     Pulp Fiction
  • Guy Who Likes To See Homos Naked. “Home is where you make it.”     Joe Dirt