Being quoted has to be an amazing feeling. To have your words echo through eternity and effect the lives of those who come across them, would be an exceptionally rewarding experience. I often like to speculate on whether these philosophers, celebrities, athletes and government officials spoke these words with the intention of them being quoted generations later by people who never even knew them. I also wonder how upsetting it would be to Einstein, Plato, Warhol, Jordan, Marilyn Monroe, and any other frequently quoted person to learn that their words of infinite wisdom were mostly being used by teenagers who quote them on their Facebook pages when they feel a little philosophical or down in the dumps.

Personally, I hope it does upset them. Personally, I think it’s bull-crap that those individuals with bonafide celebrity status have completely monopolized the quote market. Is this not America? Is this not a land of equal opportunity? It doesn’t seem fair to me that the incoherent ramblings of some nut-job like Marilyn Monroe can be quoted for eternity by misunderstood teenage girls, but my insightful quips and life-changing advice will fall upon deaf ears. Well, I plan to change this social injustice by simply quoting myself.

So, if you ever find yourself looking for some inspiration, or you need something to quote in order to effectively kick off your commencement speech at graduation, here are some quotes from the not quite as famous as he probably should be Jacob Guenther. (keep in mind that most of these are just me tweaking common sayings and quotes to be way more awesomer)

“There are very few things more glorious and more rewarding than watching the sun rise. One of them is sleeping in.” –Jacob Guenther 

“I’ve heard it said that the best things in life are free, but I disagree. You know what kinds of things costs exactly $0.00 plus tax? AIDS, Cancer, starving to death, being mauled by a grizzly bear, hypothermia, I could go all day. You know what kinds of things you have to pay for? ATVs, sweatshirts, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and a subscription to HBO.” –Jacob Guenther

“Sure, when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, but don’t get too comfortable with that notion. Because guess what, one day, life might just hand you a gator, and if you sit around trying to make Gatorade you might just get your leg bitten off.” –Jacob Guenther 

“Finish your dinner, there are starving kids in district 12.” – Jacob Guenther

“I never understood how people treat women as objects. What are people doing with objects these days?”-Jacob Guenther

“The early bird gets the worm, but the late bird gets half-off appetizers at Applebees.”- Jacob Guenther 

“Stop blaming illegal immigrants for taking American jobs. This is America, stupid, we don’t want to do those crappy jobs anyway.” – Jacob Guenther 

“If Jesus had been born in 1990 and started saying he was the son of God we would have just prescribed him some Adderall and told him to shut the hell up.” –Jacob Guenther

“There are two kinds of people in the world: Elton John fans and members of Al Qaeda.” –Jacob Guenther

“You can spend your whole life trying to be unique and original, but at the end of the day you are still just a hippie.” -Jacob Guenther