College House

If you are planning on going to college, are currently in college, or went to college at some point in your life, I think you will be able to relate to this post. Throughout my higher education, I have lived in three different college houses, each one with varying degrees of mayhem. The first one I have extremely fond memories of. It was one of those houses where you have to wear shoes in the living room for fear of stepping on glass or dead bodies. It was, for all intents and purposes, a party house. It was complete with holes that were punched in the wall, a roof to sit on, and a wide assortment of couch people. Couch people, for the laymen, refers to a segment of people who chose not to live in their own house, but simply sleep on the couch at other people’s houses. They are typically male, and they typically like to party, but as long as you keep them fed they don’t cause much trouble.  But despite our running it into the ground, it was home and I had some of the best times of my life there.

The second house I lived at was about 15x nicer than the first one, probably due to the fact that I had two fewer roommates and we kept it very clean. It was fun, and I was able to impose my neat-freakiness onto the whole house, but it was quiet and a little boring. The house was very conducive to getting good grades, but we rarely went out and lived extremely far away from campus. All that being said, once I moved into my third college house, I would give anything to move back to that small quiet/boring house.

Some quick background on this house: It was likely built between 1814 and 1905. It is insulated about as well as swiss cheese. Its surrounding neighbors are primarily old ladies, who will not hesitate to alert the authorities when they see a car parked on the street after 8:30PM. The house’s floor-plan could be described as borderline insanity, featuring a bathroom that is the only entrance to the basement, as well as outlets that are strategically placed in useless locations and never where you would plug something in.  Now, that you have an idea of the background, allow me to walk you through a virtual tour of my third college house. ..

Let’s start with the upstairs bathroom. You will notice from this short video clip, that turning the doorknob does not actually turn the latch mechanism. This is a relatively new development in the post-apocalyptic wasteland I call home, and what it means is that nobody will be able to shut the bathroom door. I can already see good times ahead.




Now if you would kindly follow me downstairs to the living room you will find a wide assortment of strange and mysterious things. The first thing I would like to comment on are the objects in this photo. We have A) a belt B) some slippers C) an empty backpack (that doesn’t belong to any of the roommates) D) National Lampoons family Vacation (the case is empty) and E) a half drinkin’ Miller lite. And the winner for most concerning object on the living room floor goes to….. A) the belt.

photo 1


In addition to the strange and unexplainable objects, our living room is host to possibly the largest Red Dog shrine in the entire continental U.S. Now I can imagine what you are thinking, A) dope instagram filter and B) clearly that is about a decade’s worth of Red Dog consumption, but you are sadly mistaken. However, fear not Mom and future employers, it was a collection from a large gathering of which Red Dog was the unofficial sponsor, so its not like my three roommates and I casually threw back twelve hundred beers one afternoon.

 photo (6)


As we continue through the main level, you will find our spacious dining room. We have never actually eaten a meal at this table, although we have played a significant amount of beer-pong, which I actually prefer to eating dinner. This room is pretty standard for a college house other than one small detail. If you would direct your attention to the bottom left of this image, you will notice that there is a toaster oven on the floor. You may be wondering, why is there a toaster oven on the floor in the dining room? And to that, I will respond by saying, I have no fucking idea.

 photo 2

You may remember from the brief time we spent in the upstairs bathroom, that the door did not shut. Well, this is the other bathroom option in the house and the light has been burned out for the last month.This leaves me with two potty options, a door that doesn’t shut or doing my business while in total darkness. How many soon-to-be-graduated fully grown men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Apparently more than four.

photo 4



This door leads to the fourth bedroom, which is occupied by a fourth roommate. I have not seen, or heard from this fourth roommate in a few weeks and I am unsure if he is dead or alive. However, there isn’t any smell coming from under the door so I think that strongly supports the latter. In most houses, the occupants would know if any of their roommates had moved out, left the country or spontaneously combusted, but in a college house? Hey… Why not?

 photo (5)


I realize now that I made a mistake when I said my potty options were between the two previous bathrooms. There is in fact, a third toilet and this one is extra special. It lives in the basement and is surrounded by no barrier. This toilet is used almost exclusively by Samara, the evil demon/ghoul that lives in the basement. I typically do not try to use this toilet because Samara is kind of a territorial evil demon/ghoul and she gets upset when I use her toilet paper. She has yet to come upstairs and cast spells on us, or murder us, or whatever it is that evil demons/ghouls do, and I attribute that solely to the fact that I have not encroached on her personal restroom.

photo (4)

The moral of this story is that I am extremely excited to move out of this house and into a place with light bulbs, working doors and a general feeling of safety. For anyone reading this who has had experience with a college house, I hope you can relate somewhat to my every day life.  As for Samara, I hope she finds what she is looking for in the afterlife. Also, Samara, if you kidnapped my fourth roommate, then you should bring him back because he is probably falling behind in his schoolwork.


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