Patent Pending

With an impending graduation and no offer for a career-type-job with salary and benefits, my future remains uncertain and frankly, quite scary. However, recently I have made the decision to opt-out of a career of short-order cooking and “livin’ in a van down by the river” and decided to make my fortune the new-fashion way. Rather than work hard for my money, I will make millions of dollars from one or more of the following genius ideas:

Bottled Air

There is so much pollution in the air these days, especially in large urban areas, that it can be nearly impossible to get a breathe of fresh air. Well now, a clean and refreshing breathe is as easy as opening a bottle. Instead of breathing toxic air, like a poor person,  you can carry around your own personal bottle of fresh air. Whether you want the air from a crisp ocean breeze, a northern forest pine, or the wind from the top of a mountain, all you have to do is open up the top and breath in, and your lungs will be transported to a cabin in Northern Minnesota, a beach on the Almafi Coast, or a chair lift in the Swiss Alps. As a potential investor I can imagine you may be wondering, “why would anyone pay for air, when they can breath it for free?”  Well allow me to answer your question with a question, why would anyone pay for water when they can drink tap water for 1/100th of the cost? The answer is simple, because we are stupid Americans.

 

Rent-a-Ninja, Inc. 

This business model is simple really. Customer feels unsafe… customer rents a Ninja to protect them. Despite the fact that martial arts still exist, you rarely see ninjas in your day-to-day lives. I believe this to be because of a major job shortage for ninjas which left the vast majority of them unemployed. Rent-a-Ninja, Inc. will not only offer these unemployed ninjas a job, it will offer an effective security rental service to every day consumers. All you do is place an order for a ninja using our toll-free number (the Rent-a-Ninja mobile app is coming soon) explain the nature of your request, and a ninja will arrive at your location within the hour.

  • You are expecting a night time commute through The Bronx? There’s a ninja for that.
  • You drive a Mercedes Benz and you are afraid someone might break in? There’s a ninja for that.
  • You are getting picked on at your middle school? There’s a ninja for that. 
  • Your daughter and her friend were kidnapped in Europe and sold into white slavery? There’s a ninja for that. 
  • You are lonely and you just want someone to snuggle with? There’s a ninja for that. (Rent-a-Ninja does not support the use of services for the purpose of any illegal, immoral, romantic, sexual, or otherwise nefarious activity)

 

The App Closing App

Perhaps this is a problem that I alone face, but having my iPhone’s battery die 12 seconds after I unplug it is a reoccurring source of displeasure in my life. I had owned exclusively blackberries for about five years, so when I first got the iPhone, I was a virgin to the concept of Apps and Apple products in general. I loved the phone, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why it was dying so quickly, even when I was barely using it. Then, after raising my concern to my uncle, a long-time iPhone user, he took one look and explained to me that I have had 4,572 apps open since pretty much the first day. After calling me stupid, he then asked me why I had literally never closed any app I had opened, and how I could expect my phone to last all day when I have been running Apple Maps for 9 months strait. I responded to his questions in the following way. I had fully assumed that when I pressed the big button with the square, and whatever app I was using ceased to be visible on the screen, that meant that the app was closed. My assumption had clearly been wrong, and I learned that you have to click the big button with the square twice, and then you could go through and close all the apps you had opened. As useful as this app-closing revelation was, I still managed to forget to close the 4,572 apps and continue to do so today. So, without further adieu, I bring you this: The App Closing App. This app would be the only one you never close, and its only function will be actually closing an app when you click the big button with the frickin’ square on it. The result: longer battery life and a significant amount of dough in my pockets.

 

Mandaids

Whether you are a 9 year-old girl who fell off her bike, or a 215 pound Navy Seal who stubbed his toe on a guy he just killed, every once in awhile you bleed. While its okay for small children and woman-folk to cover their boo-boos with adhesive bandages, tough guys like you and me are ridiculed and emasculated when we use them. Quick riddle: How do you solve a major social injustice while you simultaneously invest in a sure-fire start up business? Answer: Mandaids. These adhesive bandages allow men to protect their open cuts and lacerations while avoiding the humiliation of  wearing a Dora the Explorer Band-aid. The outer, visible side of the bandage will have pictures of things like severely infected knife wounds and road rash, so that the injury appears much worse to any potential critics and the user can heal without any criticism.

Imagine, while making copies of your expense reports, you give yourself a deep and painful paper cut. If you use the band-aids at the office, your coworker, Chad, will call you a pussy and then pretend to call the waaahhmbulence and all of your other coworkers will laugh at you, after which you will spend the rest of the afternoon quietly weeping in the men’s room about both your paper cut, and your loss of masculinity. Pretty humiliating right?  Well this time, imagine you cover up your paper cut with a Mandaid. Instead of looking like a “pussy”, your finger will look like you got it caught in a table-saw. That douche-bag Chad and all of your other coworkers will think you are such a bad-ass  because you A) own a table saw and B) didn’t even need to cover up your wound when you mangled your finger in it. Problem solved.   “Mandaids. The first bandage for tough guys”

 

Vulgar Emojis

As great as Emojis undoubtedly are, sometimes you simply cannot find one that encapsulates the emotion you want to express. Vulgar Emojis would offer its users a couple more pages of emoticon options, however, these particular emoticons will be vulgar, offensive and generally inappropriate. Examples include: A middle finger emoticon, a Helen Keller emoticon, a decapitated horse emoticon, a Hitler emoticon, and various emoticons murdering each other in creative but violent ways.

 

World’s Least Safe Minivan

This idea might have a few potential set backs, but allow me to explain. The product itself is a minivan, for the sake of this pitch, visualize a Honda Odyssey, but instead of earning the 2014 Top Safety Pick+ from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, it is ranked as the most dangerous car on the road. This minivan will basically just fold after colliding with pretty much anything. It will feature chain-link airbags that deploy with the force of a right-hook from boxing legend Mike Tyson, as well as a 99% window tint on all six windows (inside and out). The minivan will offer no shoulder-belted seat belts, side-mirrors or anti-lock breaks. Trial research has reported reoccurring incidences that include, but are not limited to:

  • Hit a pot-hole: the entire axle falls.
  • Get rear-ended: the engine explodes while the doors automatically lock.
  • A bird poops on the windshield: the two rear tires pop.
  • Park for too long: Van turns on and accelerates without warning or anyone in the driver seat.
  • Turn sharply: Chain-link airbags deploy causing blunt-force trauma, closed head injury and sometimes death.

Although market trend reports have suggested a consumer preference toward high safety ratings, this minivan will feature a negative 2-star safety rating, earning it the title of Motor Trends’ 2014 death-trap of the year. Now again, as a potential investor you may be wondering, What kind moron would purchase a van like this?  The answer to your question is Moms with multiple children (commonly referred to as Soccer Moms), and the reason why can be chalked up to basic self-handicapping. If you are unfamiliar with this term, it is defined as the process by which people avoid effort in the hopes of keeping failure from hurting self-esteem. One common form of this is alcoholism. People who experience early success will sometimes turn to alcohol so that if they begin to fail, they will be able to blame their alcoholism, or conversely, if they succeed people will say, “wow! they were able to do all that, even when they were drunk the whole time.” Another example would be a golfer who uses sub-par clubs (pun intended). This way they can either lose because of the clubs or win despite the clubs. The reason that this would apply to the dangerous minivan, is that our marketing communications strategy would provide soccer moms with an opportunity to satisfy their “esteem needs” according to Maslows’s hierarchy of needs. The objective will be to subtly explain the minivan’s self-handicapping function as a method of satisfying a sense of esteem for our target market. To do this, we will use taglines like “it’s not the car its the driver”, “Cars don’t save people, people save people” “The best bowlers in the world don’t need bumpers”. The proud owners of our van will be able to brag to the other moms who need to drive cars with high safety ratings. They will be able to say that they are the safest drivers, because they get all the kids safely to practice despite driving a car with a subzero safety rating. The producer of this minivan will enjoy the low manufacturing cost, as well as capitalize on my extensive and practical knowledge of consumer behavior.

 

Selfie Hat 

All of your friends want to know what you are doing at all times, no matter how boring or private. Of course your friends need to know when you are working out, or when you are at the club, or even when you are performing mundane household chores. And what better way to show them what you’re doing, than with a picture of your face while you’re doing it? But how many times has this happened to you?: You are at work and you are beginning to feel the boredom setting in. Suddenly, you receive a photo of your friend and her cat’s face with the caption, “hanging out with my kitty”. Clearly your next move is to snap an up-close photo of yourself bashfully pouting and to attach a caption that reads, “ugh…stuck at work”.  The problem is, all of your coworkers will see you taking the picture, which is, in most settings, socially unacceptable. Selfie Hat offers a simple solution to being able to casually and inconspicuously take a selfie.  The Selfie Hat is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a hat thats brim features a small, backwards facing camera lens. The camera connects wirelessly to your smart phone, tablet or computer device, and allows you to take high-definition photos of your face, and share them with your devoted fans. (Available in a variety of styles.)

 

Despite their ingenuity, these seven ideas are only pending at the USPTO, but there is no doubt in my mind that when they come to their senses, I will be granted exclusive rights to use and sell all seven ideas under U.S. Federal Law.  In other words, although these ideas are clearly just an attempt at humor and to poke fun at how irrational consumers are, and obviously not serious suggestions, you should not try to steal them.

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