Rhythm Assisted Poetry 

October 8, 2002. The day that Rhythm Assisted Poetry gave way to Retards Advertised Profitably. October 8th, 2002: The official release date of lil’ Jon and The East Side Boyz’s album, Kings of Crunk. Now I know what you are thinking, you bought that CD just like everyone else you hypocrite, and you are right. “Get Low” was a smash hit and I will still sing along every time I hear it. The only reason I place so much blame on little Jonathon is that after this album, people started realizing that fame and fortune was attainable without any talent, as long as you had a cool beat and somebody shouting affirmative interjections in the background. After “The Kings of Crunk” rap started becoming what it is today and ladies and gentleman it is not pretty. Somehow the lyrics have gone from  true stories of overcoming poverty, east and west coast battles and deep personal confessions, to money, lies, big-booty-hoes, and nonsensical phrases that kind of rhyme with the N-word.  Here are some of my personal favorite rap lyrics: 

“Love is evil, spell it backwards, I’ll show ya.” Eminem 

  E-V-O-L…. what’s that spell? Evol. For those of you interested Evol is actually an all-girl pop group… from South Korea. Now I may be in the minority here, but the new Eminem just doesn’t do it for me, and the worst part is that he is still one of the best. This is likely a textbook case of playing at the level of your competition, because in the 90’s and 2000’s Eminem was a genius… now he just sounds like a white lil’ Wayne.  

“I exchange V-cards with the retards”- Mack Maine

To steal a line from my boy, Lil’ Jon, uhhhhhWHAAAAAAT!!??      

“Clap clap clap for my money
Clap clap clap if you count money
Clap clap clap throw some money
Slap her in the booty, with some money
(Flocka Waka Flocka Waka)”

“That’s that white clear shit, I don’t fear shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m my CEO shit (MONOPOLY)
I’m a artist with a artist, and his single hard as mine, that’s real shit” -Walka Flocka Flame

Mr. Flocka teaches us that believe it or not, money rhymes with money, and shit rhymes with shit… no matter how many times you say it.

“Bandz a make her dance”- Juicy J

Schoolz a make you smart.    

“As the sun rotates and Pit gets bigger
And more countries in the world like Hitler
Commando bomb, double 0, 3, 0, 5
AKA Mr. Worldwide, ha ha ha”

“Now watch him make a movie like Albert Hitchcock” – Pitbull

Who the fuck is Albert Hitchcock?  A quick test to make sure you are listening to a Pitbull song is to ask yourself the following questions: Does he randomly say “Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305 and Dale” about 26 times? Does he arbitrarily shout the names of densely populated cities? Does he say nonsensical things that sound inspirational at first, but are actually meaningless and stupid? If so, there is a good chance you are listening to mistah worldwide himself. 

“I don’t have no trouble with you fuckin’ me, but I got a little problem wit’ you not fuckin’ me” -Old Dirty Bastard


“Boy, I’m cock-a-manian
The most zaniest, insaniant
Pulling up in Merced-iance
Rolling up like I’m Damian
I love girls that’s Arabian, Albanian, caucasian
I ride around gettin cranium cause my dick is hard as titanium”

“Ok I say that shit again, I said it once before
I just, I just, I just, I just want it all
I glisten and shine with miss’s fine model chick,
Big behind, bad enough to skip the line” -Big Sean

Big Sean teaches us that it is possible to throw together a hit song with a tenuous grasp of the English language,  provided you are able to just kind of make up words… Hell, they don’t even have to rhyme. 

They know who I be, cuz my name on my clothes”- Soulja Boy

Fun fact, Soulja boy did come out with his own line of clothing in 2008. Unfortunately, the song this is quoted from came out in 2007. So in other words Soulja boy was just writing his name on some shirts. 

“They ask me what I do and who I do it for
And how I come up with this shit up in the studio
All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe”

“She got a big booty so I call her Big Booty”

“Her pussy’s so good I bought her a pet
Anyway, every day I’m trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under “Big Booty”

2 Chainz is probably most famous for his obsession with prostitutes who have larger than average Gluteal muscles. Also, in what ass-backwards universe do the words “FOR” and “STUDIO” rhyme? 

“I live by two words: Fuck you, Pay me”- Kanye West 

I counted four words there… but hey I was never much of a mathematician. 


One thought on “R.A.P.

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