Professional Crastination

If you are reading this, then I am sorry. This post will cover a random string of thoughts that will most likely lead you to believe I have Asperger’s. It is the stupidest thing I have ever written, but it is vastly superior to doing homework. Now that I got that off my chest, here is a list of things I would rather think about than my assignment… which is due tomorrow at 9:55 am:

  • How long could an average human being survive on a strict diet of Peeps and Four Loko?
  • Somewhere, be it in this dimension or another, there is a warehouse filled with missing socks and expired snapchats.
  • I wonder who the first person was to stand up in front of a crowd and just tell jokes. I also wonder why anyone came to the first stand-up comedy performance.
  • If walls could talk, they would probably tell a lot of people to wash their hands after using the toilet.
  • I bet Leonardo DiCaprio has never eaten at Tacobell.
  • Snorgasm– A word used to describe a disappointing sexual encounter. Your welcome English language.
  • If yoga pants survive the zombie apocalypse then it won’t be that bad.
  • If someone slips on an icy sidewalk and no one is there to laugh at them, is it still funny?
  • If Nikki Menage (or however you spell that) and Waka Flaka had a baby, then more people would be pro-choice.
  • Salmon – Verb. Vigorously slapping your hand back and forth between someones thighs, making a noise that sounds like what salmon sound like… I guess.
  • Two extremely underrated experiences are opening up a book to the correct page on the first try and double spacing an essay after you are finished writing it.
  • About 1% of Americans actually have Celiac Disease. Therefore, if you are in the other 99%, stop being gluten free, its super douchey.
  • My International Marketing Professor looks kind of like Larry David, but he is significantly less funny.
  • Golf and the tremendous 12 at Perkins are two things that I love, but also sometimes make me wish I were dead.
  • Ferbies.
  • I wish that I understood how airplanes work.
  • The fact that women who spend a lot of time together synchronize their menstrual cycles makes me think that magic is real.
  • If I could date a website I would date Netflix….. but I would totally cheat on it with Amazon sometimes.
  • If dodgeball was a high school sport, then I would have been on varsity. I will believe that until the day I die.
  • Girls always complain about how when men behave promiscuously they are held in high regard, but when women behave the same way they are called sluts. I personally think there exists a double standard that is far more unjust: the fact that when black people wear Loony Toons shirts they look cool, but when white people wear them they just look foolish.
  • Jack is the worst character on LOST.
  • The Hunger Games should actually exist and the tributes should be selected from a list of people who order at restaurants right before they are closed, and everyone involved with the shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant.
  •  Why is there a “P” at the start of pneumonia? In fact, what jackass decided that’s how pneumonia should be spelled?
  • Staring at a blank wall is boring. But, when you introduce some homework to the equation, staring at a blank wall is practically like watching your favorite movie.
  • I don’t care what anyone says,  I have the same respect for Sandra Bullock that I have for Jar-Jar Binks.
  • I think fortune cookies taste terrible, but I eat them anyways because I want my future to be predicted by a prophecy… like Frodo or Neo from The Matrix.
  • I think that The Wolf of Wall Street should have won best picture, but only because 12 Years a Slave gave me a considerable amount of white guilt.
  • I don’t think I was ever truly ready to make the switch from Myspace to Facebook.

 

If you somehow made it to the end of that list, then you are probably somehow dumber than you were beforehand. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day… I know I wont…. because I will be doing homework.

 

 

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