Professional Crastination

If you are reading this, then I am sorry. This post will cover a random string of thoughts that will most likely lead you to believe I have Asperger’s. It is the stupidest thing I have ever written, but it is vastly superior to doing homework. Now that I got that off my chest, here is a list of things I would rather think about than my assignment… which is due tomorrow at 9:55 am:

  • How long could an average human being survive on a strict diet of Peeps and Four Loko?
  • Somewhere, be it in this dimension or another, there is a warehouse filled with missing socks and expired snapchats.
  • I wonder who the first person was to stand up in front of a crowd and just tell jokes. I also wonder why anyone came to the first stand-up comedy performance.
  • If walls could talk, they would probably tell a lot of people to wash their hands after using the toilet.
  • I bet Leonardo DiCaprio has never eaten at Tacobell.
  • Snorgasm– A word used to describe a disappointing sexual encounter. Your welcome English language.
  • If yoga pants survive the zombie apocalypse then it won’t be that bad.
  • If someone slips on an icy sidewalk and no one is there to laugh at them, is it still funny?
  • If Nikki Menage (or however you spell that) and Waka Flaka had a baby, then more people would be pro-choice.
  • Salmon – Verb. Vigorously slapping your hand back and forth between someones thighs, making a noise that sounds like what salmon sound like… I guess.
  • Two extremely underrated experiences are opening up a book to the correct page on the first try and double spacing an essay after you are finished writing it.
  • About 1% of Americans actually have Celiac Disease. Therefore, if you are in the other 99%, stop being gluten free, its super douchey.
  • My International Marketing Professor looks kind of like Larry David, but he is significantly less funny.
  • Golf and the tremendous 12 at Perkins are two things that I love, but also sometimes make me wish I were dead.
  • Ferbies.
  • I wish that I understood how airplanes work.
  • The fact that women who spend a lot of time together synchronize their menstrual cycles makes me think that magic is real.
  • If I could date a website I would date Netflix….. but I would totally cheat on it with Amazon sometimes.
  • If dodgeball was a high school sport, then I would have been on varsity. I will believe that until the day I die.
  • Girls always complain about how when men behave promiscuously they are held in high regard, but when women behave the same way they are called sluts. I personally think there exists a double standard that is far more unjust: the fact that when black people wear Loony Toons shirts they look cool, but when white people wear them they just look foolish.
  • Jack is the worst character on LOST.
  • The Hunger Games should actually exist and the tributes should be selected from a list of people who order at restaurants right before they are closed, and everyone involved with the shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant.
  •  Why is there a “P” at the start of pneumonia? In fact, what jackass decided that’s how pneumonia should be spelled?
  • Staring at a blank wall is boring. But, when you introduce some homework to the equation, staring at a blank wall is practically like watching your favorite movie.
  • I don’t care what anyone says,  I have the same respect for Sandra Bullock that I have for Jar-Jar Binks.
  • I think fortune cookies taste terrible, but I eat them anyways because I want my future to be predicted by a prophecy… like Frodo or Neo from The Matrix.
  • I think that The Wolf of Wall Street should have won best picture, but only because 12 Years a Slave gave me a considerable amount of white guilt.
  • I don’t think I was ever truly ready to make the switch from Myspace to Facebook.


If you somehow made it to the end of that list, then you are probably somehow dumber than you were beforehand. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day… I know I wont…. because I will be doing homework.




Personality Quiz

The entire time I have been posting on this blog, all I have been doing is rambling on and on about myself. Seeing as how I am the 15th least interesting person on the planet, and in the interest of being a team-player, I have decided to write about you. I’m not going to write any stories about any one person in particular because A, that’s no fun and B, people get left out and its a mess. Instead, I will give you the opportunity to learn a little more about who you really are. After decades of social experiments and psychological research, I have compiled a list of open-ended, multiple-choice and would-you-rather personality quiz questions that will allow the quizee to truly reflect on what it is that makes them who they are. *Disclaimer: if any of the following questions offend you, then your personality probably sucks anyways and I recommend you toughen up for the real world.*

1. If you were a naughty word, which one would you be?


2. If you could whisper one sexually suggestive remark in Oprah Winfrey’s ear, without consequence, what would it be?


3. If kitchen appliances were self-aware and could talk, think, feel and love, which one would you date?


4. Would you rather hold hands with your celebrity crush, or win a $15 gift card to Applebees?


5. If you were toast would you:

A) be covered in Jelly?

B) be covered in Jam?

C) be used to make some type of sandwich?

D) be burnt because your toaster is offended by your answer to Question 3?


6. Would you rather eat a used tampon or a half-pound of human hair?


7.If you were a hotdog, what percentage beef would you be?


8. If you met actor Michael Peña would you address him using Tù, or the formal Usted?


9. Do the words “The Plaza” mean anything special to you?


10. If you were an item on the McDonald’s dollar menu, which one would you be?


11. Would you rather have two wooden peg-legs or have both your hands be replaced with hooks?


12. If you could rewrite the english dictionary how would you spell the word that is defined:

       Noun. “An opaque white or blueish-white liquid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals, serving for the nourishment of their young”

A) Malk

B) Milk

C) Melk


13. *For men* Would you rather have an extra nose where your penis is supposed to be, or an extra penis where your nose is supposed to be?


13. *For women* Would you rather date a guy who had an extra nose where his penis is supposed to be, or an extra penis where is nose is supposed to be?


14. Would you rather find out that your spouse of 20 years was a terrorist, or find out that he/she was a pedophile?


15. Have you ever referred to your relationship status as “between girlfriends/boyfriends”? 


 To Check out what your answers mean, follow the link