The Real World

T-minus two months until I graduate from St. Thomas with a B.A. and suddenly I am getting concerned. The whole time I’ve been here I have been warned about this “real world” and how different it will be from whatever world I currently live in, but I never really gave it much thought until I started comparing myself to what society would consider a “functioning adult”. After making these comparisons I came to the shocking realization that in order to succeed in the “real world”, I have to hit the switch and suddenly become an adult. Or in other words, “stop being a dinosaur and get a fucking job” So, here is the list of things I have to do in order to complete my metamorphosis into the adult version of myself.

Time to stop:

  1. Peeing outside
  2. Blasting music in the car
  3. Running up the stairs when I’m not in a hurry
  4. Pulling all-nighters
  5. Picking my nose
  6. Jagermeister
  7. Eating Kraft mac and cheese
  8. Playing slug-bug
  9. Playing video games
  10. Getting paid by the hour
  11. Drinking Mountain Dew
  12. Eating in bed
  13. Having a fast metabolism
  14. Saying “bro”
  15. Drinking out of the carton
  16. Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
  17. Playing beer pong
  18. Jumping on trampolines
  19. Drinking on my birthday
  20. Having bruises and scrapes
  21. Wearing backwards hats
  22. Cutting my own hair


And start: 

  1. Preferring expensive wine to Franzia
  2. Having more than one suit
  3. Thinking of vacations as an opportunity to read and hike and not binge-drink and get sunburned
  4. Having a 401K
  5. Thinking of the police as providing a useful service
  6. Talking about current events and having valuable opinions about them
  7. Going for walks as a form of exercise
  8. Being able to spell exercise on the first try
  9. Having actual accomplishments on my resume
  10. Using email as my primary communication channel
  11. Having the same signature every time
  12. Having bookshelves with books on them
  13. Going to the doctor when things are wrong with me
  14. Having “dress casual” mean a collared shirt under a sweater and not basketball shorts and a plain white tee
  15. Listening to talk radio
  16. Having a house phone
  17. Owning a briefcase
  18. Doing paperwork
  19. Paying for my own cellphone bill, Netflix account and health insurance
  20. Always having clean towels in the bathroom
  21. Becoming a Republican
  22.  Fixing things before they are broken instead of breaking things and fixing them just enough so the next person thinks they broke them.

Growing up I always thought of twenty two year olds as grown-ass-men, who were gainfully employed with mature interests. I always figured I would have my poop in a group a little more at this point, but in the process of writing this I realized I don’t want to rush to grow up. Who knows if I will change gradually or just wake up one day and be a well rounded adult member of the “real world”. Who knows if I will ever be able to resist the urge to shine people in the eyes with the reflection from my watch, or trip people when I walk up the stairs behind them. Who knows if I will ever wake up at 6am and eat breakfast at an actual kitchen table or tell someone I have to “move some money around”. What I do know is that I can’t waste my youth stressing about the future, we only get one chance at life and so I am going to make the most of my time in this world… real or otherwise.


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