The Real World

T-minus two months until I graduate from St. Thomas with a B.A. and suddenly I am getting concerned. The whole time I’ve been here I have been warned about this “real world” and how different it will be from whatever world I currently live in, but I never really gave it much thought until I started comparing myself to what society would consider a “functioning adult”. After making these comparisons I came to the shocking realization that in order to succeed in the “real world”, I have to hit the switch and suddenly become an adult. Or in other words, “stop being a dinosaur and get a fucking job” So, here is the list of things I have to do in order to complete my metamorphosis into the adult version of myself.

Time to stop:

  1. Peeing outside
  2. Blasting music in the car
  3. Running up the stairs when I’m not in a hurry
  4. Pulling all-nighters
  5. Picking my nose
  6. Jagermeister
  7. Eating Kraft mac and cheese
  8. Playing slug-bug
  9. Playing video games
  10. Getting paid by the hour
  11. Drinking Mountain Dew
  12. Eating in bed
  13. Having a fast metabolism
  14. Saying “bro”
  15. Drinking out of the carton
  16. Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
  17. Playing beer pong
  18. Jumping on trampolines
  19. Drinking on my birthday
  20. Having bruises and scrapes
  21. Wearing backwards hats
  22. Cutting my own hair


And start: 

  1. Preferring expensive wine to Franzia
  2. Having more than one suit
  3. Thinking of vacations as an opportunity to read and hike and not binge-drink and get sunburned
  4. Having a 401K
  5. Thinking of the police as providing a useful service
  6. Talking about current events and having valuable opinions about them
  7. Going for walks as a form of exercise
  8. Being able to spell exercise on the first try
  9. Having actual accomplishments on my resume
  10. Using email as my primary communication channel
  11. Having the same signature every time
  12. Having bookshelves with books on them
  13. Going to the doctor when things are wrong with me
  14. Having “dress casual” mean a collared shirt under a sweater and not basketball shorts and a plain white tee
  15. Listening to talk radio
  16. Having a house phone
  17. Owning a briefcase
  18. Doing paperwork
  19. Paying for my own cellphone bill, Netflix account and health insurance
  20. Always having clean towels in the bathroom
  21. Becoming a Republican
  22.  Fixing things before they are broken instead of breaking things and fixing them just enough so the next person thinks they broke them.

Growing up I always thought of twenty two year olds as grown-ass-men, who were gainfully employed with mature interests. I always figured I would have my poop in a group a little more at this point, but in the process of writing this I realized I don’t want to rush to grow up. Who knows if I will change gradually or just wake up one day and be a well rounded adult member of the “real world”. Who knows if I will ever be able to resist the urge to shine people in the eyes with the reflection from my watch, or trip people when I walk up the stairs behind them. Who knows if I will ever wake up at 6am and eat breakfast at an actual kitchen table or tell someone I have to “move some money around”. What I do know is that I can’t waste my youth stressing about the future, we only get one chance at life and so I am going to make the most of my time in this world… real or otherwise.


What is this Feeling?

What is this feeling? 
Like somehow she looks more incredible everyday which is probably why I catch myself secretly staring at her like she’s some girl I don’t even know. 
What is this feeling? 
Like when I picture her in my mind she’s walking trough the woods and animals and forest critters are just coming up to her and casually walking hand in hand with her. Such a weird image, but it keeps coming into my mind. Probably because she is so kind-hearted that even animals can tell. 
What is this feeling? 
Like she knows just how to position herself against my body so that I am unable to move, breath, wake up, or fall asleep. Like I’m stuck in some crazy world in between reality and a dream but I know with certainty there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. 
What is this feeling?
Like the second I realized I hurt her I felt so sick that I nearly vomited. There’s a scene from some crappy movie called the happening where a guy lays down underneath a riding mower and lets it run him over… I think I know what he felt like. 
What is this feeling?
Like when I make her smile I get a sense of pride. Like I added some beauty to the world as if I wrote a romantic poem or painted a breathtaking picture. When she smiles I swear the air somehow gets warmer and my heart swells with pride because I made her smile and she’s smiling at me. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I miss her when she leaves, even if its only for a day. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I have had a caterpillar in my stomach for the last twenty two  years and somehow it turned into a butterfly the first time she put her hand on my cheek and pressed her lips against mine. And like the butterfly is going crazy even as I write this now.
What is this feeling? 
Like she gives me incredible amounts of confidence while simultaneously making me tremble in fear. Like I have been searching for a girl like her for so long and now that I found her I am terrified to lose her. Like I am “the man” for “getting” her but in no universe do I deserve a girl like her.  
What is this feeling? 
Like her perfume lingers in my room for a few hours after she leaves and although the smell is new and foreign to my room it makes me feel like I am finally home. 
What is this feeling? 
Like I have the prettiest, sweetest, kindest, most creative, most bad-ass, warmest, funniest, most wonderful girlfriend ever and I cant wait to continue to feel the way she makes me feel. 

Next Year at the Oscars

The last two Academy Awards have been filled to the brim with exceptional films  and actors, but how will Hollywood maintain this standard of excellence without any new original ideas? How will the directors, writers and actors on the B and C list compete? What diversity will the protagonist of the best picture overcome? I invite you to an exclusive sneak preview about some ground breaking films that will be coming soon to a theater near you.

Citizen Kane in 3D. 

Digitally remastered to bring you the same excruciatingly boring plot for twice the price of admission. Now with ninety minutes of bonus footage.  Why not let a classic remain untouched? Because everything is better in 3D.

Finding Nemo 2: The Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill

Join Nemo, Dori, Marlin, the and the rest of the gang for a whole new adventure when Nemo’s spring break trip to the Gulf of Mexico takes an unexpected turn.

Mean Girls: The Untold Saga of Glen Coco

In this psychological thriller, Glen Coco, a sure winner of Spring Fling King, has the crown ripped unjustly from him and placed atop the head of his arch-nemesis, Shane Oman. Glen, distraught from the unprecedented loss, begins digging and uncovers a sinister student government conspiracy that stretches from the sexually active band geeks all the way to the plastics. Glen Coco will stop at nothing to restore his good name, but in a school where no one can be trusted and nothing is what it seems, how far is too far?

Spiderman Again

Same plot. Same Arachnid. Same drama. Totally different cast. Because coming up with new ideas is super hard.


From visionary director, Michael Bay, comes a blockbuster hit about Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson and his fight to save a densely populated North American city from a bunch of enormous robots/aliens. Recovering from the initial attack and completely out of ideas, the U.S. government turns to an ex-convict/survivalist/NASCAR driver and his smokin’ hot girlfriend for help. Will bazookas and huge muscles be enough to stop the robot/alien menace?        Yeah, probably.


The story of that rich dick-bag kid, Ethan Couch, who ran over those people with his car, and the lawyer that came up with the Affluenza (spoiled rotten) defense that got him off the hook. Starring Joffrey from Game of Thrones as Ethan Couch.

The Longest Ride

Another Nicholas Sparks book turned into a Valentine’s day date. Its going to be romantic. Its going to be depressing. Your girlfriend is going to want to see it.


Named after the best picture nomination it will undoubtedly receive, this fictional bio-pic tells the story of Oscar, a Gay-Jewish-Black-HIV positive- Slave/Holocaust survivor, who despite aging in reverse and having a terrible stutter, eventually grows up to be a victim in the 9/11 attacks. Starring Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence.