Advice About Girls And Relationships From A Guy Who Knows Nothing About Either

To start things, off let me just say that I am in no way an expert on the subject of girls and relationships. I am what people might call a hopeless romantic, with an enormous emphasis on the hopeless part.  However, I have loved and lost and been around the block and whatnot, so even though I am not an expert, my advice may have some benefit to you.

  • The best reason to buy someone flowers is no reason at all.

Why wait until valentines day when you will just be a big fat cliche? Get them flowers just because they deserve some.

  • Don’t be skimpy on the back massages.

Women are always sore, even if they don’t do physical labor or exercise. Plus its an excuse to get some girlfriend-sanctioned groping in so… win-win.

  • Don’t invade each others privacy

Reading your girlfriends texts or Facebook messages or whatever will never, under any circumstance end well for you. Best case scenario, you find nothing sketchy but then you end up feeling guilty about snooping around. Worst case scenario, you find out some stuff that will be devastating to your relationship.

  • Always say good night and good morning, even if it’s just a text 

Who doesn’t like to hear sweet dreams before bed, and wake up to a heartfelt good morning? Its comforting and it shows that you are thinking of them.

  • Pause the video games 

If your girl calls you while you are playing a video game, pause the game and answer it. If she texts you, its probably okay to wait, but don’t wait too long. If you are playing multiplayer, you may get some grief from your friends but if they can’t understand why you would pause a game to answer your girlfriends phone call it is likely that they do not have a girlfriend… and that is likely because they prioritize video games over female interaction. Your girlfriend should be more important, and the video games can wait…unless you are playing Grand Theft Auto 5…. then she can wait.

  • Tell them they are beautiful as much as possible. 

Even if you never forget they are beautiful, they somehow do. Also, beautiful is not enough. Crack open a thesaurus and use some new goddamn adjectives…. Gorgeous, Stunning, Lovely, Angelic… feel free to use those.

  • They are not going to tell you what they want, so stop waiting for that.

Girls don’t want to have to tell you what they want you to do, you should just know. I know it doesn’t seem rational or fair but its the way of the world. Besides, girls aren’t the only thing you have to learn to read non-verbally…Your dog doesn’t tell you what it wants either, you just have to stop being dumb and try to figure it out yourself. On second thought, don’t ever compare your girlfriend to a dog.

  • Remember that you can be right and still lose an argument.

A girl will never admit when she’s wrong. Sorry that was a generalization… Every girl except YOU will never admit when she’s wrong. Just understand that even if you don’t think it matters it obviously matters to her. Humility… look it up.

  • Learn to pass the tests. 

If you are surprised in any way that she said she was fine with something, she is NOT fine with it. Do not proceed to do whatever it was that she approved of,  It’s a test and you failed. Side-note: a text that says,  “okaaaay”, “Kayyy” or “K :)” means you are probably actually okay. A text that says “okay”, “OK”  or “K” means you’re fucked, so start apologizing immediately if not sooner.

  • Make food.

Keep a woman well fed and things just kind of work out better. If you can’t cook, LEARN, its the 21st century, we have google.

  • Be nice to her friends.

The vast majority of women care deeply about the opinions of their friends. They will probably only hear about the times you messed up and they will think you are a dick… Don’t give them anymore reason to think that.  Side-note: They might want you to set them up with one of your friends. If your friend is a player or you aren’t certain things won’t end badly with them. DON’T SET THEM UP. If it ends badly with them its going to end badly for you too.

  • Take her out and show her off.

As tempting as it is to stay twisted up like pretzels all day in your bed and watch Netflix, take it outside once in awhile. Girls get bored quickly so keep things interesting and be spontaneous.

  • Don’t take advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about. 

That includes me. I am just sharing my experiences and lessons I have learned in the hardest of ways, so don’t follow my words blindly. Your relationships are different than mine so read my impeccable words of wisdom and apply it to your own life.


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