Advice About Girls And Relationships From A Guy Who Knows Nothing About Either

To start things, off let me just say that I am in no way an expert on the subject of girls and relationships. I am what people might call a hopeless romantic, with an enormous emphasis on the hopeless part.  However, I have loved and lost and been around the block and whatnot, so even though I am not an expert, my advice may have some benefit to you.

  • The best reason to buy someone flowers is no reason at all.

Why wait until valentines day when you will just be a big fat cliche? Get them flowers just because they deserve some.

  • Don’t be skimpy on the back massages.

Women are always sore, even if they don’t do physical labor or exercise. Plus its an excuse to get some girlfriend-sanctioned groping in so… win-win.

  • Don’t invade each others privacy

Reading your girlfriends texts or Facebook messages or whatever will never, under any circumstance end well for you. Best case scenario, you find nothing sketchy but then you end up feeling guilty about snooping around. Worst case scenario, you find out some stuff that will be devastating to your relationship.

  • Always say good night and good morning, even if it’s just a text 

Who doesn’t like to hear sweet dreams before bed, and wake up to a heartfelt good morning? Its comforting and it shows that you are thinking of them.

  • Pause the video games 

If your girl calls you while you are playing a video game, pause the game and answer it. If she texts you, its probably okay to wait, but don’t wait too long. If you are playing multiplayer, you may get some grief from your friends but if they can’t understand why you would pause a game to answer your girlfriends phone call it is likely that they do not have a girlfriend… and that is likely because they prioritize video games over female interaction. Your girlfriend should be more important, and the video games can wait…unless you are playing Grand Theft Auto 5…. then she can wait.

  • Tell them they are beautiful as much as possible. 

Even if you never forget they are beautiful, they somehow do. Also, beautiful is not enough. Crack open a thesaurus and use some new goddamn adjectives…. Gorgeous, Stunning, Lovely, Angelic… feel free to use those.

  • They are not going to tell you what they want, so stop waiting for that.

Girls don’t want to have to tell you what they want you to do, you should just know. I know it doesn’t seem rational or fair but its the way of the world. Besides, girls aren’t the only thing you have to learn to read non-verbally…Your dog doesn’t tell you what it wants either, you just have to stop being dumb and try to figure it out yourself. On second thought, don’t ever compare your girlfriend to a dog.

  • Remember that you can be right and still lose an argument.

A girl will never admit when she’s wrong. Sorry that was a generalization… Every girl except YOU will never admit when she’s wrong. Just understand that even if you don’t think it matters it obviously matters to her. Humility… look it up.

  • Learn to pass the tests. 

If you are surprised in any way that she said she was fine with something, she is NOT fine with it. Do not proceed to do whatever it was that she approved of,  It’s a test and you failed. Side-note: a text that says,  “okaaaay”, “Kayyy” or “K :)” means you are probably actually okay. A text that says “okay”, “OK”  or “K” means you’re fucked, so start apologizing immediately if not sooner.

  • Make food.

Keep a woman well fed and things just kind of work out better. If you can’t cook, LEARN, its the 21st century, we have google.

  • Be nice to her friends.

The vast majority of women care deeply about the opinions of their friends. They will probably only hear about the times you messed up and they will think you are a dick… Don’t give them anymore reason to think that.  Side-note: They might want you to set them up with one of your friends. If your friend is a player or you aren’t certain things won’t end badly with them. DON’T SET THEM UP. If it ends badly with them its going to end badly for you too.

  • Take her out and show her off.

As tempting as it is to stay twisted up like pretzels all day in your bed and watch Netflix, take it outside once in awhile. Girls get bored quickly so keep things interesting and be spontaneous.

  • Don’t take advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about. 

That includes me. I am just sharing my experiences and lessons I have learned in the hardest of ways, so don’t follow my words blindly. Your relationships are different than mine so read my impeccable words of wisdom and apply it to your own life.


The Four Stages of Taco Bell

Stage One- Reasoning

During this stage you have realized that you as a consumer have a need and you have identified that need as hunger. You are searching for viable options, maybe make a snack at home, maybe wait  until the morning… or maybe hit the drive-thru at your nearest Taco Bell. Typically if you have even considered the Taco bell option, you have more than likely been abusing some controlled substances or your mind has been altered in some kind of way. Whatever the cause, something is hindering your ability to evaluate your options in a reasonable or rational way. You are likely in the car on the way home from somewhere, and you are likely not alone. Normally you would consider things like health benefits, your financial state, or even just what time it is, but then someone in the car utters the fateful words, “Should we swing by taco bell?” 

Stage Two- Submission

 Even if by some strange sequence of events you are in any state of mind to be making a decision, you have already reasoned with yourself and it is game over for you. You have  managed to convinced yourself that if you do not purchase and ingest 3,500 calories worth of beef, cheese, sour cream, dog meat and pink slime you will literally parish from starvation on the way home. Your car pulls up, you look at the menu, and it all just seems so tasty and so affordable. The vague adjectives the marketing geniuses use at taco bell HQ to describe the various items on the menu entice you. Beefy five layer burrito, cheesy gordita crunch, Doritos Loco taco, cheesy-crunchy-beefy-potatoey-crispy-chewy-zesty-grilled-stuffed-whatever-the-fuck, it all just sounds delicious. 

Stage Three- The Feast

You and your partners have somehow collectively ordered 27 burritos, 14 tacos, 5 Baja-blast Mountain dews and 9 miscellaneous food items that are unique to taco bell’s  menu. Your total bill is 8 bucks. Everyone instantly starts chowing down. The driver pulls over because it’s hard to eat Mexican food while driving and he squeezed the first beefy-five-layer-burrito too hard causing it to squirt cheese and sour cream on his jacket. There is no time to distribute each person’s order so there is one person holding the bags on his lap. Meat sweat drips out of your every pore as you shout to the bag-holder for more hot sauce and your next taco.With the car parked in some sketchy location, the occupants of your vehicle devour the meal until it is nothing but a sad memory. 

Stage Four- Guilt & Resentment 

Somehow you have gone from profound satisfaction, to a deep state of sadness and guilt. You have just eaten more than your fill of, what the FDA would not allow taco bell to call, beef. You feel the inside of your stomach judging you, as it attempts to digest what you so eagerly stuffed down your gullet. Although you have spent almost no money, you feel shame that you spent any amount of coin on this food, when you should have come home and eaten a PB&J. You ask yourself, “WHY?” and, “Who is to blame for this  madness?” but you have only yourself to blame. You might even swear off taco bell for life after the guilt and resentment you feel about what you have done, but you will be back….. they always come back. 

Killing Me Softly

For anyone who actually reads this, or read this (weird how read and read are two different tenses of the same word spelled the same huh?) Sorry I haven’t posted anything for awhile. Its not that I’ve been busy because, lets face it, I am on J-term. Its because I’ve been lazy and also because I have been dying slowly but in the best way possible. 

This is yet another post about the girl, who for now shall remain nameless, and the way that she is slowly killing me. In romance, just like in every other activity of the soul, the mortality rate is 100%. We all die, there just happens to be shameful and graceful ways to do it. Currently I am dying somewhere in between. The girl keeps me up all night. She is one of those people who doesn’t ever sleep at night. Not to be confused with an insomniac, because she does sleep, but she only sleeps between the hours of 4am and 2pm. Traditionally I have always been a morning person, so this sleeping pattern is what is slowly killing me. But the thing about it… about all the its she has or does… is that I fucking love it.

I may be a zombie during the day time, but I am truly alive during the crack-head hours of the night. We stay up late and talk and hold each other and despite the fact that it’s killing me, it makes me feel alive again. Somehow I’ve gotten back  the same youthful exuberance, I once had. The sparkle in my eye, if you will. The lust for life and romance and her. Normally being on an ass-backwards sleeping schedule would mean I was doing something bad, but I want to be good, and I want to be good for her. 

I want to show her off to everyone so that they can see what I see. To steal a line from Atmosphere, I want to make her smile just so I can sit and look at it. I want to take her to fancy places, even though I am poorer than the dirt in Detroit Michigan. I want to brag and show off how gorgeous she is, and how she somehow is out with me. But at the same time, I want to keep her a secret. I want to hide her in bed all day and count her freckles and feel the weight of her head on my chest.  I want to give her back massages, even though I am certain I enjoy giving them more than she enjoys getting them. I want to keep her a secret so that nobody better comes and steals her from me, as they so often do. 

I am starting to like the way the morning sounds sound different when you have been up all night. The sounds of people scraping the ice of their cars and the sounds of my roommates yelling at their dog are completely different when they are putting you to sleep rather than waking you up. Yes, this sleeping schedule is killing me softly and slowly, but dear God almighty I feel more alive than I have in a long time.