The Neurotic Hopeless-Romantic Playbook

Play One-Receiving a text message from the girl you like:

  • Open it .4 seconds after your phone vibrates when you see its her.
  • Feel a rush of excitement as if she professed her love for you, even if the text only says, “hey.”
  • Immediately type out the response you actually want to say, which is probably sweet and romantic, but completely uncalled for and disproportionate.
  •  Debate whether or not you should send it because responding in 2.2 seconds makes it seem like you have no life.
  • Don’t send it.
  • Actively try not to send the response for as long as possible but then convince yourself that you HAVE TO.
  • Re-read the draft of your original response.
  • Decide that what you said makes you sound ridiculous.
  • Respond with, “hey.”
  • Several texts later, send the original romantic but misplaced text message.
  • Wallow in your stupidity.

Play Two-Seeing a cute girl walk past you:

  • Smile at her
  • She smiles back
  • Continue walking
  • Tell yourself you should have said something because if you had, you might have hit it off and it might have started raining and you might have had to take shelter in a near-by coffee shop or movie theater and you might have kissed each other and you might have had a wildly romantic afternoon with her and that might make one killer-ass story to tell your kids one day.
  • Continue walking until you see another cute girl.
  • Rinse and repeat.

Play Three-Getting dumped:

  • Cry, or try super hard not to cry.
  • Go home and read every text or letter you two had ever exchanged, in an attempt to figure out what went wrong.
  • When you finish reading the texts, send her something desperate or something you think makes you sound cool and indifferent but actually makes you sound like a douche-bag.
  • She doesn’t text you back.
  • Completely swear off girls.
  • Decide that swearing off girls was a dumb plan and decide to be a player instead because you think that girls like assholes and being nice didn’t work out for you.
  • Contact a bunch of girls you talked to before you were in a relationship.
  • Realize that they are no longer interested because you have been in a relationship and obviously they moved on.
  • Go to the bar to pick up girls but end up sitting with your friends and making up excuses as to why you did not make anything resembling an attempt to communicate with a female.
  • Go home and text your ex-girlfriend something stupid.
  • Tell her you were drunk the next day and you didn’t mean whatever you said.
  • Completely give up on ever finding love.
  • Fall in love with the next girl you see.          (see play two)

Play four- Going on a date: 

  • Try to fit the words “I have a date tonight” into at least four conversations with four different people.
  • Ask a female friend what to wear, but then end up wearing what you were going to wear anyway.
  • Spend a tremendous amount of time and energy getting your hair to look like you spent no time on your hair.
  • Make your bed and clean your room because she might be coming back there later.
  • Sweat through the shirt you had originally picked out.
  • Put on the shirt that your female friend told you to wear. (it was a better choice anyway)
  • Brush your teeth.
  • Gargle mouth wash.
  • Practice laughing and smiling and making other random conversational faces in the mirror.
  • Notice that what was once a tiny outline of a blemish is now an enormous white head.
  • Tell yourself that you are ugly and even your own mom probably is embarrassed by you.
  • Tell yourself that you didn’t mean it and that this girl and any girl would be lucky to have you because you are smart and funny and you can give a hell of a back massage.
  • Think of a perfect opening line.
  • Blast encouraging music in the car the whole way there.
  • Realize you forgot a condom and convince yourself that you totally would have needed it.
  • Pick up your date.
  • Say your perfect opening line perfectly.
  • Have to repeat your opening line because she asked “what?” and this time totally butcher it.
  • Go on date.
  • Convince yourself that it is probably not even a date and she just wanted to grab a bite to eat, but doesn’t actually like you.
  • Spill something on your shirt.
  • Awkwardly force a hug at the end of your not-date.
  • Get back in your car.
  • Realize that you like her ten times more than you originally did.
  • Go home and stalk her via social media.
  • End up friend requesting her boyfriend.
  • Ask your dog if he still loves you.
  • Your dog ignores you and goes downstairs and poops in the dining room.

Play Five-Hearing the words “I love you” for the first time:

  • Remove heart from stomach.
  • Stare at her studying her face to see if she really meant it.
  • Think about how cool it is that you didn’t say it first this time.
  • Pause for too long.
  • She tells you its okay if you are not ready to say it.
  • Tell her that you are ready.
  • She doesn’t believe you.
  • Continue doing what you were doing prior to hearing her say that.
  • Be as distant as possible because your mind and heart are in a Sharknado.
  • Half way home realize what a complete idiot you are.
  • Make a borderline life-threatening U-turn on a busy street.
  • Go back to her house.
  • Call her and tell her to come outside.
  • Kiss her with all you have.
  • Tell her you loved her the second you met her and that you are sorry you didn’t say it earlier.
  • Be in love for awhile.
  • Plan the rest of your life with her in it.
  • Break up.                                                                 (see play three)
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