How I Exist

Well this girl, the one that keeps reappearing in these posts, has done something for me that no one else ever has. She wrote about me and as far as I can tell that is the greatest gift a person can give you. Only when reading about yourself through the eyes of someone else, can you truly exist. I realize of course that sounds ridiculous but hear me out…

My theory, being the weird atheist or whatever I am, is that we only truly exist through the eyes of other people. I guess an example that would be easy to recognize is the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. In this movie the protagonist debates offing himself, when he is confronted by an angel who shows him what the world would be like if he had never been born. Through this angelic acid trip of an idea, he is able to truly understand who he is by understanding what it would be like without him.

My way of explaining it might be more subject to argument but it has far less Angels in it. I say that we can only exist through other people. Imagine for a second that you did not exist. I think it would be pretty reasonable to say that some things might be different (like in It’s a Wonderful Life) but things would still happen and nobody would really care because they never knew the world with you in it. But now imagine that you do exist, but nobody else does. You are the only one and only thing around… it’s harder to imagine isn’t it? If there is no one and nothing else there, do you really even exist at all? I believe that it doesn’t matter what you believe about yourself, because the way you exist and the way that you make your mark on the world is through the impressions you leave on other people.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I am very thankful that she wrote about me and I was able to see how I exist in the eyes of someone other than myself. I would also like to thank the rest of the people who help me exist  and say a little something about them. I know in my very first post I said I would leave the past out of it but here you might accidentally find some historical events. lo siento…

Jeff- You are first person I would have ever considered to be my brother. I know that you have an actual brother, but I think maybe you feel the same way about me. You have been there for me for as long as I can remember. I admire your competitive spirit and how smart you are. You have challenged me throughout my entire life to be a better person and I don’t think you even realized it. You are vastly smarter than me, but I think we can find common ground over the fact that we both over-intellectualize everything which has made for some great conversations.We have gone through some pretty awful things together, when your father got sick in 3rd grade I knew I was supposed to be the one to talk you through it and offer you advice and all that, but I knew that nothing I could say would ever change anything substantial, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I just kept things normal. You came over every morning and we played video games and waited at the bus together. If I recall you were a lot more popular in elementary school than I was, so we ran with different crowds, but for all intents and purposes we were… we are family. You were the first person to ever just walk into my house without ringing a doorbell or calling ahead of time and I think that sums it up better than anything could. I will always think of you as family and I have a feeling I will die one day thinking of you as my brother.

Will- I think that you and I have one of the strongest bonds that two people can have. We both have almost identical senses of humor. Throughout our entire friendship you have made me laugh infinitely more than anyone I know. You are another person I consider to be a member of my family, like a brother or relative that I never want to lose touch with. You are honest with everyone you meet, including me and you are one of my personal heroes. I think that any amount of my personality that people would consider outgoing, I got from you. You taught me to not be so worried about what other people think, at least the people that aren’t so important to you. We are the greatest Concur’s Bad Fur Day players of all time, and that is not a bond that many people can say. I can say with certainty that you have my back, and that I have yours. We will be lifelong friends, whether you like it or not.

Ross- If you read the notes to Will and Jeff you will have probably noticed that I called them brothers and family, but you are my big brother. As a matter of fact, you are the only person I publicly call my brother. What I mean is that when people say, “who’s that guy?” I say, “that guy is my brother.” We haven’t been friends our whole lives like some of my other brothers but we didn’t need to be. Ever since you moved in, or at least slept over every single night during junior and senior year, you quickly became my big brother. Although you are less than a month older than me, I think of you as much wiser and much more experienced than me. I know that you have been the man of the house since you were just a kid, but no matter what happened you were always so motivated and so successful in everything that you did. Even playing baseball against you as a kid, I looked up to you. You were like Benny “the jet” Rodriguez (the sandlot), you were an in-house legend. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I heard the words, “oh shit… Ross is pitching.” But baseball seems trivial compared to the accomplishments you have made in your life. Every time I look at you I can’t help but feel a sense of pride, simply for the fact that you are who you are. You have always challenged me to be a better person, and I love you for it. I never worry for a second that you will stray from the path to greatness and I look forward to seeing how high the rocket can fly. (possible slogan opportunity)

Joe- I realized the second I typed your name that you would be a tough one to write about. I have known you for the better part of my life and I still wonder about what is going on in your mind. I think that you might take that in a negative way, but you shouldn’t. I mean it as high praise. You are truly one of a kind and the most loyal person I know, I doubt we would ever get into a situation like this but if we did I would take a bat to someones head for you and I think you would do the same for me. Over the years we have gotten even closer, and we have been bickering and arguing more, but if you ask me, I think that is a sign of a true friendship. We are comfortable enough to point out each other’s flaws and honest enough to tell the other person they are wrong. That is not something I could say about just anybody. I know I say it as a joke all the time, that we are hetero life partners, but we basically are. I was so happy when you chose St. Thomas, and although we argue, I would not want to live in a house without you. I think that I have not been as good a friend to you as you have to me and I will try to change that. I know you struggle with an addictive personality, but I know without any doubt that you will be fine. You are an ambitious person and I don’t think you realize how smart you actually are. You are the first person I felt comfortable sharing my writing with, and that is only because I knew you would not tell me you liked it if you didn’t. This became even more clear later on when you ripped multiple story pitches to shreds. I think that you just need to find the confidence in yourself and you will overcome any obstacle in your path. I will do my best to help you find that confidence, and at the same time try to figure out what is going on in your mind which goes infinitely inward. We are both dreamers and I know we will be lifelong friends.

David- You are easily the most genuine person I know. You always stand up for what is right and what you believe in. I think that whether you know it or not, you have what I call the IT FACTOR with girls, and nobody deserves it more than you. What I mean is that ever since we were kids all the girls loved you and I think it was because you are a good person down to your core. I know that’s why I love you. It seems like we will go months and months without talking, but I think we have the kind of friendship that does’t require talking because when I do see you, we can pick up right where we left off. I don’t think we were ever as close as you and Joe are, but I still consider you part of my family. We grew up together and I can’t wait to see what you do with your life, because I know whatever it is you will do it with more passion than I am even capable of. You are another exceedingly loyal person and we will always have each other’s backs. I know it’s just a video game, but we are the best zombies team in the world and hey, if a zombie apocalypse ever happens we should team up. I hope you believe me when I say that, coming from me, that is the most complimentary of requests.

Rachel- I doubt you expected to be on this list, because you ran over my heart with a big metaphorical lawn mower, but you are and always will be one of the most important people in my life. I know you always say you can’t forgive yourself for what happened, and I know I can’t change how you feel, but I want you to know that I forgive you. In fact, I am far past forgiveness I am thankful. I am thankful to have ever known you and to have had the privilege of being your boyfriend. We braved it though the awkward phases of high school together, and I think that you might know me better than anyone else in the world, including myself. We grew up together and raised each other. You were my first love, and I know everyone always says young love isn’t real love, but that’s bullshit because I know what we had was real. I know that because I can still feel you inside my heart and I think I will until the day I die. I know you get stressed out about money and the future, but I never worry about you. Whatever you choose to do in life you will be great at, and I know that with 100% certainty. I don’t think you realize the effect you have on people, how they look up to you and how easy you are to fall in love with. My wish for you is that one day you will realize how remarkable you really are, I did my best to try and  show you, but I failed. One day you will meet someone who will show that.

Wes- If you read the previous letters to my high school friends you will notice I called them brothers. I do not consider you to be my brother, but I do consider you to be one of my best friends, maybe the best, which is in no way a downgrade from brother. We met freshmen year… 3.5 years ago and I feel like I have known you my whole life. I can’t even begin to say how impressive what you have accomplished in life so far is, and I could not begin to imagine how far your charisma and intelligence will bring you. I’m sure you have noticed, but you make a great impression on everyone who is lucky enough to meet you. I admire how you are able to be so wise and mature and at the same time be just as goofy and childish as I am. I think we will be lifelong friends, and if not I will probably just move into you and Brooke’s garage and force you to be my friends, because I am not sure where I would be without you. Regarding you and Brooke, what can be said about you two that hasn’t already been said about Marshall and Lilly (how i met your mother)? It has been a wonderful experience for me being in the presence of true love and honestly until I met you two, I had all but given up on the notion of love. I think people search their entire lives to find what you two have, and I hope one day I can be a part of something so great. You are a truly great man and I see nothing but the best in your future.


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