Poking Holes In Famous Quotes

“Do one thing every day that scares you”-Eleanor Roosevelt 

Inspirational yes, but you know what scares me? Terrorism, Cancer, AIDS, Identity Theft, a Nuclear Holocaust and  I guess bees. I think even Eleanor would agree that trying any one of those things might be counterproductive.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”- Albert Einstein 

The thing:  Call somebody on the phone.                    The same thing: Call somebody on the phone again.

The expectation: They will answer.                               The expectation: They will answer.

The result: They do not answer.                                      The result: They answer.

The thing:  Shoot a deer.                                                     The same thing: Shoot the same deer again.

The expectation: It will die.                                               The expectation: It will die.

The result: It is still alive.                                                           The result: It dies.

“There is more than one way to skin a cat”-Unknown

True, but whoever was quoted saying this probably grew up to become a serial killer.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  – Bernard M. Baruch

Unless, of course, you are a racist.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi

The changes I wish to see in the world are free gasoline and dippin’ dots being really really healthy.  I am unsure how to become either one of these things. Also, I assume Hitler thought something along these lines when he wished there were nobody but blonde white Christian folks.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” -Mark Twain

Except your home address, social security number and girlfriend’s birthday.


The Neurotic Hopeless-Romantic Playbook

Play One-Receiving a text message from the girl you like:

  • Open it .4 seconds after your phone vibrates when you see its her.
  • Feel a rush of excitement as if she professed her love for you, even if the text only says, “hey.”
  • Immediately type out the response you actually want to say, which is probably sweet and romantic, but completely uncalled for and disproportionate.
  •  Debate whether or not you should send it because responding in 2.2 seconds makes it seem like you have no life.
  • Don’t send it.
  • Actively try not to send the response for as long as possible but then convince yourself that you HAVE TO.
  • Re-read the draft of your original response.
  • Decide that what you said makes you sound ridiculous.
  • Respond with, “hey.”
  • Several texts later, send the original romantic but misplaced text message.
  • Wallow in your stupidity.

Play Two-Seeing a cute girl walk past you:

  • Smile at her
  • She smiles back
  • Continue walking
  • Tell yourself you should have said something because if you had, you might have hit it off and it might have started raining and you might have had to take shelter in a near-by coffee shop or movie theater and you might have kissed each other and you might have had a wildly romantic afternoon with her and that might make one killer-ass story to tell your kids one day.
  • Continue walking until you see another cute girl.
  • Rinse and repeat.

Play Three-Getting dumped:

  • Cry, or try super hard not to cry.
  • Go home and read every text or letter you two had ever exchanged, in an attempt to figure out what went wrong.
  • When you finish reading the texts, send her something desperate or something you think makes you sound cool and indifferent but actually makes you sound like a douche-bag.
  • She doesn’t text you back.
  • Completely swear off girls.
  • Decide that swearing off girls was a dumb plan and decide to be a player instead because you think that girls like assholes and being nice didn’t work out for you.
  • Contact a bunch of girls you talked to before you were in a relationship.
  • Realize that they are no longer interested because you have been in a relationship and obviously they moved on.
  • Go to the bar to pick up girls but end up sitting with your friends and making up excuses as to why you did not make anything resembling an attempt to communicate with a female.
  • Go home and text your ex-girlfriend something stupid.
  • Tell her you were drunk the next day and you didn’t mean whatever you said.
  • Completely give up on ever finding love.
  • Fall in love with the next girl you see.          (see play two)

Play four- Going on a date: 

  • Try to fit the words “I have a date tonight” into at least four conversations with four different people.
  • Ask a female friend what to wear, but then end up wearing what you were going to wear anyway.
  • Spend a tremendous amount of time and energy getting your hair to look like you spent no time on your hair.
  • Make your bed and clean your room because she might be coming back there later.
  • Sweat through the shirt you had originally picked out.
  • Put on the shirt that your female friend told you to wear. (it was a better choice anyway)
  • Brush your teeth.
  • Gargle mouth wash.
  • Practice laughing and smiling and making other random conversational faces in the mirror.
  • Notice that what was once a tiny outline of a blemish is now an enormous white head.
  • Tell yourself that you are ugly and even your own mom probably is embarrassed by you.
  • Tell yourself that you didn’t mean it and that this girl and any girl would be lucky to have you because you are smart and funny and you can give a hell of a back massage.
  • Think of a perfect opening line.
  • Blast encouraging music in the car the whole way there.
  • Realize you forgot a condom and convince yourself that you totally would have needed it.
  • Pick up your date.
  • Say your perfect opening line perfectly.
  • Have to repeat your opening line because she asked “what?” and this time totally butcher it.
  • Go on date.
  • Convince yourself that it is probably not even a date and she just wanted to grab a bite to eat, but doesn’t actually like you.
  • Spill something on your shirt.
  • Awkwardly force a hug at the end of your not-date.
  • Get back in your car.
  • Realize that you like her ten times more than you originally did.
  • Go home and stalk her via social media.
  • End up friend requesting her boyfriend.
  • Ask your dog if he still loves you.
  • Your dog ignores you and goes downstairs and poops in the dining room.

Play Five-Hearing the words “I love you” for the first time:

  • Remove heart from stomach.
  • Stare at her studying her face to see if she really meant it.
  • Think about how cool it is that you didn’t say it first this time.
  • Pause for too long.
  • She tells you its okay if you are not ready to say it.
  • Tell her that you are ready.
  • She doesn’t believe you.
  • Continue doing what you were doing prior to hearing her say that.
  • Be as distant as possible because your mind and heart are in a Sharknado.
  • Half way home realize what a complete idiot you are.
  • Make a borderline life-threatening U-turn on a busy street.
  • Go back to her house.
  • Call her and tell her to come outside.
  • Kiss her with all you have.
  • Tell her you loved her the second you met her and that you are sorry you didn’t say it earlier.
  • Be in love for awhile.
  • Plan the rest of your life with her in it.
  • Break up.                                                                 (see play three)

Pokemon: The Untold Story

On windy nights their voices can still be heard. Merely echos of a once great nation. Countless victim’s bones lay merely inches below the dirt and yet over the span of a few short years they have been forgotten. We remember the Holocaust and the Atlantic Slave trade, both sick and shameful examples of genocide and ethnic cleansing. But somehow the capture and slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Pocket Monsters (Pokemon) in the 1990’s, seems to slip our minds.

The initial movement started in Western Kanto, in the small village of Pallett Town. Here, children were given a domesticated Pokemon at a young age as a method of desensitizing them to the violent life of becoming a Pokemon Trainer. What they called Trainers, historians say are comparable to the position of SS-Scharführer in the Nazi party, who captured and deported Jews to ghettos and extermination camps. The Trainers were instructed to raise the domesticated Pokemon until they were strong enough to fight. Then the Trainers were sent from their homes on a bloody pilgrimage across the land, to search far and wide for free Pokemon to capture and force into captivity.

Some of the methods they used have been lost in translation as Pokemon become a more distant memory, but I will try to break down the process as best I can. A Trainer would traditionally keep captured Pokemon inside what were called Pokeballs. The engineering and design that went into Pokeballs was simply astonishing for the early 90’s and is still not fully understood today. Physicists believe that they had a particle accelerating core and held as much energy per mass as an atomic bomb. Pokemon as large as a fully grown, 200lb Charizard could be reduced to the size of a tennis ball and stored easily in a backpack or on a utility belt. Inside these tiny and uncomfortable balls, the Pokemon experienced what was likely a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and after being held captive and beaten for days they developed a dependence and love for their trainer that was so strong , they would willingly fight and die for them. When the Trainers came across a free Pokemon, they would force the domesticated to attack and scourge it until it could no longer fight back. Once it was near death and posed no threat to the Trainer, it was captured inside a Pokeball and later forced to perform the same acts of violence.

As time went on, and the capture and trade of Pokemon became common-hat,  the Trainers began to make games out of fighting the Pokemon. Similar to the concept of Mandingo fighting during the Atlantic Slave trade, two trainers would each place a bet, then each chose one captured Pokemon and force them to fight each other to the death. This practice was known as “battling”, and its popularity spread like wildfire because of its high entertainment value and money making potential. Soon, some trainers with particularly large and powerful collections of Pokemon built gyms, where the majestic animals were born and raised for the sole purpose of fighting. The gym leaders were commonly known as Pokemasters and were idolized by young trainers. Ash Ketchum, born and raised in Pallett Town, was one of the most well known Pokemasters, famous for his coined phrase: “gotta catch ’em all.” Some historians believe that he might have been the very best… like no one ever was.

Because of the Pokemon’s low cognitive ability, they were not capable of much resistance. In fact, with a few exceptions, they could only make noises that sounded like the name of their species classification, or some variation of it. There is no doubt that an average Pokemon would defeat a human in hand-to-hand combat but because of their low intelligence and poor organizational skills, they were no match for the technology that the Trainers possessed. The only documented resistance against the Pokemon Trainers was from a rebel group known as Team Rocket, which was made up of 2 humans and one of the rare talking Pokemon. However, leaders of the Fascist Pokemon training movement, like the infamous Professor Oak, used propaganda such as a Pokemon TV show and Pokemon trading cards to squash the resistance. The media at the time positioned Team Rocket as a group of foolish villains who were hell bent on world domination. Because of how they were portrayed, Team Rocket received little support and their efforts were ultimately unsuccessful.

The Fascist Pokemon training movement eventually failed when people’s interests just kind of changed and the capture and slaughter of Pokemon became nothing more than a distant memory and a game that nerds play on weekends. Although it has diminished in popularity, there are still people who perform Pokemon battles using the methods championed by the Pokemasters of the 1990’s. We may never completely rid the world of such horrific behavior, but I write this essay for the purpose of remembrance. So that we never forget the innocent Pokemon that lost their lives and the tragic acts of senseless violence that went unpunished. So come with me, the time is right and there’s no better team. Arm and arm, we’ll win the fight, it’s always been our dream. We must work together to ensure that the Pokemon are never forgotten.

How I Exist

Well this girl, the one that keeps reappearing in these posts, has done something for me that no one else ever has. She wrote about me and as far as I can tell that is the greatest gift a person can give you. Only when reading about yourself through the eyes of someone else, can you truly exist. I realize of course that sounds ridiculous but hear me out…

My theory, being the weird atheist or whatever I am, is that we only truly exist through the eyes of other people. I guess an example that would be easy to recognize is the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. In this movie the protagonist debates offing himself, when he is confronted by an angel who shows him what the world would be like if he had never been born. Through this angelic acid trip of an idea, he is able to truly understand who he is by understanding what it would be like without him.

My way of explaining it might be more subject to argument but it has far less Angels in it. I say that we can only exist through other people. Imagine for a second that you did not exist. I think it would be pretty reasonable to say that some things might be different (like in It’s a Wonderful Life) but things would still happen and nobody would really care because they never knew the world with you in it. But now imagine that you do exist, but nobody else does. You are the only one and only thing around… it’s harder to imagine isn’t it? If there is no one and nothing else there, do you really even exist at all? I believe that it doesn’t matter what you believe about yourself, because the way you exist and the way that you make your mark on the world is through the impressions you leave on other people.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I am very thankful that she wrote about me and I was able to see how I exist in the eyes of someone other than myself. I would also like to thank the rest of the people who help me exist  and say a little something about them. I know in my very first post I said I would leave the past out of it but here you might accidentally find some historical events. lo siento…

Jeff- You are first person I would have ever considered to be my brother. I know that you have an actual brother, but I think maybe you feel the same way about me. You have been there for me for as long as I can remember. I admire your competitive spirit and how smart you are. You have challenged me throughout my entire life to be a better person and I don’t think you even realized it. You are vastly smarter than me, but I think we can find common ground over the fact that we both over-intellectualize everything which has made for some great conversations.We have gone through some pretty awful things together, when your father got sick in 3rd grade I knew I was supposed to be the one to talk you through it and offer you advice and all that, but I knew that nothing I could say would ever change anything substantial, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I just kept things normal. You came over every morning and we played video games and waited at the bus together. If I recall you were a lot more popular in elementary school than I was, so we ran with different crowds, but for all intents and purposes we were… we are family. You were the first person to ever just walk into my house without ringing a doorbell or calling ahead of time and I think that sums it up better than anything could. I will always think of you as family and I have a feeling I will die one day thinking of you as my brother.

Will- I think that you and I have one of the strongest bonds that two people can have. We both have almost identical senses of humor. Throughout our entire friendship you have made me laugh infinitely more than anyone I know. You are another person I consider to be a member of my family, like a brother or relative that I never want to lose touch with. You are honest with everyone you meet, including me and you are one of my personal heroes. I think that any amount of my personality that people would consider outgoing, I got from you. You taught me to not be so worried about what other people think, at least the people that aren’t so important to you. We are the greatest Concur’s Bad Fur Day players of all time, and that is not a bond that many people can say. I can say with certainty that you have my back, and that I have yours. We will be lifelong friends, whether you like it or not.

Ross- If you read the notes to Will and Jeff you will have probably noticed that I called them brothers and family, but you are my big brother. As a matter of fact, you are the only person I publicly call my brother. What I mean is that when people say, “who’s that guy?” I say, “that guy is my brother.” We haven’t been friends our whole lives like some of my other brothers but we didn’t need to be. Ever since you moved in, or at least slept over every single night during junior and senior year, you quickly became my big brother. Although you are less than a month older than me, I think of you as much wiser and much more experienced than me. I know that you have been the man of the house since you were just a kid, but no matter what happened you were always so motivated and so successful in everything that you did. Even playing baseball against you as a kid, I looked up to you. You were like Benny “the jet” Rodriguez (the sandlot), you were an in-house legend. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I heard the words, “oh shit… Ross is pitching.” But baseball seems trivial compared to the accomplishments you have made in your life. Every time I look at you I can’t help but feel a sense of pride, simply for the fact that you are who you are. You have always challenged me to be a better person, and I love you for it. I never worry for a second that you will stray from the path to greatness and I look forward to seeing how high the rocket can fly. (possible slogan opportunity)

Joe- I realized the second I typed your name that you would be a tough one to write about. I have known you for the better part of my life and I still wonder about what is going on in your mind. I think that you might take that in a negative way, but you shouldn’t. I mean it as high praise. You are truly one of a kind and the most loyal person I know, I doubt we would ever get into a situation like this but if we did I would take a bat to someones head for you and I think you would do the same for me. Over the years we have gotten even closer, and we have been bickering and arguing more, but if you ask me, I think that is a sign of a true friendship. We are comfortable enough to point out each other’s flaws and honest enough to tell the other person they are wrong. That is not something I could say about just anybody. I know I say it as a joke all the time, that we are hetero life partners, but we basically are. I was so happy when you chose St. Thomas, and although we argue, I would not want to live in a house without you. I think that I have not been as good a friend to you as you have to me and I will try to change that. I know you struggle with an addictive personality, but I know without any doubt that you will be fine. You are an ambitious person and I don’t think you realize how smart you actually are. You are the first person I felt comfortable sharing my writing with, and that is only because I knew you would not tell me you liked it if you didn’t. This became even more clear later on when you ripped multiple story pitches to shreds. I think that you just need to find the confidence in yourself and you will overcome any obstacle in your path. I will do my best to help you find that confidence, and at the same time try to figure out what is going on in your mind which goes infinitely inward. We are both dreamers and I know we will be lifelong friends.

David- You are easily the most genuine person I know. You always stand up for what is right and what you believe in. I think that whether you know it or not, you have what I call the IT FACTOR with girls, and nobody deserves it more than you. What I mean is that ever since we were kids all the girls loved you and I think it was because you are a good person down to your core. I know that’s why I love you. It seems like we will go months and months without talking, but I think we have the kind of friendship that does’t require talking because when I do see you, we can pick up right where we left off. I don’t think we were ever as close as you and Joe are, but I still consider you part of my family. We grew up together and I can’t wait to see what you do with your life, because I know whatever it is you will do it with more passion than I am even capable of. You are another exceedingly loyal person and we will always have each other’s backs. I know it’s just a video game, but we are the best zombies team in the world and hey, if a zombie apocalypse ever happens we should team up. I hope you believe me when I say that, coming from me, that is the most complimentary of requests.

Rachel- I doubt you expected to be on this list, because you ran over my heart with a big metaphorical lawn mower, but you are and always will be one of the most important people in my life. I know you always say you can’t forgive yourself for what happened, and I know I can’t change how you feel, but I want you to know that I forgive you. In fact, I am far past forgiveness I am thankful. I am thankful to have ever known you and to have had the privilege of being your boyfriend. We braved it though the awkward phases of high school together, and I think that you might know me better than anyone else in the world, including myself. We grew up together and raised each other. You were my first love, and I know everyone always says young love isn’t real love, but that’s bullshit because I know what we had was real. I know that because I can still feel you inside my heart and I think I will until the day I die. I know you get stressed out about money and the future, but I never worry about you. Whatever you choose to do in life you will be great at, and I know that with 100% certainty. I don’t think you realize the effect you have on people, how they look up to you and how easy you are to fall in love with. My wish for you is that one day you will realize how remarkable you really are, I did my best to try and  show you, but I failed. One day you will meet someone who will show that.

Wes- If you read the previous letters to my high school friends you will notice I called them brothers. I do not consider you to be my brother, but I do consider you to be one of my best friends, maybe the best, which is in no way a downgrade from brother. We met freshmen year… 3.5 years ago and I feel like I have known you my whole life. I can’t even begin to say how impressive what you have accomplished in life so far is, and I could not begin to imagine how far your charisma and intelligence will bring you. I’m sure you have noticed, but you make a great impression on everyone who is lucky enough to meet you. I admire how you are able to be so wise and mature and at the same time be just as goofy and childish as I am. I think we will be lifelong friends, and if not I will probably just move into you and Brooke’s garage and force you to be my friends, because I am not sure where I would be without you. Regarding you and Brooke, what can be said about you two that hasn’t already been said about Marshall and Lilly (how i met your mother)? It has been a wonderful experience for me being in the presence of true love and honestly until I met you two, I had all but given up on the notion of love. I think people search their entire lives to find what you two have, and I hope one day I can be a part of something so great. You are a truly great man and I see nothing but the best in your future.

The Way That….

If by some miracle you read AND remember my first post, you would recall the mention of a girl. Well good news! She has made a reappearance, a few of them actually. There was, unfortunately, a boyfriend situation that I thought might just be the end of our story, but luckily (for me, not so much for boyfriend) they broke up.

Yes, I cant help but feel responsible for the destruction of a relationship but if I have learned one thing in my years, it’s that although good things come to those who wait, far better things come to those who stop waiting around and get the fuck up and grab those good things and kiss them with as much passion as they have…. metaphorically speaking of course…

Anyway, after an incident last night… incident sounds so serious… after a moment last night I felt oddly compelled to write a new post. The moment in question was a nose bleed. Nose bleeds are normally slightly more than a minor annoyance, somewhere between a stone in your shoe and spilling on your shirt. However, This particular nosebleed came at a wildly inconvenient time. This was our second time kissing (cyber-highfive) and things were just starting to heat up… I wont get in to too much detail for the sake of gentlemanliness… but right in the middle of it she rolled over, clutching her nose and just like that the moment was over.

Normally this would be terribly upsetting to me, but for some reason it was one of the most adorable things I have ever been lucky enough to witness. And I don’t mean adorable like a puppy or a baby is adorable, I mean adorable in the “holy shit this girl is so vulnerable and embarrassed right now and yet she is still absolutely gorgeous and in complete control” sense of the word. So, after pondering this incident the remainder of the night and most of the next day it got me thinking about all the things that make me attracted to the fairer sex, and especially this girl. You will soon learn that I am a compulsive list maker and you should probably just get used to it… so, without further adieu, THE LIST:

The way that….

 Every girl is most beautiful when she is brushing her teeth.

The way that….
Making prolonged eye contact with a cute girl gives me butterflies in my stomach.

The way that….
She smiles while looking away, as if she is thinking something that she ought not say aloud.

The way that….
She walks with her arms glued to her side like she is sneaking, even though its impossible to sneak when you light up the room.

The way that….

Girls look exponentially cuter when they are wearing my clothes.

The way that….

They look with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.

The way that….

She makes me mentally discredit any reason I have to ever get out of bed.

The way that….

She looks with sleepy eyes and bed hair in the morning.

The way that….
They say they suck at back massages, but lets be honest, just them touching you is more than enough.

The way that….
Their head always seem to find a spot directly above my heart when they fall asleep cuddling with me.

The way that….
Her lips feel so small when they are pressed up against mine.

The way that….
Her nose bleeds sometimes when things get too hot and heavy.

The way that….
She has so many other little idiosyncrasies that are just waiting for me to discover….